Speech by Iain Norton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Iain Norton
Speech Date: Jul 2002
TONYS’ BEST MANS’ SPEECH.

Good Afternoon everybody, my name is Iain, and I am an alcoholic. Oops, sorry, that's last nights speech!

On about the only serious note of this speech, I would just like to say what an honour it is to be chosen to be Tonys’ Best Man today, and what an even bigger honour it has been to be his friend over the last few years. How he convinced Ruth to let me do this is beyond me, and I feel safe in saying that this is the last time you will ever have your own way, so make the most of it! And Ruth, try to relax. Although you are expecting this speech to be full of sexual innuendo, it isn't. It was at first, but Michelle, my Wife, caught me trying to put it in, and made me whip it out before I got the chance. The role of Best Man comes with lots of responsibilities, one of which is to ensure that the Groom has a good nights sleep before the Wedding Day. I can assure you all that he slept like a baby last night. He woke up every hour, crying for his Mummy and pooing his pants.

Soon after Tony had told me that he was going to get married, he asked me how much it had cost me to do the same. So I told him, “ I HAVE NO IDEA, TONY. I'M STILL PAYING FOR IT.” I explained to him that I had never known what true happiness was until I had got married, but by then it was too late.

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Right then, onto a history of the Man himself……..…

Some friends of ours suggested that some ‘big nose’ jokes would be funny here, but I decided that this was cruel and immature. And if I had put any of that sort of joke in, Tony would've sniffed them out ages ago.

Tony was born on the 8th of October, 1973, and came prematurely. At least he started as he meant to go on. I typed his birthday into an internet search, and was surprised to discover that during the month Tony was born, there was a massive increase in UFO sightings, all over the world, except for a few dates, one of which was the 8th. Now I'm not saying you were an ugly baby, Tony, but anybody that can keep an alien invasion at bay has certainly got something unusual! I would just like to take this opportunity to let my Wife know that this was what I was looking at on the internet whenever I went to bed late.

Then onto school. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing, but I hadn't met Tony by this point, and most of the stories he has told me about his school days would land me in a whole world of trouble, should I tell them here, so I wont. I'll tell them over there later. However, he did tell me about all the time he spent behind the bike sheds, perfecting his kissing technique, and, without wanting to go into too much detail, generally experimenting. Soon the time came for Tony to leave that boys boarding school, and start again from scratch, this time with girls.

He then moved away from home, and came to a decent part of the Country, so that he could complete a course in illustration at Blackpool College, and it was there that our paths finally crossed. With one of his best chat-up lines that he had learnt from boarding school, he sauntered over to me, and whispered in my ear, “ALRIGHT MATE, WHERE ARE YOU FROM THEN?”. Very soon after this, I discovered Tonys’ rather unhealthy obsession with fireworks. He couldn't just light them in his garden at night. He had to dismantle them, combine them, tamper with them, tie them together, and generally make them bloody dangerous! The scary thing was that he usually did all this during lunch-break at college, while sat at his desk. Which included lighting them at his desk! One particular college explosion I remember was where he had done his usual butchering of a perfectly good rocket, and lit it on his desk. Everybody present was hiding under their drawing boards as the fuse into the pile of gunpowder got shorter and shorter, then as the sparks and the gunpowder became one, we were all met with a rather pathetic “phut” noise. Disappointed, we all climbed out from our makeshift bomb shelters, just in time for the real explosion to take place. The windows almost blew out, an alarm went off, and students from the far end of the far building came to see what the hell was going on, only to be met with a room full of white smoke you could barely see through, and several gob-smacked students who were trying to put on innocent faces while pretending they had no idea what had gone on. The other funny firework story was when Tony and his mates, all three of them, were driving merrily along, when Tony decided it would be funny to launch a rocket from the sunroof of his car, whilst still moving. And it was funny. As the rocket got jammed in the tiny gap, and filled the car with more of the thick white smoke I had become so familiar with, not to mention white hot sparks that were covering everybody inside. Looking back, this could have turned into a nasty accident. Had I not wiped the tears of laughter out of my eyes, I could quite easily have crashed.

When it comes to Tony, the stories of being daft really are endless. I would have to be stood up here for days to be able to tell only half of them, so here are a few very edited highlights of some of the daftest:

* The time when, for some unknown reason, you drove your car to the bottom of Lytham Lifeboat jetty, and did a 3-point turn at the bottom, with a wheel hanging off each side as you moved backwards and forwards.
*The time we went to a Fast Food Takeaway in the IOM, and you were too tight to buy a burger, so you found one that had been left on a table after having only one bite taken out of it, and happily finished it off by eating round the bite-mark.
*The time I tied a rope to the back of my motorbike, and towed you along on a skateboard. We got to about 30mph before Tony lost control (of his bowels, as well as the skateboard!), and got spat off in a style that Barry Sheene would've been proud of, and knocked himself out.
*The time you smashed a shop-sign after a night out, by accident of course, and didn't manage to get very far before the local Police arrived. Tony thought he would outwit the Bobbies, and gave them a false name. What he forgot to do was tell his fellow drunken bum, Mike, about this fool-proof master plan, so when the Copper asked Mike what his mates name was, he sang like a canary, and promptly landed the unfortunate Mr Prosser in a cell for the night.

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Moving swiftly on. When I first met Tony, I would describe him as good-looking, funny, caring, trustworthy,…stu,…..st,..What does that say, Tony? I can't read your handwriting. Although saying that, I can, with my hand on my heart, describe Tony as very generous. An example of this was at a recent day out, where a large group of us went go-karting. From the first race, right through to the last, Tony let everybody overtake him. There was even an older chap there who was on crutches, but Tony didn't care, and let him glide past. Tony eventually finished 17th. Out of 17. And all because Tony thinks about others, before he thinks of himself. It had nothing to do with the fact he was utter crap!

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I asked Ruth if there were any decent secrets that she could tell me about Tony, and she revealed to me that they have pet-names for each other. Tony, believe it or not, is known to Ruth as her little “Holiday Boy”. Apparently, it's because he's good while he lasts, but she just wishes he was longer.

Don't worry, I'm nearly finished………..…

Most of you here are probably aware that Tony is the owner of a very successful business, and before we go too far away from the subject of Ruth, I'd like to say that I've no doubt in my mind that without the assistance of Ruth, there is no way he would have the small fortune that he does now. He had a large fortune before she started spending it.

Tony, there will be times in your married life, when you will look back on today, and just sit for hours, looking longingly at your Marriage Licence. I can assure you, I have done that very same thing. And I can also assure you that there are no loopholes!

Although I am fully aware that Tony has been looking forward to getting married for ages, I spoke to him earlier this morning and thought for a horrible moment that he was beginning to have second thoughts. He told me that he woke up, and began to feel a little queer. I breathed a sigh of relief when he told me he was just nervous!

Tony..… Ruth….., Love between two people is a beautiful thing. Between five, it's fantastic.

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You may, or may not, be glad to hear that this is the closing paragraph of the speech.

Please remain seated whilst joining me in a toast to some very important people. I hope you will take my advice, and meet them at some point this evening. I am already in debt to them for some great times, and here's to many more..…
THE BAR STAFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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SUCCESS IS GETTING WHAT YOU WANT.
HAPPINESS IS WANTING WHAT YOU GET.

i KNOW THAT YOU BOTH WANT WHAT YOU‘VE GOT.

Please stand, and join me in raising your glasses,

TONY & RUTH.