Speech by Ian Bentley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian Bentley
Speech Date: may 2003
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. For those of you that don't know me already, my name is Ian, but you'll probably hear most people calling me ‘Billy’ or ‘Doyle’ along with other names that I won't mention in-front of small children.
We are here today to celebrate a love match: Pure & Simple. I'll leave you to decide which one is which.
So to begin with, on behalf of the Bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone for coming here to celebrate this memorable day, with a special thanks to those of you that have had to travel quite a long way. Personally, I wish you'd all stayed at home, because things would have been much easier for me!
I really thought that it would be difficult to follow a speech by Calvin, and I was right, I couldn't follow a single word. So, on behalf of everyone that was mentioned, I would like to thank Calvin for his kind words, or whatever it was that he just said. I'm sure you will all agree that today is turning out to be a great success. Charlotte as always looks absolutely stunning with Joanne, Elizabeth & Emma looking fabulous along side her. I think the three bridesmaids have done a fantastic job in making sure that Charlotte's hair was perfect, her dress was always straight and her make-up was not smudged.
But I know what some of you are thinking – That's easy to do, as Charlotte doesn't need any help to look gorgeous. However I've been told that it's quite difficult to pout, look pretty, and hold flowers all at the same time, especially for well over an hour.
A special well done to Matty and Alan for doing what you do best – bugger all! At least you managed to usher everyone out of the pub in time for the service and get them all here to the reception.
Can I just check that Sharky and Andy Harte are in the building and not still in Wetherspoons.
Also thanks to everyone else that has helped to make today so perfect and I ask you to join me in a round of applause for them all…

I've come to the conclusion that being ‘Best Man’ is just a fancy title for being a ‘Gopher’. As the Gopher I've had to ensure that the groom arrives at the church on time, sober, and looking good – I don't think 2 out of 3 is too bad. But when Calvin asked me to be his best man, I have to admit …I panicked. The thought of having to stand up and make a speech scared the life out of me and I can tell you now that this is not the first time today I've got up from a warm seat with a couple of bits of paper in my hand. Now there are a couple of things that I wasn't really supposed to mention, so I'll just quickly skip though them:

Calvin's eyesight – Yes ladies and gentlemen, your groom is a man of vision……sometimes BLURRED……but usually DOUBLE. This is due to the amount of alcohol that he consumes on a regular basis. Now I can tell you that in the past that Calvin has tried to stay away from the evils of drink and has actually managed it for a few hours, but every time he tries to resist there is a strange force near ‘The Wallace’ that just seems to lure him into the bar and holds him there against his will.

Calvin's Ex's – Most of you will know that Calvin used to work for ‘New Look’ which allowed him to travel around the UK. I was warned about the potentially delicate responsibility of keeping his old acquaintances at bay, but fortunately with the outbreak of ‘Foot and Mouth’ the other year most of them seemed to disappear, so no worries there.

I did actually wonder why Calvin asked me to be his Best Man. Maybe it was because it was payback time for when he was Best Man at my wedding or maybe he just didn't have anyone else left to ask. Then suddenly it dawned on me – The Stag!! Who else do you think would be able to successfully arrange a weekend away for 37 lads?

The Stag believe it or not was supposed to be a cultural tour around Edinburgh's art galleries, museums and monumental buildings. Unfortunately the pubs were too much of a distraction for the lads and we didn't get to see any sort of culture from what I remember.
I think everyone that went will agree that it was a fantastic trip and we'll all remember it for a long time to come.
Tradition has it that the best mans speech is designed to perform a complete character assassination of the groom in order to embarrass and humiliate him. But as Calvin does this so well himself on a regular basis I thought I'd break from tradition and tell you all what a kind, caring and thoughtful man he is. After weeks of trying I couldn't think of anything to write, so I thought I'd revert back to plan A.
I've got plenty of stories about Calvin, but the unfortunate thing is that there aren't too many of them which would be appropriate for this occasion, so I conveniently forgot them. However, my memory tends to improve with alcohol, so if you catch me in the bar later, you never know what I might remember – bidding will start at 1 pint!

