Speech by Ian John and Anthony

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian John and Anthony
Speech Date: sep 2004
Speech for the wedding of Anthony to Melanie

START
Thank you all for coming and for such a warm welcome…..the last time Ready had a clap like that it took a weeks course of antibiotics to calm it down! But we'll talk about Amsterdam later. We always knew that it would be difficult to follow a speech by Ron and we were right; I couldn't follow a bloody word of it. Both Ian and myself were pleased to hear that Ron had taken our advice and decided to schedule the wedding at 4 O'clock in the afternoon. We both figured that hopefully by this stage you would all have had a fair amount to drink and might even laugh at some of the jokes.
I'm sure you'll all agree that so far it's been a fantastic day and I hope you're all enjoying yourselves as much as we are right now (look nervous at each other). It is tradition for the best men to pay compliments to the bride, something that in Mel's case takes absolutely no effort. Mel has put a lot of hard work and effort in assuring that today has gone as smoothly as it has and I'm sure you'll all agree that she looks absolutely gorgeous. Ron indeed is a lucky man and I'm sure that this is the start of a long and lasting union together. I would also like to pay tribute to the bridesmaids who look equally as stunning and who have given Mel the support on what is traditionally viewed as a fairly nervous day.
Although you all know the groom as Anthony, it's not unfair to say that Mr Fletcher has acquired a number of nicknames over the course of time. Christened Anthony, he has learned to answer to the names of Tony, Norman and Ant. At school his imaginative nickname was “Fletch”. However, for many years, he has been known to close friends as Ron. The reason for this name is Anthony's habitual visits to the restaurant that we know as McDonalds. Although he has been nick-named after Ronald Macdonald, I can confirm that our Ron has never had red hair and has certainly never been involved in short films with groups of young children.
As we've all made the effort to be here today, it seems only fair that John and I take this opportunity to clarify what you do and don't know about our mate Ron. An enigma at school, Ron was never going to be Mrs Mason's favourite French student. However, he did excel at a game called “pill”, a playground game that is similar to squash. Also, he was a dedicated air force cadet, although this did cause some concern when we learned of the dubious games that cadets play after the lights go out. Despite this, Anthony survived unscathed, and went on to not only win an award at school, but he also designed and made the main trophy, which is still used today.
As we got older, the three of us became inseparable, joined together with a bond too strong to break….and after that we never did sniff glue again! We shared so many first experiences together….our first cigarettes, our first illegal alcoholic drink, our first legal alcoholic drink, our first cars, our first girlfriends, and of course Ron's cross dressing phase. It was at Darren Jackson's house party that our suspicions arose. The sight of Ron mincing down the middle of the road dressed in nothing but a lacy negligee gave us genuine cause for concern. That's nearly 10 years ago, frightening really, even more frightening is the fact that he still has the same hair style.
When we left school Ron and I went in slightly different directions as far as careers were concerned. I ventured into further education whereas Ron became an apprentice electrician. During my time at college and university Ron was a constant source of help to me. Whilst I struggled to understand the concepts of economics, Ron devoted a great deal of time and effort explaining to me in very great detail one critical point: Apprentice electricians pay income tax, and students do not! Each time we met. For five years. On the basis that we probably saw each other twice a week, that's 520 times that we had the conversation.
At work, Anthony has worked hard and has been with his current employer for 10 years. Regularly working away from home, Anthony hardly ever complains about the long hours that he often works. Many parts of the UK have benefited from his technical expertise, I can confirm that Anthony was not responsible for the huge warehouse blaze at Boots in 1996.We asked his workmates for a few of their thoughts and they commented that working with Anthony was very similar to working with god: He's hardly ever seen and any work that he does is a bloody miracle!
Like many young men, Ron's interest in women and things sexual began at an early age if not with some level of naivety. Indeed for many years Ron genuinely believed that the clitoris was a group of islands of the coast of South East Asia (laughter and turn to Mel) and looking by the expression on Mel's face he still does. It was with this in mind that in the summer of 1994 with the world cup in full swing we headed to Lanzarote on a boys holiday. Rons aim was simple…..to find a woman and lose his virginity. Two weeks later we returned…..all that Ron had lost was his dignity and a large quantity of pubic hair. I won't go into the full story but I'm sure that Ron will fill you in at a later date. All I will say is that it involved a Welsh fireman, a blond Nurse, a razor, a very captive audience, one pissed Sparky and a jar of pickled eggs. I'm also reliably informed that that the DVD is still widely available at most specialist stockists.
A man of achievement, Anthony has succeeded where many men have failed. This is the man who can drink a pint of Guinness in eight seconds. If you're very lucky, perhaps we might see an example of this drinking prowess tonight. This is the man who has the ability to sleep on the edge of the stage at Rock City. Although this may seem unremarkable, you need to bear in mind that at the time there were a thousand partygoers and 130 decibels of rock music surrounding him. I think you will agree that his short nap was indeed an incredible feat. As an alcohol sponge, Ron is a legend. I remember on one New Years Eve, he was the first person I'd ever seen to drink eight pints, take a short, almost unnoticeable pause to vomit, and then carry on drinking for the rest of the evening as though nothing had happened. Indeed, it's true to say that in those early years Ron's idea of a balanced diet was holding a kebab in 1 hand and a can of carling in the other.
The stag weekend was 2 weeks ago. Amsterdam was the venue and I think it's fair to say that a fine weekend was had by all. Although the law of the stag night dictates that I can't go into details there are one or two points that we can discuss. One of the emerging traditions of the stag weekend is that the groom must wear surprise fancy dress on the middle day of the weekend. Although Amsterdam is not a city that is easily shocked, two weeks ago to this day, even the most seasoned visitors to Amsterdam were somewhat surprised. Even the locals were taken aback, by the site of Anthony striding through the Dutch capital dressed as Elvis Presley, the king of rock and roll. Dressed in a flared white jump suit with pork chop side burns and sunglasses, it was almost as though the king had never died. Unfortunately, due to a small error with the size of the fancy dress outfit, Elvis Fletcher was literally bursting at the seams, especially around the crotch area. Despite this small hitch, Anthony was so convincing, a passing fan asked to have their photo taken with him. If you'd like to open the envelopes on the table in front of you then you can take a look at the King in his full glory captured on camera. For those of you who would like souvenir shots then we will be selling both A4 and poster size pictures following the speech with all major credit cards accepted. As a souvenir for Anthony, I'd like to present this small gift, which shows an uncanny likeness to the way he looked that day. [Ian passes “Wackel Elvis” to Ron]
On a serious note we'd both like to say how proud we are to be best men, and that we wish Anthony and Mel many years of happiness together. Ron really is one of the most genuine and loyal people you'll ever meet and we're both proud to be able to call him our mate. His friendship has been a source of strength to us both throughout the years and I'd just like to say that it has been both an honour and a privilege to stand beside you today. All in all we'd just like to thank him for finally admitting in public that we are the best men!
Our last task is to propose a toast – ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding and raise your glasses…
The bride and groom.

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