Speech by Iain Robertson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Iain Robertson
Speech Date: oct 2004
No pressure then.

Good ladies, afternoon and gentlemen… I knew I should have rehearsed this speech.

For those that don't know me, I'm Iain, one of Eben's many friends and best man.

Now before I get stuck in to Eben may I just say on behalf of Natalie's flower girls, Sophie and Freyer, and Natalie's bridesmaid Louise, thank you Eben for your kind words and generous gifts – I must add that not only have they done a great job today but they look fantastic. And Natalie, you look a million dollars.

Now I'm only going to speak for a few minutes because of my throat – if I go on too long Natalie has threatened to cut it.

In fact, a wise man once told me that a best man's speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love… I thank you and goodnight.
I'm not saying that Eben isn't good in that department but he did once spend a night in the local hospital's Premature Ejaculation Unit – apparently it was touch and go at one stage.

Actually, before I go any further I have been reminded that there are grandparents here today so please would I avoid using any sexual innuendo – so I'm sorry about that last gag – if I come across another I'll whip it out.

I've known Eben for about 10 years now. We first met through our very good friend Lee Russell. It wasn't long after meeting that the 3 of us found ourselves sharing a room on a stag week in Benidorm. There were 19 of us on this particular trip so me being me, I wanted to make sure that Eben was made to feel relaxed and comfortable in the company of his new friends. Now if you would all like to remove the picture that's stuck to the underside of your chairs you can see just how relaxed and comfortable Eben had been made to feel. (Picture of Eben under every chair). I'd only known him about a week. In fact, and this is true, when that picture was developed it came back in a sleeve saying it would make a suitable enlargement.

Which reminds me. During Eben's little stage performance on his stag do in Edinburgh I learnt the true meaning of stage fright! The words tortoise and shell come into mind.

Now at this point in my speech I'm supposed to sing Eben's praises and tell you all what a wonderful person he is.

Well I can't sing and I won't lie. So we'll talk about football instead.

And how can I not talk about football at a wedding like this… with so many great players in the room…

Andy Gough… Sean Madden… Billy Casper… No, seriously, of course we have the Grays. Nick, Andy, Stuart, Frank and Eddie… And then we've got Eben… Now I'm not saying he's awful but it was apparent from a fairly young age that his chances of ever winning an international cap were going to be pretty slim. So as I'm sure you can imagine, it must be pretty daunting to be joining a family, who between them has won over 50 caps for Scotland. Well mate, just so you don't feel left out I've managed to get my hands on your very own international cap.
(Present him with joke Tam-O-Shanter complete with ginger wig).

Do you know every manager Eben's ever played for has always said that he's useless in every position. So good luck tonight Natalie.

If anyone has ever seen Eben play football then you'll know how lazy he is. This laziness seems to have been a common problem throughout his life. My Dad used to teach Eben at Rossett High School. He said that he was an IDEAL pupil who EXCELLED in most subjects… sorry I've got that wrong… he said he was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects.

I'd like now to invite you all to join in a little elimination game which involves a bit of audience participation. So please could I ask you all to stand. Now, remain standing if you have ever been caught using forged train tickets. (Eben the only one to stay standing). Oh. And could you remain standing if you've ever taken your boss's car to skive off and see one of your mates, but ploughed it in to a post whilst waving at your mate as you drove in to the car park. And please remain standing if you have ever been a member of a gym for over 5 years but never told anyone that you had never paid and weren't actually a member. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the groom, Mr. Eben Barnett.

TELEGRAMS – At this point in proceedings I have been asked to read a few messages. (Read card from Eben's sister and sing song written by Adam and Nicky).

Now on a serious note I know for a fact how happy Natalie makes Eben – and for one of your best mates you can't ask any more. And I also know how happy Eben makes Natalie. I can remember Eben saying to me years before they had met – in that Harrogate hot spot and love den we all know as Sainsbury's – how much he liked Natalie and that he thought she would be the perfect girl for him… and now look at them! Not bad work that Eben!

But I must say they really do make the perfect couple.

Now people are very quick to offer advice to newlyweds… and I'm sure today will be no exception. However, the only advice I'm going to offer is that which was given to my dad on his wedding day…

He was told that when they retired to the honeymoon suite that he should give my Mum his trousers and tell her to put them on. She did this and said “I can't wear these, they're too big” to which he said “Exactly, I wear the trousers in this house.” She then threw him her knickers telling him to put them on. “I'm not getting into those” he replied. “No, and you never will with that attitude.”

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Today really is something else and that's a direct result of months of hard work and planning, not just by Natalie and Eben but also by both sets of parents – particularly Natalie's Mum and Dad.
So to show our gratitude for their hard work and kind hospitality, may I invite you all stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Linda and Eddie, and Mary and Mike – the parents!