Now I've known Calvin for the best part of 15 years and I must admit – he hasn't changed a bit. I often wonder what it would be like if I didn't have him as a friend ……… sometimes the smile can last for days.
Anyway, for those of you present that might not know Calvin very well, I will try to give you a potted history of the man himself.
Calvin John Urquhart was born on the 18th March 1976. This was a significant year in history as it had the hottest summer on record. However, this had a major effect on Calvin as apparently the heat considerably reduced the IQ of all children born in that year.
Maybe this also had an effect on what was to happen with the rest of his life because if I was asked to describe Calvin with just one word it would be very easy – HORMONAL!
Now I know you might think I'm being a bit harsh on the lad, but I don't know anyone else that has sulked since the age of 13. Kevin the teenager has got nothing on our Calvin!
I tell you now, the next time any of you out there think that it's sometimes difficult to live with your other half – Just sit back, take a deep breath and spare a thought for poor Charlotte here.

I have tried to do a little bit of research into the possible reasons behind Calvin's mood swings as I've only known him since he was about 13 but there were only two things that came to light which might have had an influence on Calvin's life.
Firstly whilst Calvin was at Whitmore Park Junior School he entered the Annual Fancy Dress Competition which he managed to win easily. Now Calvin has never been one to copy people's styles as we can see from his current dress sense so his outfit was slightly different to all of the other lads at school. He did not dress up as a superhero, famous footballer or even E.T, which wouldn't have been too difficult. No, when Calvin arrived at school that morning he was dressed as a Brownie, complete with bobble hat and hair plaits.

Secondly not many people know this but Calvin has a secret talent. Now Calvin hates to be excluded from anything and certainly doesn't like to feel like he's missing out, so in the early 80’s he decided that he wanted to go with his sister to her tap dancing lessons. I'm not too sure how much he actually learnt in one lesson but maybe Heather will drag him onto the dance floor a bit later on to shown us one of their old dance routines.

This brings me nicely onto the more recent years that I've known Calvin. One of my favourite memories is when he finally made his clubbing debut at the age of 16 at ‘The Pink Parrott’. Blinded by bright lights, loud music and more girls that any adolescent could comprehend, he hit the dance floor. This was where I was to witness the raw and still undiscovered talent of Calvin's dancing. Regularly he would empty the dance floor with his moves, which would leave all the ladies speechless. So speechless in fact that they never spoke to him. The silence continued well into the next morning once Cath had found out where he'd been. I still don't think she's forgiven me for introducing him to the lads.

I think that now might be a good time to tell you about Calvin's habit of sleep-walking. Obviously Calvin doesn't have much of a memory of this because it tends to only happen when he's drunk, but I can confess that I have witnessed two occasions when Calvin's midnight strolls have got him into a potentially embarrassing situation.
The first instance was one night only a few years ago, when after a night out Calvin stopped at my house. Imagine my surprise when at 4:00 in the morning, Calvin decided to walk around starkers on the landing looking for the toilet. He did have a little bit of good luck though, because my mum & Dad managed to sleep through the whole thing – pity really!

The second time was after another night of drinking, when a few of us went out for a couple of beers. A couple of beers soon turned into several beers and at the end of the evening we all ended up back at Alan's house. At this point Alan was living in the garage at the bottom of his mum's garden – I know it sounds a bit strange but it was a great place to go for a late beer after the pubs had closed.
It wasn't long before everyone had fell asleep with a can of Red Stripe, only to be woken by a huge crashing noise. As we all looked around to see what had happened we were surprised to see that everything was just how we had left it. Then suddenly Alan's wardrobe doors opened up and Calvin's head popped out. He then continued to step out of the wardrobe which is when the penny dropped and we realised what he had been doing in there. We all sat there speechless, staring at Calvin as he stood there in-front of us with his trousers and pants around his ankles – but all he had to say for himself was ‘WHAT?’

This is not the only time that Calvin's bodily functions have caused him quite a bit of embarrassment. Not too long ago he went to watch the football on a Saturday afternoon but came home with severe stomach cramp.
Ian rushed him down to Casualty and Calvin was seen almost immediately by a doctor. The strange thing was that the doctor couldn't find anything wrong and so called for a second opinion. In the meantime Calvin was getting more and more uncomfortable and thought that rolling onto his side might help, but as he did an amazing thing happened – the pain disappeared. Why? Because he farted. That's all it was just a little bit of trapped wind. Apparently Calvin has never left a building so quick in all his life.

