Speech by Ian Boulton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian Boulton
Speech Date: oct 2003
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
It's not the first time today that I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand, but I do hope it's the last.

Firstly, I would on behalf of the Bridesmaids, like to thank Steve for his kind words. I have to agree that they do look lovely. I'm sure you'll all agree. I'd also like to thank the ushers for doing a great job, and on behalf of the bride, I'd like to thank the vicar for a lovely service. I heard Sam say to Sara that she was also impressed by the size of the vicar's organ!!

I have to start by explaining that I've always known Steve as ‘Mole’. This is because he used to wear little round glasses and we used to think he looked like the little mole out of Wind in the Willows, when he wasn't trying to look like Bryan Adams, or Indiana Jones.

When Mole asked me to be his Best Man, I felt honoured at first, then pleased that he's finally admitted that I am the best man. Then, I felt terrified about doing the speech. But, Steve promised me that if I did a good job he would let me be the Best Man at his next wedding. So, to help me with the speech, I asked Edith if she had any nice photos of Steve that I could show you today. There was a really cute one of him lying naked on a sheepskin rug playing with himself ……………………..but I think that was just one of Sam's polaroids that got mixed up with them. Then I asked Sam to remind me of how they first met. She says it was in the Maltings Nightclub in Stroud. Their eyes met across a crowded dance floor, and the silver tongued fox sidled up to her and said the romantic line ‘Do you wanna dance or what’. Well, it must have worked or we wouldn't be here today.

Now, everyone knows Steve as a big tough man, but Sam has also told me that there is a soppy, soft side to him. Like, when she's ill she receives Get Well cards that the local cats are meant to have written – ‘To Sam, Get Well Soon, from Charlie, Saggy Paws, No Tail and Mr Fluffy Tail’. I've heard that some of Sam's friends didn't think there were any good men left in the world, until they met Mole. I just think most of Sam's friends have lived very sheltered lives! And the big white bus will be along to get you later.

Now, I've had the misfortune to share a room with Mole on every annual lad's holiday and Sam, I do feel sorry for you. Some of the things I've seen and heard have even made me blush!! His arse is so hairy that one year he jumped in the pool naked and the owner told Steve to get the dog out of the pool!!! As I said, the lads go on holiday together almost every year, and there's usually plenty of stories to tell……… like having an eviction notice on our first night, getting hit with sticks and naked wrestling. If you want any more on that, see Mr Goddard on table 6. The most famous story is the one about me and Mole being sneaky with the drinks kitty and to cut a long story short, after 2 bottles of Aftershock and several shandys, Mole ended up spending the night in the Aiya Napa Central Hospital. Funny thing is, I made it home okay and was perfectly alright the next day!! This year, the lads holiday was in fact ONE of Mole's stag do's……………………we went to Kavos in Corfu for a quiet week. We didn't actually do anything nasty to him, but we each took an outfit for him to wear and I'd like to show you just one of the outfits. (Dress the groom in full size Scooby Doo outfit). Talking of lads holidays, I've been talking to the lads and it's Magaluf for next year! I'll talk to you about it later when Sam's not around and we can talk properly.

Now, this is the part of the speech where I'm supposed to offer Mole some advice about married life. Well, For those of you that don't know, Mole and Sam have been together for over 8 years, but last night he told me it felt like a lifetime. So, I can hardly warn him about rushing into married life!!! Seriously, I don't think you need any advice from anyone because I think you've already got it sorted – Sam says JUMP and you say HOW HIGH!! All joking aside, Steve, I'd like to take this opportunity to say to you that you're an excellent mate and a true friend, not just to me, but to all the lads. I know that I speak for all of them when I say that I wish you all the best and we all feel honoured to share your special day with you. And I'd like to say to you Sam, that you make a beautiful bride, as we knew you would. I think you'll all agree that this clever and pretty young lady deserves a great husband, so fair play to Mole for getting in there before she found one!

Just before I finish, I've got a couple of cards to read out. (READ GENUINE CARD) ‘To Big Steve – Don't forget us now you're married. >From all the girls at the Aylesbury Strip and Peep Show’ (READ GENUINE CARD). ‘To Sam, sorry we can't be with you on your special day, lots of love from Charlie, Saggy Paws, Mr Fluffy Tail and Mr No Tail.

Ladies and gentlemen, all that's left for me to do is to ask you all to please be upstanding and raise your glasses to the new Mr and Mrs Wood ……………….TO SAM AND STEVE!!