Speech by Iain Ronayne

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Iain Ronayne
Speech Date: Jul 1998
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids and pageboys, I'd like to thank Greg for his kind words.

Well it is said that being asked to be the best man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother, it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it.

But, even so, I still agreed to be Greg's best man and I'm sure you'll agree that my first duty, that of getting Greg to the church, sober, on time and eventually married was a complete success.

And so, as is customary on these occasions, I now get the chance to lay in to Greg, which is nice.

Greg was born ………..… in 1964 which was, incidentally the same year Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor were wed for the first time

Unfortunately, or fortunately depends on what way you look at it, I didn't know Greg at school so I've had to rely on his own version of events regarding his education. (pause for comedy effect)…..…

Greg was an exceptionally gifted student at school and he excelled in most everything he did be it sports, academics or the arts. He left school to the great sadness of his headmaster and successfully attended College where I'm reliably informed he attained an excellent first class honours degree in agricultural engineering. So if anyone has a broken down tractor Greg's your man!

Greg did a few jobs after graduating, I'm not too sure of the details but I guess they were something to do with mending farming equipment, but he eventually got the notion that he'd like to see the world and see the world he certainly did.

Before we move on to those travelling years I would like to say at this point that Greg is the only person I know who has ever fallen down a manhole. Picture the scene, Greg is carrying one end of wooden board when the guy at the front feels the back go loose. He turns around and Greg has disappeared. He thought it was an alien abduction at first until he looked into the hole!

And so to those travelling years when Greg moved out into the wilderness to find himself.

His first trip, on which myself and Russell joined him on, was to the Greek islands and Turkey for six months.

I remember us setting off from Kings Cross in London for that arduous 3 day bus journey to Athens on the Magic Bus, but I can assure you, and Greg will agree, that there was nothing bloody magical about it!

Greg passed his initiation to travelling and didn't look back for a long time. His travels took him all over the globe taking in India, Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia, Canada and New Zealand

He eventually decided to settle down in Australia where he soon found work reconditioning engines (Greg has never been afraid of getting his hands dirty!) and he soon got down to the way of life which consisted of drinking large quantities of beer and……………….oh yeah surfing which Greg became very keen on. He would return back to the flat he shared with our good friend Ding after a hard day at the beach, dressed seductively in his cut off wet suit and with his surf board under his arm with stories of catching the big one off Manley bay. What a catch he was, not only potentially to the Tiger sharks he insisted swam in the bay but to the Aussie Sheila's who Greg would trip over as they fell at his feet. Greg knew he'd arrived in paradise!

Ding to this day, however, swears blind that not one person has ever witnessed Greg standing up on a surfboard let alone catching the big one. I prefer to have an open mind and give Greg the benefit of the doubt.

It was during his time in Australia that Greg had one of his most embarrassing moments, more embarrassing even than falling down the manhole!

While sharing the flat with Ding the two of them had been out drinking in the bars in & around Sydney. When they got back to the flat Ding threw a toilet roll at Greg, Greg retaliated and things escalated and very soon got out of hand. Cornflakes were scattered, furniture upended and all the time Greg and Ding were screaming like banshees. After what seemed like ages they got bored of creating havoc. Ding went for a lie down and Greg decided to have a shower. Soon there was a knock at the door and Greg yelled at Ding to go and answer it, well Ding yelled back to Greg that he should go away (although a bit less polite than that) and Greg wrapped a towel around himself and went to the door. When he answered it there were two angry looking Sydney Policemen glaring at him. One of them informed Greg that one of the neighbours had complained to police that they though there was a domestic dispute going on and they'd come to check that everything was alright. Greg was embarrassed enough at this stage but then a drunken Ding shouted from the bedroom "Greg the chains are too tight, the chains are too tight please let me go!". Greg went scarlet but Ding refused to shut up. So there was Greg dressed only in a towel explaining to these two officers that that it was just his flat mate mucking about while they appeared convinced they were homosexual lovers involved in a domestic dispute. Greg tried hard to convince them but he was losing the battle. One of the coppers raised an eyebrow at Greg as if to say "yeah right, just mates eh?!" and they eventually returned to their squad car. Apparently the police are reluctant to get involved in domestic disputes. I don't think that Greg has ever really forgiven Ding.

Unfortunately for Greg he was eventually booted out of Australia, after two years. I think the reason was that he was seen in a pub drinking lemonade, anyway he wasn't happy whatever the reason. On his return to the UK he soon got itchy feet and decided to jet of to New Zealand. I'm sure if I'd told him then that within a few years he'd be settling down to a life of domestic bliss he would of said "what me, the Gregster married, you're having a laugh aren't you" He truly was the last of the international jet setting playboys.