Calvin has devoted nearly his whole life to one true love – Coventry City. This is probably the reason why Calvin had never settled down with anyone as no-one could come close to his beloved Sky Blues. There was a time a few years ago that I thought he'd found ‘The One’ but when Robbie Keane's agent found out that Calvin was stalking him, he forced Robbie to change clubs and move away.

Calvin was so distraught that Matty decided to look after him for a while. He made an error and let Calvin sleep on his sofa one night but he ended up staying there for about a year. I'm amazed that Matty let him stay on for so long, but then somebody had to do the lazy sod's dishes.
Calvin continued to live his playboy life, but unfortunately this could not go on forever and on one starry night he met the woman of his dreams. A little time after that, he met Charlotte.
This was 3 years ago, ironically on April Fools Day. Charlotte was a young, clever and attractive student who was studying for her teaching degree and Calvin was ……… well Calvin was Calvin. They caught each others eye through the smoke at Ikon and it is generally known that Charlotte said Calvin was "Handsome from afar", however earlier today she told me that she had actually said Calvin was "Far from handsome".
Calvin soon took Charlotte back to ‘his place’ which as we all know was actually Matty's house. This caused both of them a problem as it was difficult to tell when one or the other was ‘entertaining quests’.
Calvin then came up with the idea that if a certain CD was being played, then the other person would have to remain upstairs or outside. Funnily enough the lyrics to the ‘James – Best of’ Album is now known by nearly all of the neighbours in the close.
It wasn't long before Calvin & Charlotte's relationship began to blossom and soon they realised that they were hopelessly in love. Things were moving along nicely between them, everyone had their fingers crossed for the happy couple and then on the banks of Loch Ness Calvin bent down to tie his shoelace. Charlotte jumped to conclusions …and here we are today, finally married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Calvin couldn't have done any better and Charlotte could never have done any worse.
But now that you are married I'd just like the pair of you to do something for me.
Charlotte, please lay a hand down on the table and Calvin could you place your hand on top of hers.
I just want Calvin to cherish this moment (you might want to get someone to take a photograph of this) because now that you're married this will be the last time you'll ever have the upper hand.

Moving along, I'd just quickly like to give a mention to some other significant people here today. I think that it is all too easy to forget about the importance of these people on a day like today, but without them none of us would be sat in this room. Therefore I'd just like to say a quick word of thanks to Kay, Bob, Cath & Ian for letting us share this happy day with them.
It's obvious to see on their faces how proud they are of there little angels but I wonder if they've thought how funny it is that history repeats itself. I mean, years ago Charlotte's parents were sending her to bed with a dummy……… and today it's happening again.
Now as I was doing my research into the speech, it seemed that loads of people wanted to give you some tips to start out your married life together. So what I've done is listed just a few them – Well the ones that were appropriate:
Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who is boss…and then do everything Charlotte says.
Secondly – It is very important to get on with your mother in-law. Don't interrupt – it's rude!
Thirdly – Never go to bed on an argument…always stay up and fight!
And finally – Always remember to tell her those 3 little words…… "You're right dear".

You'll all be glad to know that I'm coming to the end of my duties but before I finish I just need to read out some cards:

The first one is signed by all of the lads at football. The message reads:
We've found Calvin to be useless in every position.
Hope Charlotte has more luck.

Actual Card:

And finally, I've got an interesting card here with lots of signatures on it that I can't read but the message is:
To Charlotte,
We'll miss our after match shower sessions together.
Lots of love the boys at Coventry City Football Club.

Now on a serious note, on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd once again like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day and I'd like to personally thank Calvin and Charlotte for choosing me as best man today. It has been a great pleasure and honour to stand up here for these two special friends.
Throughout life you can count your true friends on one hand; these being people who will drop whatever they are doing to help you in any way they can in your hour of need. So with that in mind I'd like to thank Calvin for his friendship over the years that I have known him.
It seems now though, that Calvin is truly happy – which as most of you know is a rare trait indeed, and because of this I'd like to say a special thank-you to Charlotte. I don't think we could have put up with his mood swings for much longer.
I'd just like to finish off now by giving Calvin and Charlotte my own little bit of advice, which is to enjoy the rest of today because it will go by so quickly. And remember that this will not be the happiest day of your life it will actually be one of many like the birth of your children and Coventry City winning the F.A. Cup!

So without further ado, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the New Mr & Mrs Urquhart.
To the health, wealth, happiness and good fortune of the happy couple; To the Bride and Groom.