Speech by Ian Andrews

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian Andrews
Speech Date: Jun 2009
Good evening, ladies and gentleman. To those that don't know me I am Steve's younger brother and best man, Ian, to those that do, I can only apologize. It's a real honour and privilege to be Steve's best man today but to be honest I feel like a bit of a fraud standing here as the best man as today, truthfully, Steve is the Best Man… No I'm joking I really am the best man. It's just a shame that it has taken Steve 23 years to finally admit that I am the best man.

I'm sure Steve and Clare are delighted so many people could make it today .its amazing how far people are willing to travel for a free meal.i mean to share Steve and Clare's happiness. But personally I wish everyone would have stayed at home.. as it would have made my job a lot less nerve wracking. Its times like these every Best Man wished that Pampers made in an adult size.

When Steve or should I say when ”She's Quite Cute” asked me to be best man I went out and bought this book ”The Complete Best Man”. When I started to read it, I stopped at page 3 when I read, and I quote: ”keeping a clear, sober head throughout the wedding celebrations is fundamental to performing well as a best man. [Throw book away]

Waiter..
waiter comes over with a bottle of wine pours wine, I ask for the bottle to be left on table

Start drinking from wine glass Well you can clearly see I haven't followed that advice very well. The book, however did say I should have my speech notes handy as a prompt so if you will just bare with me one moment…

I'd like to thank Steve on behalf of the bridesmaid for his kind words. I don't know why as I am sure she is perfectly capable of doing that later herself but by then it might be a slurred thank you. There are a few people I would like to thank for making this special day possible. Steve and Clare who have spent a lot of time organising today , Clare's parents Ted and Francis , Steve's parents which are of course mine too, and anyone else who has played a part in organising today – thank you.

But Finally, I would also like to thank two other people. They have had to cope with all the difficulties of standing around pouting and looking pretty, they've spent a lot of time and money on their hair and outfits, and without them the day just wouldn't be the same… ladies and gentlemen, I give you look at bridesmaid and Clare.… The ushers – Peter and Gav.

As pretty as the ushers have tried to look I am sure I am not the only one who is thinking that Scouse I mean Kathryn looks great…only rightfully upstaged by Clare, who looks stunning..whereas Steve just looks stunned.

I'm joking, Steve you look very handsome but it is obvious to me and every person here that you have clearly just copied my outfit.

Now I really should have warned you earlier but I'm doing this speech in the style of someone who isn't very funny. I've heard too many best man speeches where every opportunity was taken to have a dig at the groom and make cheap jokes and I won't subscribe to that! I have too much respect for Steve to do that. [Put on tee-shirt exposing an embarrassing photo of groom on front of shirt].

go over and fetch best man book back explain to guests. I need it for Steve's next wedding you see.only joking Steve.

According to this book it says I am supposed to roast the groom? Shrug shoulders..
But unfortunately there isn't an oven in the world big enough to that could fit Steve's..head in so I will have to slowly stew him instead.

When I started writing this speech during the ceremony.. ….I knew I had prime best mans speech material when I found a load of Steve's photos from his time at University and holidays in Corfu. I felt I wouldn't have done this speech justice without including a few of them.its ok Steve, you can relax. I haven't put in THAT photo of you having a good time with that sheep from the stag do.… Unfortunately most of the photos would be unsuitable for the young and not so young of you here today. So if anyone else wants to see the photos in question you will be able to find me at the bar later on where I'd be only too happy to share all in exchange for a drink or three.

The choice of Trent Bridge as the wedding venue made me try and incorporate cricket into this speech. So I went through a list of all the fielding positions in cricket and tried to link it to Steve somehow. Third man nope, silly point nope, fine leg nope well actually maybe scouse…but finally I came across the position short leg and I thought that position described Steve perfectly.

From a young age we knew Steve was going to be a civil engineer – show photo 2

Steve was also into his driving from a young age – show photo 3

Having an older brother has its advantages .apparently.. Steve has certainly taught me a lot. For example Steve has taught me that under no circumstances is a floppy, centre parting hair style, fashionable or cool show photo 4 and that it's always a good idea to look where you are going when walking along a pavement….as the next lamp post could be just around the corner.

Over the years Steve has become very good at doing animal impressions. Here is Steve doing an impression of a Ostrich with its head in the sand – show photo 5

There are many other stories I would love to tell but I'm sure you are as desperate as I am to get to the bar. So I will keep it brief
1 Dressing up as a caveman for a night out and having to be rescued by Russ after some guys had stolen his club – Steve was there
2 Putting me in a suitcase and trying to get our dad to put me in with his luggage to Australia – Steve and I were there
3 Breaking our brother, Peter's arm whilst on a bouncy cstle when we were a lot younger – Steve was DEFINITELY there

All jokes to one side for a minute. Steve is not only my older brother he is also a good friend.
I remember sitting in an English GSCE exam at high school and one of my essay questions asked me to describe somebody who I looked up to well in Steve's case looked down to and respected..so Steve I owe part of that B grade in GCSE English language to you. Although I can't remember much of what I wrote I am almost certain that what I wrote would still be true today.

A few years ago Steve gave me a book titled ”The Best Man” and it gave me some inspiration for this speech. The main story in this book was about the best man trying and failing miserably to tell his best friend how he felt he was making a big mistake..…
So Steve I'm sorry to say this me to say this but… thankfully this story has nothing in common with you and Clare as I can safely say you have got married for the all the right reasons.

From when I first met Clare I knew she was the one for me …Sorry I think this is your speech Steve hand to Steve

From when I first met Clare I knew her and Steve made a good couple even though Steve didn't QUITE get the hint that he wasn't wanted anymore when Clare moved to New Zealand for a year. Just kidding .. When they managed to stay together whilst Clare was the other side of the world for 12 months, I knew it was serious. When Clare came back from New Zealand, she moved in with Steve and she started coming on the annual Andrews family holidays. I think my Mum was glad of the female company having had male dominated holidays for the majority of the past 20 or so years.

Now has come for the part of the speech where I am supposed to welcome Clare into the family but Clare has felt like part of our family for many years now and she is like an older sister to me. Clare is a great person and I know Steve couldn't have met a better woman to marry. I couldn't be happier that you have got married. I guess I should finally say congratulations to you both. I hope you have a long, healthy and happy life together.

I have a few cards from people who couldn't make it today. Read 2 genuine cards

Dear Steve
Thanks for the long summers lounging around by the pool. I hope you made the right choice All My love Michael Barrymore

One final thing I would like to share with you. I was thinking during the ceremony about how history repeats itself.No, Steve hasn't been married before but 32 years ago, Clare's mum and dad were sending their daughter to bed with a dummy…… so now I can see why Clare is attracted to Steve

Can you all be upstanding and raise your glasses.
To Steve and Clare – May your married life be full of fours and sixes and absent of any golden ducks