Speech by Ian Fowler

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian Fowler
Speech Date: sep 2003
Speech

Good afternoon, ladies & Gentlemen.

Opening Line

My name is Ian and for those of you that haven't worked it out, I have been sentenced to being Simon's Best Man. I am a complete novice at public speaking and have this overwhelming urge to prove it to you today.

Firstly, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Simon for his kind words. I have to agree that they look absolutely wonderful, and have done an excellent job this morning.

I would also like to thank Jamie for being an excellent pageboy and for showing me up by looking better that me in his suit.

Right, before I continue with my speech could Wendy please place her left hand, flat on the table in front of her, Ok now Simon could you place your right hand on top of Wendy's hand.

Now Simon, take a deep breath and enjoy the moment because it's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand in your marriage.

Comments about the service

I think I speak for everyone here when I say that it has turned out to be a brilliant wedding celebration. The Church was splendid, the vicar excellent, the flowers gorgeous and the bride, well looks absolutely captivating.

Being Best Man

When Simon asked me to be best man, I naturally had many questions. What had I done to be bestowed with such an honour? Had someone else refused, had all his other friends left the country
(Yes you know who you are Mark Collins), LOOK AT MARK
But more importantly than all of those, could I myself refuse and still get an invitation to consume loads of alcohol? It was a risk I was unwilling to take.
Seriously though Simon I am honoured that you chose me to be your best man.

Describing your friendship with the groom

I first met Simon about 5 years ago now through another one of his good friends and mine Chris Foxston. Chris often invited me down to the Black Beauty pub where the usual gang of lads congregated. Within this gang was a short bleach blonde lad who had a distinctive sense of fashion and though he was a bit of a ladies man. Yes you know who I'm talking about. “Simon”. LOOK AT SIMON

Well over the next couple of years I started to accept the way he was and we started to get to know each other and I think it is safe to say that we are now best of friends.

Relating special dates

Simon was born on 20th May 1977, the same year that Elvis died aged 42, Red rum wins the Grand National for the third time and George Lucas break all box office records with his brilliant film “Star Wars”. Which to date has grossed over $460 million dollars, so about the same price as this wedding then Simon.

Stag Party

Simon's stag night was a great night, I think. I am reluctant to share too much detail about the evening, but cheers lads for a great time. Oh that reminds me Simon – you still owe me fifty quid for those last two dances you had.

Lines leading into groom's character assassination

Before I start the customary character assassination of the groom, I think I should once again say how absolutely gorgeous Wendy looks today. Simon, I think you've done extremely well for yourself. In Wendy you have found a beautiful, clever, charming, funny, loving and caring women. And Wendy, well you've got… Simon.

One Liners about the groom and his potted history

Now I think Simon sees marriage as being very similar to his beloved football – he's totally committed, and wants to score every Saturday, change ends at half time and play away half the year. The trouble is, Wendy is predicting that he's going to suffer from a serious groin injury if he does.
Anecdotes, stories, reminisces about the groom's past

It is of course tradition for the best man to let the bride's parents know what sort of a man has married their daughter.

Now I have only known Simon for about 5 years although it does feel longer. I had wondered whether he selected me to be best man to take advantage of the fact that I didn't have any ammunition on him. Well unfortunately for you Simon I do.

Having seen the photo's Simon I must say that you looked a cute tubby babe, with your long natural blonde hair and that big grin on your face. Not much has changed over the years really apart from the natural blonde hair.

Now Simon always enjoyed his trips to the seaside. One year when he was around 5 the family were having a great holiday down in Newquay. Well on one particular family day out Simon decided that he needed to go to the toilet. So Of they go to the public convenience. Now usually they have smaller urinal bowls for the kids. Unfortunately this one did not. Undeterred by this Simon dropped his trousers, looked up to the taller bowl and then started to yank his you know what to try and make it reach. Safe to say the floor got soaked.

I have managed through reliable sources to obtain one of Simon's old school reports. It reads.… Simon is an ideal pupil who excels in most subjects…
Sorry, the handwriting is not very good let me read that again, Simon is an idle pupil who should be expelled from most subjects.

One year the young Simon was racing at the Appleby Frodingham Gala. After the races had finished his parents attended one of the buffet that was laid on. Now Simon had never seen a buffet before and so was a little nervy on what to do, so he watched for a while to see what everyone did. After a short time he finally had the courage to go up and collect his paper plate. He moved along the table of food, picking up peanuts and crisps. Now when he got to the end of the table there were strawberries and crème in there individual bowls. Simon looked at these for a moment then began to pick the biggest and best strawberries from these bowls and placed them on his plate. He then walked off with a big grin on his face thinking he had done well.