I honestly thought I'd seen the last of him this time, I mean New Zealand would suit Greg down to the ground, sun, sea, surf and…….sheep. Eventually New Zealand had had enough of Greg as well and after a year he returned….this time for good.

We were all glad to see Greg return safe and sound and we were rewarded with one of his near legendary barbecues. They were really quite something these barbecues, very few went by with out some sort of incident. The most spectacular was the one involving the old dump truck. There was a crowd of us just doing the usual, eating burnt food and knocking back lager when someone spotted the dump truck in the bushes. Greg told us that if we could get it started we could take it out into the field. He thought there was no way we would be able to start the bloody rusty old thing. But big Mick managed it and with an almighty turn of the handle the thing spluttered into life!

There we were eight of us hanging off every extremity of the dumper, heading towards the field. I remember Greg holding his head in his hands. Anyway to cut a long story short the dumper drove straight into Greg's mum and dad's caravan which was parked in the corner of the field. Steven Chiles was driving, I'd like to point out! (I pointed at Steve) But it was hard to steer.

The problem was sorted out with a couple of lengths of 4 be 2 and a tube of superglue….so no harm done….I wonder if Mr and Mrs Nxxx senior ever even noticed….!

I wish I had time to tell you about the time Greg was living at Kev's place and how about 4 or 5 hours after he'd moved in he got so drunk he very kindly redecorated Kevin's bathroom for him, and not with emulsion I can tell you!. But that I'm afraid is another story!

And what of Greg's stag do.

Well it was someone's bright idea to take him off to Dublin's fair city for the weekend. Brave man Greg. He endured having his trousers removed in the packed Oliver St John Gogarty public house, mustard in his shoes (respect to Kyle), hands gaffer taped together and instant hair removal when they were released, cable tied to the banister in the sports bar, forced to wear a ridiculous hat which was filled with tomato sauce, various unpleasant items shoved down the front of his boxer shorts, cable tied to his seat the train home…the list goes on and he may of thought he was safe when he got home but the following Friday he, amongst other things, was shackled with a ball and chain and eventually cellophaned naked to a street sign in the middle of his home town. So I'd like to ask for a round of applause please for a good sport. Well done Greg.

Back to the life story.…

Well Greg couldn't live the playboy life for ever and one balmy September evening he met the woman of his dreams……… A little time after that he met Kerry. Greg had gone to see his cousin Gaynor for a haircut at the salon she worked at. And yes, you guessed it, Kerry worked there too. Kerry and Gaynor were good mates and Greg chatted to Kerry for a while. Gaynor let slip that herself and Kerry were going on a girls night out. Greg, thick skinned as ever invited himself along and said he'd drive, what a guy! When the night arrived Greg, of course, was late, we all know him, Greg is ALWAYS late, not only was he late but he turns up in a transit van, Greg has always known how to impress the birds! Despite this they had a great night and Greg was definitely smitten with Kerry.

Love was very soon to blossom.

Greg desperately wanted to ring Kerry and ask her out on a proper date, but he'd obviously taken his bottle back for a refund as he couldn't manage it. But as they say love will find a way and Kerry, lovely lady as she is, phoned him.

They haven't looked back since God bless ‘em.

Greg she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Thank God you married her before she found one!

Seriously though Greg, you are a lucky groom; you've got Kerry. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring.

And Kerry, you've got…………..Greg.

Before the cards and toasts I would like to share my picture of Greg and Kerry in the morning after the wedding night. Greg will call down to their hotel's room service and order breakfast. For himself he'll order one pound of bacon, twelve fried eggs, and two gallons of orange juice. For his new wife he'll order a piece of lettuce and a carrot.

The room service lady will of course be puzzled by this request and ask him whether Mrs Nxxx might want something more substantial

To which Greg will probably reply

"I'm conducting an experiment to see if she eats like a rabbit as well!"

I've got some cards to read now..…

(Few joke ones included for extra laughs…like the landlord of the Dog and Partridge asking for a copy of the Bride and Groom…mounted!)

Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to the bride and grooms parents for this special day. Thank you.

And while you are all standing I've just got a few last things to say..…

Greg you are an excellent friend and it's been an honour to be your best man. I wish you and Kerry all the very best for the future.

If everyone could now join me in a toast to Mr and Mrs Greg and Kerry Nxxx. Congratulations!!!