Speech by Ian Hayes

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian Hayes
Speech Date: May 2001

BEST MAN SPEECH

Good evening Ladies and Gentleman, and for those of you who don't know me, my name is Ian.
My speech is just like me – Short and sweet, but later on I will be willing to reveal stories about Darren in exchange for lots of alcohol.

However, I would like to start on behalf of the bridesmaid, Claire, by thanking Darren for his kind words, and I am sure you will all agree that she looks wonderful today, as always, and the bride (Louise) looks stunning, as always, and for a change Darren has scrubbed up quite nicely, although I am not too pleased about him copying my outfit today.

On behalf of the bride and groom I would also like to thank 2 people who have been absolutely superb today, and would like to give them a little present as a thank you for their efforts – Christopher and Freddie (page boys). (GIVE PRESENTS) Also on behalf of the bride and groom I would like to thank you all for coming to what has been a fantastic day so far and I am looking forward to partying on tonight.

Sadly their were a few people who were unable to make it today, apparently one couple had to mow the lawn and another decided to stay in and watch television, however they have sent in their cards which I will read now, so please bear with me.… (READ CARDS)

I would like to thank Darren for asking me to be his best man. It is truly a great honour to be standing here although seeing that I am his only friend, I would have been slightly disappointed had he not asked me.

Unfortunately I have known Darren for nearly 20 years, and surprisingly enough we met through football, in fact my first memory of Darren is seeing him get punched in the face at a training session, it wasn't me, but I must have felt sorry for him and since then we have been best of mates and were pretty much inseparable as youngsters.
His life then revolved around football and was fairly straightforward (I'd say fairly boring) until he discovered alcohol. It was at this point I turned from being his best friend to being his mother. I suddenly found myself constantly looking after him, whether it be saving him from bushes attacking him as he walked home from the pub, patting his back and wiping his nose and he said hello to the big white telephone (if you know what I mean), or just helping him walk, I was there for him.

And when he decided to drink vast quantities of whisky, lock himself in a toilet cubicle and refuse to talk to anyone, I risked life and limb to save him, I managed to climb over the top and drag him out – but the silly thing was he decided to do all this at his future parent in laws 25th wedding anniversary party. Not a good idea Daz. So Anne & Ted (Brides parents) I hold my hand up to you two for still allowing him to marry your daughter, you have obviously seen a side of him that I am still waiting to see.

But to be fair to Daz, it was not always me saving him, on one occasion he saved both our lives. After a week away in Norfolk I was driving back down the motorway with co-pilot and navigator Daz by my side. Everything was fine until we were attacked by a huge fly. It was a strange looking thing and according to Darren very scary, so, in fear of our lives Darren went to battle with the monster whilst I concentrated on the road ahead, and eventually he managed to get rid of the intruder, but as I looked in the mirror I saw that Darren had swatted the fly out of the window with my brand new road map still attached to its arse! Darren assures me that had it not been for his bravery we both would have been doomed – so Thanks Daz, as you saved my life I won't be charging you for the map.

I am not quite married yet, so am not best placed to be giving marital advice but what I will say is be a good lad Daz and avoid arguments coz if you win you are in dead trouble. Learn to apologise, this is the best way of having the last word.

I honestly believe that Darren and Louise were made for each other, and would personally like to wish them a very long and happy marriage and I am sure you would all like to join me so if you would all please stand up and raise your glasses, I would like to propose a toast to the bride and groom..…

MR & MRS WALMSLEY

great relief at this point!!!