Speech by Ian Brierley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian Brierley
Speech Date: Mar2005
Firstly, I'd like to thank (Groom) for his kind words. I think you'd all agree that today has been great up until now . . . but as they say every silver lining has a cloud, so here I am !

Having known (Groom) for over 25 years, I have amassed loads of entertaining stories about him, however hardly any of these are appropriate for his wedding, and I would be in a lot of trouble if I told them here . . . so I'll be telling them over there, later (points to the bar).

(Groom) had an active childhood, his pre-school days were spent in Jersey, no doubt soaking up the warm sunshine, building sandcastles and eating ice cream. It was here, that he was first introduced to sailing, and through his father's guidance, over the next few years, (Groom) went on to become a competent yachtsman.

By the time I first met (Groom), at East Preston Junior School, he was already highly proficient in Judo, no doubt inspired by his childhood hero ‘Steve Austin – The Bionic Man’.
Even his school report at the time heaped praise on his athleticism . . . and I quote Mr Hill class 6; “(Groom) is a keen, strong and agile performer, he is to be commended for the muscular enthusiasm he brings to P.E and Games.”

Sadly, these early school reports failed to recognise (Groom's) blossoming musical talents. Already a competent pianist, (Groom) turned his attentions to the flute, and through his tenacity and drive went on to achieve Grade 6, and also a place in the Angmering School Orchestra. He later taught himself the guitar and even sang baritone in the school opera ‘The Ancient Mariner’.

Unfortunately for (Groom), despite his best endeavours, he was unable to rub off some of this talent on his friends. As musical director of our nameless teenage rock band,
(Groom) took charge; writing the music, coaching my one finger keyboard skills, and even providing the venue. Personally, I thought our rendition of ‘Summer of 69′ by Bryan Adams was passable, but as they say if at first you don't succeed . . . give up, so we did.

At this point I would like to offer my sincerest apologies on behalf of the Usher's and myself for any distress caused to (Groom's) parents during our rehearsals in their living room.

(Groom) has never been one for giving up easily though; he even tried to introduce me to sailing, on a beautiful, if windy Summer's day.
All went well until we left the shelter of the River Arun, we returned to port after what I can only describe as 40 minutes of stomach churning hell.
I much preferred the drinks on deck, watching the world go by, safely moored to the jetty.

You may be wandering at this point what (Groom) and I actually have in common?

On reflection I have shared, and sometimes survived, a great deal with (Groom) over the years, noteably;

1.Home economics and needlework with Miss Simons
2.Our first holiday abroad without parents, in Greece
3.ZX Spectrum home computers
4.The highs and mostly lows of golf
5.And being at least a decade behind with our fashion sense.

On this latter point, you may not be aware that during his teenage years (Groom) was able to draw inspiration from his other great hero “Austin Powers – International Man of Mystery”.
The mystery to the rest of his friends being, where did (Groom) get his shirts from and more importantly . . . Why?
It has to be said that (Groom's) finest fashion moment was captured on film whilst on holiday in Florida, and it is with (Usher's) kind permission that I am able to share this with you today.

(Unravels blown up picture of Groom in brightly coloured Shirt with swirls, dots and stripes and unmatching loud shorts and hairy legs !)

Thankfully, with the exception of a roll-neck jumper, (Groom's) standard of dress has improved dramatically; if only the same could be said of the standard of his golf.

Somehow over the years (Groom) and I have managed to play golf equally badly, so most of our games have actually been quite close. (Groom) has always been enthusiastic, optimistic and good natured and even manages a few trick shots to keep me amused. His most famous, the ‘dambuster shot’, is reserved for special occasions when there is a pond in front of the tee. (Groom) basically hits the ball with such ferocity and topspin that it bounces 2 or 3 times on the surface of the pond and somehow makes it to the fairway on the other side !

Now no best man's speech would be complete without a story which embraces how our happy couple met, and it is a classic tale of love conquering all.
Whilst on the golf course, a couple of years ago now, (Groom) suddenly announced that he'd met an American lady called (Bride) through an internet dating agency.

I was slightly stunned at the time for several reasons.

1.(Groom) was never one to take unnecessary or uncalculated risk
2.I had no idea (Groom) was using his considerable computing skills in this way
3.(Bride) was already in England, and at that precise moment (Groom) should have been meeting up with her instead of playing golf with me!

Despite (Groom's) assurance that the date was not set in stone, and he'd go and see her later on, personally I didn't rate his chances of a successful first date!

Imagine my surprise therefore when some time later (Groom) announced that (Bride) and he were an item, and that she was looking forward to meeting his friends – everyone except his golfing partner, I thought.

Luckily, (Bride) turned out to be as friendly as she is forgiving, and I am delighted to see them getting married here today.
But to make sure (Groom) gets his priorities right in the future I thought it timely to present him with a small gift to remind him of his marital responsibilities…

… A golfing tea towel. (holds up for all guests to see)

To help keep him in check, I have also bought (Bride) a small gift…

… The ‘Honey Do‘whistle – “Guaranteed obedience training tool for your new husband”
(holds up for all guests to see)

Joking aside, although it is a long standing tradition to give the groom a bit of a hard time, in (Groom's) case this has actually been very difficult, as he is such a loyal, and supportive friend. I can only add, that it has been a great honour for me to have been your best man today.

Finally, as I stand before you at (Bride) and (Groom's) wedding breakfast , I think it is appropriate to mention the historical significance of this day, March 7th.
Not only was it the day in 1897 that Dr John Kellogg first served his new invention Kelloggs cornflakes, presumably at someone else's breakfast; it was also the day that unified communications between America and Britain in the first transatlantic radio-telephone conversation, in 1926.
Today, thanks to the internet, 2 people from either side of the Atlantic have found happiness together, and family and friends from both America and Britain have been able to join together to celebrate their marriage.
I think I speak for all of us here when I say that we wish you both every happiness in your future lives together.

All that remains for me to do is to ask you all to stand once more, and raise your glasses in toast . . . ‘to (Bride) and (Groom)’.