Speech by Ian Bell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian Bell
Speech Date: dec 2003
THE BEST MAN SPEECH

‘Good Afternoon ladies and gentleman, I always appreciate a warm hand on my opening’! (Optional depending on applause)

When graham came to me and asked me to be his Best Man, organise a stag night, get him to the church on time and say a few nice things about him at the reception, I told him it would be a great honour but thought he might be better off with someone else…..…

Then he offered me £50……pause
I said ‘I'm not a man who can be bought’
Then he offered me £100……pause.

So anyway good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is Ian and it's an honour to be Grahams best man.

I must admit that I was a little worried in making this speech today, until I saw your faces and realised that you are all just like me, DRUNK! And for this I would just like to say my first thank you to the bar-staff.

Writing a this speech is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do, not only do I stand here in front of you dressed like Lawrence Llewwellyn Bowen, I have to provide something for everyone and make you laugh without offending any of the older generation shall we say.… yes much to distress my parents are out amongst you somewhere! PAUSE
So to cover every eventuality I decided to practice my speech to a few key audiences to test it out for shock value.
Audience No 1 – The lads down the pub, went down a storm
Audience No 2 – Mum and Dad, both loved, mum especially after dad explained the gags.
Audience No 3 – Down at the local nursing home, well and this one was the acid test. Well before I continue I think is only right that we take a minutes silence for Ethel Braithwaite, Maude Battersby and Herbert Beale.… PAUSE… (And prey they Laugh).… (SOME GOT THIS AND OTHERS DIDN'T SO MOVED ON – IF THEY DON'T LAUGH WHEN U THINK THEY WILL MOVE ON QUICKLY)

OBSERVATION

Its just struck me as Peter (brides dad) and Graham were speaking before me how much they have in common, after all, it's the 1st time in years that Peter has been able to speak for 10 minutes without interruption from the women in his family, and it will be the last time Graham gets to do the same, so I sincerely hope he treasures the moment.
THE HAPPY COUPLE
Graham and Debbie first got together in a steamy embrace at the Spotted Dog Public House, Penshurst, I say steamy embrace not because of grahams unrequited love for Debbie was finally able to burst free, but because he was boiling the veg for about 50 meals at the pub that night. Thankfully their love (optional – unlike the vegetables) hasn't been off the boil ever since and that's why we are all here today for this happy occasion.

We all know they are good for one another. Debbie brings beauty, integrity, honesty, reliability and intelligence, while Graham brings… erm erm.. (Check notes).. his love of MacDonald's, KFC, Smelly Pants, snoring and a few cans of Stella.
And I am sure you all agree that Debbie looks absolutely stunning today, One in a million in fact, whereas Graham looks well…stunned and won in a raffle.
(Optional – its nice to see Debbie opted for the traditional white dress. You'll have no trouble blending in with everything else in the kitchen now )

THE GROOM
Well I have know Graham for close to 10 years now and consider him to be one of my closest and most trustworthy friends, but this is a best man speech so all that goes out the window and its payback for all the endless pranks he has played on me over the years.
(To grahams mum – this is the point where you put your fingers in your ears)

Well having only known Graham for 10 years means I knew little about his childhood, so I have had to do some careful investigating into his past and thanks to his friend Mel, who is with us here today and one of his old school teachers, who sadly couldn't join us today for security reasons..… I think I have just what I need.

GIRLS
I have been reliably been informed that Grahams love of the ladies started at a very early age and he would sometimes go to some drastic measures to get the girl. I believe that one particular girl by the name of Andrea Palmer, from Clarendon House Grammar School Ramsgate had him so weak at the knees that he needed the ultimate plan to win her heart, as his usual cheek chappy approach wasn't working. So to get some sympathy he decided……wait for this its is good… even if a little psychotic !!! to proceed to scrape his head along a brick wall… on hold there's more..… whilst riding his bike at the same time. This resulted in a moderately painful graze down the left hand side of his head. However, the plan worked and he got his sympathy in more ways than one over the next few months.

