Speech by Ian John and Anthony

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian John and Anthony
Speech Date: sep 2004
Speech for the wedding of Ian to Joanne

Thank you all for coming and for such a warm welcome. Today is a day which many of us (especially the bride) thought may never happen. But more about Ian's parting with money problem later. My name is John and this is Ron and we've been hired by Ian to bore you senseless for the next five minutes with useless jokes and unfunny stories about his past. We also do birthdays, christenings and Barmitzvas so feel free to pick up one of our cards at the end of the act. When we sat down to write this speech we found it very difficult because Ian gave us certain guidelines that we had to follow in order to assure that we would not offend you the audience or any young children present. With that in mind we thought that we'd kick off by getting the knob jokes out of the way first…..Ron, what did one door knob in therapy say to the other door knob ….I don't know John what did one door knob say to the other door knob in therapy…..I can't handle this (boom,boom!!!) What, What?

Now before any stories of Ian's shady past and present myself and John would ask that the audience to please participate in this speech by laughing at what would even remotely seem to be a punchline, even if you do not think it is funny. Just in case this fails we have bought along an applause and Laughter card with us to help you spot the funnies. Therefore if you fail to laugh at any of the jokes of your own accord at any time, you will then be prompted and may be asked to leave the room if you fail to comply.

It is tradition for the best men to pay compliments to the bride, something that in Jo's case takes absolutely no effort. Jo has put a lot of hard work and effort in assuring that today has gone as smoothly as it has and I'm sure you'll all agree that she looks absolutely gorgeous. Ian is indeed a lucky man and I'm sure that this is the start of a long and lasting union together. I would also like to pay tribute to the bridesmaids who look equally as stunning and who have given Jo great support and guidance on this special day.

We all attended the Henry Mellish Comprehensive School at which Ian was bestowed the honour of Head Boy.… and he's been leading the three of us into trouble ever since. He quickly gained the nickname of speedy Ready.… not borne out of his ability to consume large quantities of class A Narcotics but more as a result of his ability on the running track where he specialised in the 100m sprint. As you can now see, years of alcohol abuse and constant late night kebabs has meant that his chance at Olympic gold has now gone although he can still make the pub door in under ten seconds when it comes to having to pay for a round of drinks.

Whist the three of us were in our teens we experimented in the usual ways: Friday nights down the local off licence with cheap cider and lager. We soon moved on from this and after a period of time The Irish nightclub in Nottingham became our regular haunt. Ian was well known within the Irish; not for his ability with the women or drinking prowess as you may think, but more to do with the fact that he was a regular feature in the gents toilets and could often be found bending over a urinal whilst parting with copious amounts of fosters and making a noise synonomous of praying to the porcelain god. Indeed, many felt that he was actually employed by management to make individuals realise that no matter how ill or drunk that they felt there was always someone who was worse off than them.

I first met Ian at the beginning of secondary school and I immediately decided that I would try to make friends with Ian and he seemed to be Top of everthing at school and I assumed that Ian would be good to sit next to in class to copy all of his grade A work. Ian is a keen footballer and general all round sportsman and when he left university he eventually settled for a career as a trainee accountant. An image many people have of accountants is of individuals who are generally very boring and careful with their money. Let me take this opportunity to assure you that Ian is far from boring and rather than being careful with his money he is just plain bloody tight.

The stag weekend took place three weeks ago and a group of 13 well behaved young men boarded a plane at Heathrow and headed for Madrid. With it's beautiful architecture, museums, churches and history it was bound to be the perfect venue for a group of sophisticated guys like ourselves. Unfortunately we never saw any of that and in time honoured tradition spent the entire weekend propping up the bar in Sweets nightclub and getting ridiculously drunk. We also performed the customary act of dressing Ian up in costume as the sugar plum fairy. Adorned in tutu, tights, wand and white wig Ian minced through the streets of Madrid like a true professional. The frightening thing was that he actually seemed to be enjoying his time dressed in female attire a bit too much and when he suggested to myself and John that we accessorised further with Bra, thong and suspender belt we both knew that it was time to bring this one man Rocky horror show to an end. Ladies and gentlemen you may be wondering what the envelope in front of you is for. If you'd now like to open the envelopes on the tables you can gain a glimpse of Ian in his natural state. However, I would warn anyone of a nervous disposition to not look.

Last year myself and Ian headed for a night out in sunny Wales and made the journey down to Cardiff. We booked into a B&B in Newport, got the train west and began on a serious session of drinking that was to end with Ian having a brush with the celebrity world….or not as the case may be. As we entered the nightclub the room was spinning for both of us as we struggled to battle with gravity and remain upright. Ian headed straight to the toilet (as usual) and I never saw him again until 6 o'clock next day when I awoke on the landing of the hotel to find Ian standing above me with cuts and bruises on his face and claims that he'd been beaten up by Craig David's bouncers. The cold light of day revealed the humorous truth. Craig David had indeed been playing on the club sound system when Ian had drunkenly staggered through the staff entrance of the club, having mistaken it for the toilet door, and wandered into the shopping centre in which the nightclub was based. After walking through various storerooms and negotiating a number of escalators he was eventually spotted on CCTV by the security staff who decided to eject him face first through the nearest exit for fear that he was about to ram raid Mothercare with a shopping trolley. Can I just also say that Craig David has always denied any involvement in the incident and his lawyers are still considering legal action for Ian's slanderous claims.

We first met Jo a number of years ago in the Cricketers pub in Kimberly. Back then Jo was a massive Bon Jovi fan and with her denim jeans and leather jacket looked like the ultimate rock chick. Nowadays of course she is a successful teacher and has a beautiful home with Ian which they have both spent a lot of time and effort putting their mark on. And as for the leather image…..Ian assures us that this is now strictly only used within the bedroom when Ian has been a naughty boy and has to stay behind to be disciplined by teacher.

On a serious note we'd both like to say how proud we are to be best men, and that we wish Ian and Jo many years of happiness together. Ian really is one of the most genuine and loyal people you'll ever meet and we're both proud to be able to call him our mate. His friendship has been a source of strength to us both throughout the years and we'd just like to say that it has been both an honour and a privilege to stand beside you today. He's supported us both through some really hard times; me when I was confused with my sexuality and Ron with his outbreak of herpes, but each time he's always been there to laugh at our expense. Although he may now support a relegated Nationwide 1st division football side, it's true to say that in Jo he really has discovered a premiership wife.
Our last task is to propose a toast – ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding…
The bride and groom.

END