We all know Simon is a keen DJ and enjoys his dance music. This is however a long way from his first music love “Michael Jackson”. He loved Michael Jackson, so much so that after returning home from junior school one day he asked his mum if she could make him a Michael Jackson costume for him to wear at the end of term party. His mum happily agreed and off he went wearing his beloved Michael Jackson costume. Now supposedly he ended up on stage performing the moonwalk and all the girls loved it. So come on Simon I think everybody would like to see if you've still got what it takes to moonwalk.

Simon always enjoyed playing in the garden when he was younger. On one particular day as Simon was smashing is match box cars up with his dads hammer he spotted a poor little blackbird struggling to fly as it had a broken leg. Simon being Simon looked at it for a moment then decided to volley it with his left foot straight into the hedge just like his hero Iain Rush.

I tried to get in touch with some of Simon's ex girlfriends to see if they had any stories they would like to tell about Simon, However since the out break of foot and mouth, most have been quarantined or shot.

Comments about the bride & groom's romance

The romance began, when Simon first set eye's on Wendy in the usually haunting place for young free men the fabulous Henry's. Simon having had a few to many shandies obviously fancied his chances and walked over to this very attractive blonde and asked if she was seeing anyone. Wendy replied with “well actually I am” and that was that. However a couple of weeks later, again having had a few too many Simon spotted Wendy through the Smokey hazy and though he would try his look again. This time she accepted and the rest as we say is history.

Simon proposed to Wendy in the usual flashy way that he does things by hiring a limo to pick them up to take them to a romantic Chinese meal only five minutes down the road.

Tributes to the Bride and Groom

We all knew that Simon and Wendy had something special, and that this day was only a matter of time in coming. So to both of you, from me, you make a wonderful couple and I know you're going to be very happy together. Wendy, if there was ever going to be one person to bring Simon in line, I'm glad it was you. We've had some good times as single lads, but I don't think Simon has ever been happier than when he's been with you. Simon, again well done mate, you have a wonderful wife, which is no more than you deserve. Now just get that car swapped for a nice family saloon.

Best man's thoughts on marriage

Traditionally, this is the time when I give advice on wedded life, but as I am not married myself it seems a bit odd that I should be giving them advice on marriage. Instead I would like to read a poem that my help to answer that age old mystery of the difference between men and women, it called Moods:

Moods of a woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house,
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, but most of all, she'll love you like mad.

Moods of a Man

Horny.
Hungry

There is one piece of advice that I would like to give to you though Simon and that is the secret to ensuring that you always remember this date as your special anniversary… forget it just once.

Comments about the honeymoon

Now I'm suppose to comment about the honeymoon, however it is typical of Simon and Wendy they couldn't wait until after the wedding to go so instead they went before. At least they will have a nice tan on the wedding photos. You'll easily spot the Best man; I'm the white guy at the end.

Seriously though I do hope you had a great time and from looking at your tan's it looks like you did.

Witty Telegrams

Just before I bring this speech to an end I do have a few cards that I would like to share with you.

From the lads at football a message of goodwill to you both:

“We've found Simon to be useless in every position. Hope Wendy has more luck. Congratulations!”

To Simon

“Don't go forgetting us just because you're married. Best of luck from all the girls at the Paradise Sauna and Massage, Cannock, Birmingham.

Finally To Simon

“My Dearest Simon, I miss your strong arms, your tender loving ways, the way you whisper in my ear, I realise I'm a loser in love but I will never forget those wonderful evenings together by the pool, love forever, Michael Barrymore.
Closing speech

On a more sincere note, I'd like to express my heartfelt congratulations to you both and to thank you for honouring me with the role of best man. Simon you are one of the most generous, kindest and thoughtful friends that I have. I am very grateful for you friendship, Simon, and you deserve some luck and I think you found it today marring Wendy. She is beautiful, kind and caring and I think she has made a wonderful choice for here husband.

So finally, on behalf of everyone here, I can truly say you are wished nothing but the best for the future. You are a unique and perfectly matched couple and we hope that all your dreams come true and you have a magical life together.

Ladies and Gentlemen, would you please be upstanding and join me in a toast

“To the bride and groom!”