Speech by Ian Cranfield

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian Cranfield
Speech Date: Nov2005
Ladies, gentlemen, it occurs to me that one of the greatest things about a wedding is that it's one of the few occasions when three men are allowed to get up and speak without being interrupted by their womenfolk, …..so as is customary, its time for one or two speeches of thanks from the bride's father, the groom and then myself as the best man.

I'm quite sure all three of us are a little nervous at the prospect right now. I know I am, because this is already the 4th time today that I've stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

Anyway, it gives me great pleasure to call upon the bride's father to say a few words and propose a toast of ‘health and happiness to the bride and bridegroom’, so please give Jeff a massive round of applause!

BRIDES FATHERS SPEECH (stand at end and applaud)

Thank you Jeff for those words. I'll now call upon Paul to say a few nice things about his mum and dad, the lovely bridesmaids, anyone else that warrants a mention (fiddle with cravate and look at Paul), and of course his lovely new wife. Ladies and gents, I give you Paul your Groom. (Start applause)

GROOMS SPEECH (stand at end and applaud)

Thanks very much for that Paul, you can now at last relax and enjoy the rest of your day. Look at the relief on his face.…

MY SPEECH

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys, girls, and close friends, Again hello to you all, my name is Ian and as you are now aware, I'm the best man for this special occasion. For those of you who don't know me from Adam, I am also one of Paul's ever growing list of brothers. (Sorry – private joke, but we're up to 5 now!)

Before, I wrote this speech I asked a few people how long they thought the speech should last. The general response was about as long as it takes the Groom to make love. So with that in mind, thank you, you have been a wonderful audience (sit)
(get back up)

OK, seriously, I have heard several best man speeches over the last few years and they all seem to blatantly and disgracefully set out to demolish the character of the groom. Frankly, I can see no reason why my speech should be any different!

Anyway, enough about that for now, this day is all about the happy couple and as best man it is my job to thank a few certain people, talk about the role and duties of best man, give Paul a bit of a hard time! and finally to toast the happy couple. So here we go.…

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Paul for the kind words in his speech and the gifts.

I'd also like to thank all you guests and relatives for making it here today. I know for a fact that some of you have travelled an awfully long way. Isn't it amazing what lengths some people will go to for a free meal and a glass of wine!

I'd like to thank the bridesmaids for getting Claire here today. Rumour is she put up quite a struggle and I can now see why she wanted at least four of them today by her side.

Finally the main vote of thanks goes to Paul, for admitting, at long long last, that I am indeed, the Best Man.

Paul has understandably been a bit worried about the whole marriage thing, so as an older brother and more importantly a married man myself, I took him aside and said, “Brother.… You'll look back on today as the happiest day of your life”..… I said that to him yesterday!!

One of my roles as best man, is to make sure that Paul got here today, in one piece, Preferably on time, and as you can see, he made it.

Apart from that important task, the best man's duties are numerous and diverse; obviously one of the most important is to ensure the Grooms’ respectable appearance … now come on.… you can only work with what you're given!

Seriously though I hope you will agree that he's polished up quite nicely and does look rather dashing. (If you agree – give him a whistle now!!)

All credit for his appearance must go to him though; He gave up the beer to get in shape for his wedding. And I think he's succeeded! Well being round is a shape isn't it? (Looking at Paul) I'm only kidding mate.

In trying to prepare for my speech and duties, I read a book recently on weddings and I paid special attention to the key parts that make up a wedding ceremony. These were:

• The aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
• The altar – the place where 2 become 1
• The hymn – the celebration of the marriage

I think Claire must have been reading the same book, ‘cos as she came up the aisle, I'm sure I heard her whispering "Aisle, Altar, Hymn, Aisle, Altar, Hymn"

The book also said that a man is incomplete until he is married.… And then he is finished!

About Paul

Anyway, let me tell you some things about Paul?

Paul was born in December 1972. Looking at his good looks nowadays, you might not believe it, but initially, he was not a very pretty baby.

In fact he was the only baby in West London to have shutters on his pram.

And then he was a real slow starter at school. He was just so different to all the other 5 year olds, ………he was 11.

During his early years he lived in Saudi Arabia, Iran and Africa. His favourite past-time would be sitting on the kitchen floor at 3 o'clock in the morning with a glass jar in between his legs and constantly repeating “I wanna Gerkin, I wanna Gerkin” until someone got up and opened the jar for him. Strange boy!

During our time growing up in West London, Paul earned the nickname Squeaky. For the life of me I couldn't remember how this came about. I thought it might have something to do with him making funny noises but a close friend who I am still in touch with actually told me it was because he had holes in his shoes and they squeaked as he walked through the puddles! Now having holes in his shoes was no real surprise though, whilst other kids wore Nikeys, Paul had his sandals.

Being a couple of years older than Paul I wasn't in the same school year so I did some research on the Internet instead. It's amazing how much information you can trace on a single individual.

Firstly, I managed to trace our old head mistress, a certain Mrs Barrington, from Northolt Middle School from many, many years ago. She's still going strong, well into her seventies now but amazingly she still recalls Paul from his younger years. Let me quote her:-

‘Paul was an ideal pupil who excelled in most subjects’
Sorry I miss read that, it actually says, Paul was an idle pupil – who was expelled from most subjects. Oh well.…

I also tracked down a former schoolmate called David West. He told me that Paul was always passionate about his football. I asked him what he thought of Paul's playing abilities. He told me, and again I quote:- “we found Paul to be absolutely useless in every single position”. Clare, I hope you have a bit more luck tonight…

I spoke to an ex-colleague at work and the chap mentioned that Paul had been compared to something of a God in the workplace.… He is rarely seen and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle!!

I asked a few people who know him well to comment on his character. Honestly, I barely found a single person who had a bad word to say about him.

Although, I did find some.

When I heard the words, belligerent, lazy, stubborn and obstinate, I thought hang about, that's a bit rough………….but if his parents don't know him then who does.

Before I end this little speech, I just wanted to mention a few of other things:

Firstly, isn't it strange how history repeats itself? After all, it was approximately 32 years ago to this very day that Claire's mum and dad were sending her to bed with a dummy!

Secondly, Claire, always remember that men are like fine wine… they start out like little grapes and it's your job to stamp all over them until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with!

Seriously though Paul, I would like to say it has been an honour and a privilege to be your Best Man today, and to say how lucky you are to have married Claire, you have found someone loving, caring, smart and… well a match for you any day of the week, and Claire you've found… well… our Paul.

A thought we should all perhaps bear in mind is that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with; it's about finding someone you can't live without.

So finally,

as a man that will drink to absolutely anything,

It gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding (wait for everyone),

Raise your glasses (wait)

And join me in a this toast;

Here's to love, laughter, and happily ever after
As Paul and Claire start their new life
Let us toast the new husband and wife.…
Ladies and gentlemen the Bride and Groom