Another young lady wasn't quite so lucky!!! Whilst on holiday in a distinctly dodgy part of the Costa Brava, he got chatting to 2 young ladies, one of which he had had a thing for for days. Anyway one double date later with Mel and they were of to paint the town red. Graham unfortunately didn't use paint and it certainly wasn't red.… PAUSE. He claimed that he had had his drink spiked and this was the reason, he was sick down himself, the new love of his life's arm and everywhere in the bathroom of the hotel but the toilet.

HIS SCHOOL YEARS
Now when I managed to speak to one of his teachers from school down a very crackly phone line she told me that ‘Graham was an ideal pupil.… who excelled in most subjects’ and said she would email a few stories. I put the phone down and was to be honest somewhat bemused. When the email arrived with all the details in turned out she had actually said ‘Graham was an idol pupil who was expelled from most subjects and realised she had a struggle on her hands when Graham had reliably informed her that Alfred Hitchcock was a jockstrap and the book of genesis was written by Phil Collins.

And on one final occasion when asked to use the word judicious in a sentence to show he understood its meaning Graham stood up bold as brass and said ‘Hands that do dishes can be soft as your face with mild green fairy liquid’

GRAHAM AND ME
Well now onto the Graham I know. What can I say?. Graham is a Man of vision… sometimes blurred ..… sometimes/more often than not doubled. Well I first met graham at the spotted dog too although thankfully we never made it into a steamy embrace, it was normally to the bar for a few beers and a laugh, and it was long before I became aware of his wickedly infectious sense of humour.

Anyway there have been many a nights out in Tunbridge Wells’ nightclub, Davinchis, where I have been witness to the raw, and still undiscovered talent of Grahams rhythm. Regularly he would empty the dancefloor with his unique style of dancing which left the women speechless..… PAUSE… By speechless, I mean none of them ever spoke to him. PAUSE.

But to be fair when I did spot him chatting to a young lady his time and effort wasn't wasted on him, rather on me .I have lost count the amount of time he stitched me up…..… thanks to graham I have assumed many a role…….I have been a drummer in Robbie Williams band (anyone know who he is? Exactly and that's where the genius of his deceit lies) and I think my favourite one had to be when I was stalked for several weeks by a crazed fan who was lead to believe that I infact was one of West Hams and England's hottest young football talents, I had just signed a boot deal with Nike and my first England game was in few weeks time live on Sky. ( I know believable eh ?)

You think the fact that I was standing at the bar with one eye closed, a pint in one hand and the bar in the other might have sent alarm bells ringing about my athletic capabilities or should I say pathetic capabilities, but NO which sort of sums up the quality of ladies Graham tried to set me up with… PAUSE…… As you can see today he kept the best for himself.

Anyway for weeks around town this young lady would shout hello, wave and tell all her mates ‘here (said in my rough accent), there's that footballer!” how I was never found out to this day I will never know.

(OPTIONAL – Graham did however use one of these classic lines himself and convinced one young lady that in fact he was in the Mclaren F1 team racing team. He put the fuels in the cars and the only reason you couldn't recognise from the TV is because he has to wear a helmet. Again 2 words – deceptive genius)

WRAPPING UP
Seriously though my friend, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for being there for me in the past, Debbie as well, even its just been to go round for a bit of psychology, or to eat and drink them out of house and home. There's not many a best men who can describe the bride as a true friend, as well as the groom, but I am lucky in that I can do exactly that. It s been an honour, albeit the most terrifying experience of my life, to be asked to be my best man here today and thankfully knowing how much in love with each other you are one I will never have to repeat.
But as I haven't taken the walk down the aisle myself I was wondering what advice I could possible offer. And after asking around I think everyman came up with the same thing.… For god sake don't upset your new mother in law. A friend of mine hasn't spoken to his for 2 years now… no don't get wrong they haven't fallen out..… he just thought it was rude to interrupt.

On behalf of G & D I would like to thank everyone for coming, particularly those who have travelled long distances, like our mutual friends Jim and Anita from Liverpool, who incidentally wanted to me to give their present to you now in case they had to go early..… (pull out old car stereo).

So now it give me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Graham and Debbie, Mr and Mrs Mitchell no less. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy and fruitful marriage. Graham and Debbie.