Speech by Ian Edwards

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian Edwards
Speech Date: apr 2003
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. When John asked me to be his best man, I was honoured. In fact it is an honour to say I am a friend of John and Janet's. But John asked me to make my speech the shortest in known History, as he gets very embarrassed and shy. So I would like respect that wish and to thank you all for coming and hope you have a real nice afternoon and lovely evening. Thank you!

Sit down, small pause.

Did you really think Mr Smi…., no Mr & Mrs Smith that I would let this momentous occasion go past, without just a few words!

Welcome to this very special day, The day my two best friends get married, John & Janet.
Today is a very special and emotional day, so emotional even the wedding cake is in tiers.

For those of you that don't know me, my name is Ian. I'm sure you'll all agree it's been a fantastic day so far, but every silver lining has a cloud and you now have to listen to me.

I have a bit of help from Mike and would like to thank him for all his hard work, he has said that if I my speech gets a bit naughty or two close to the knuckle he is going to start coughing, if he gets to 15 I work away with a million, or more likely end up in court.

This time yesterday, I was speechless, but I was at a wedding in Wales, quite a nice doo, not as posh as this mind, but the Shot gun was painted white. I'm not saying that the bride was ugly, but everyone kissed the groom, But there's no chance of that today! As Janet looks so lovely, as for John, well only a face A mother would kiss, but now a wife.
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Anyway the best man there had a book and of course I knew how much preparation that everyone would be putting into the speech's, so I felt I should make a bit of an effort. So when he wasn't looking I nicked it …exhibit A …aptly titled “The Best Man's organiser”, and as you can probably tell by now I haven't read it yet …apart from page 19 and I quote “Maintaining a clear head during wedding celebrations is vital for the Best Man. You should remain sober.” [throw book away …… drink beer] .… Well sod that !!
Sorry can you hear me at the back, good can I have a pint please.

I did have a real lovely speech prepared, but my wife, bless her, said NO, it's too long, in fact she says that a lot…It's too long……
The grass is too long Your nails are too long, your hair is too long, But I have made an effort and had my hair cut, and got all dressed up, what a shame these other three blokes couldn't pick different outfits.

In fact the last time I spoke in front of so any people dressed in a suit, the first words out of my mouth were ‘not guilty your honour’.
I now that one of the best mans duties is to dish the dirt on John, but as I have known John and Janet for the same amount of time I'm in a good position to tell you about Janet's little ways as well, Unfortunately, or fortunately for Janet This is being a family affair, and as we haven't reached the 9 o'clock watershed I can't.
I can of course tell you all about John's stag night, he went to the dogs, perhaps I should explain, he went to Romford Dogs Stadium, and being the unconventional person he is, there was 6 blokes and nine women, but I can report back that Janet had nothing to worry about., well she didn't really care as she was on her hen night,
Well John had a lovely time, and was very responsible with his betting, and came home with the shirt still on his back, I have no idea what happened to his trouser though!
He did worry me a little bit after the 12th race, as he wanted to take home, Betsies Surprise, well it would have been a surprise to Janet. Him turning up home with a dog after his stag night.
When I asked why he wanted to take the dog home he said “well she reminds me of Janet with those big brown eyes, that and the wet nose and slobbering tongue”.
But in the end John got home safe and sound, I was a concerned about the state he was in so when I dropped him off, Well not dropped him off more poured him in the house. I made a quick get away, so as to not have the wrath of Janet, but with modern technology she was able to express her feeling to me by Mobile phone!
John has asked me not Say how they met, as it might embarrass them, But I am going to tell you anyway, its not as if it was of those chance encounters, you know like he rear ended her, you know in a car accident.
Mobile Phone Rings (I got the MC to make my Mobile ring, just changing tones on a Nokia will work, as it only rings twice.)
Hell who's this, Naomi, Naomi Campbell, Sorry I am in the middle of giving a speech, it's a very funny speech, it case you lot didn't know! Yes I am Best man at John's wedding, No don't cry please, I've nearly finished speaking, ……….Oh I see well I love John too, ………..Oh I see you want John children, well that's very kind, but the baby sitting is sorted out………..Oh I see YOU want to HAVE his children!………….well he's married now, ……….What will his wife share, Well I have heard he is a big boy, I'll ask, Janet will you share.… “Janet says “no chance” …….What you will pay, oh OK, how much £500, not bad, is that per week or night, PER HOUR, wow that's as much as you charge Tim (Bride's father) ..… Ok well you must pay up front to his manager, £500 per hour, even if it only lasts 1minute and 37 seconds, ……..What you want him for tonight! Sorry it's his wedding night, can't be done, but wait I am free, I said I'm free, Naomi Naomi, are you there, Oh how rude she hug up!
Right where was I, So how did John & Janet meet, well to be honest I have no idea how they met, so my theory is that one day they both sobered up at the same time. They looked at each and said oooh not bad, red Teddy, stocking and suspenders, hairy chest. Yep all there. Now I am not sure if John has changed his dress sense or Janet has had a shave!
Now there comes a stage in a persons life when they say to themselves I've had enough of late night parties, casual sexual encounters, the heavy drinking, gambling and fast food takeaways, Now Janet decided she had enough of all this when she met John.
And I think you will all agree that the way this lovely couple are together that they had it off straight away, sorry hit it off straight away.
As young lovers do they ask those important questions, Can you cook and can you do DIY, and Thankfully John said yes to both. But then it was John's turn to ask the questions, are you rich and does your dad own a brewery, well Janet Lied.
But John was not put off one bit, and that's why we are here to day,
In fact I Asked John what attraced him to Janet and he said it was her huge (Stop to turn page Good if the bride has large breasts! Janet has!!)

Sense of humour. And boy does she need it marrying John!

I asked Janet and she said John a big willy, oh sorry John's a bit silly but ever so cute, in the red bask and suspenders.

But we all know who is the boss, I popped round to see John and Janet, just to check they were all ready for today. And as I walked through the back door, I could here Janet lecturing John on some of the things she expected from married life and was explaining that she expected Sex 5 times a week and John replied well pencil me in for three of them.

But seriously I do have some words of advice for the lovely couple.
The best way to remember you wedding anniversary is to forget it once.
Never go to bed on an argument- stay up and fight
Always remember whose boss, And never answer her back
And finally the key to a long and happy marriage is to remember those 3 magic words “You're right Dear”

John you are a lucky guy marrying Janet, she is a lovely person you've married Janet today and she is everything you've ever want to find in a wife, she smart, funny, warm, beautiful, loving, Sorry Janet what does that say I can't read your writing,.. and caring and she deserves a good husband. Well done mate and thank God you married her before she found one.
I would like to thank everyone for coming and thank John for his lovely words for the brides maids, and hope every one has a lovely day and a great night, at the party tonight. Janet has said that if anyone wants to carry on partying after the bar is shut then feel free to pop up they're room, Room number 47 (hotel only 46 rooms) the mini bar is fully stocked and in Janet own words “well there's nothing better to do “
Thank you al very much for being so nice to me, I hope you enjoy the rest of the day, and I would just like to wish my two very best friends John and Janet a very long, happy healthy and fruitful married life.
Please be up standing for the bride and groom, to stev and Janet, wishing you all the best for the future, to John and Janet.