Speech by Ian Johnson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian Johnson
Speech Date: oct 2004
First of all, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I would like to thank Ian for his kind words, and I have to say, how lovely they all look today. I would also like to thank the Ushers and Bridesmaids, Vicar, and the staff here at the JJB Stadium for helping the day go so well.

Before I go on I have a few cards to read:

As well as reading out the cards there are a few other duties I have to carry out as Best Man. So far it has been my responsibility to get Ian to the church on time, looking smart and sober – one of these was a particular challenge – I will leave you all to guess which one.

And now for my final duty of the day – the speech – the bit I have been looking forward to for ages!!

For those of you who don't me I am a friend of Ian's and we have been friends since primary school. And that the reason I am here today is because of a schoolboy agreement we made 20 odd years ago that when we get married we will be each other's best man. We didn't know about the speeches then!!

And as one very wise man once said “being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles – it is a great honour but no-one wants to do it”.

Since Ian asked me to best man, I have surfed the net for material and I have found loads of cracking stuff, but unfortunately nothing for a best man's speech.

Anyway, on to Ian, like I said I have known him since primary school, and we became friends through our common love of football. And in the first few years it was amusing that Ian supported a different football team each season, Liverpool, Forest, Villa, basically whoever was winning at the time!! Then one year Everton won something, so you know I am going back a few years, and for some reason he has stuck with them ever since.

Believe it or not Ian was quite sporty at school – We played a lot of football in them days, for the school, the district, and Ian even played at County level. Then, as we started secondary school we developed an interest in golf, and later Ian took it seriously enough to join Haydock Golf Club as a junior member and there he won many junior competitions (he was 25 at the time with a 36 handicap which helped!!). But fair play to Ian he worked hard at the golf and got his handicap down to 9 point something. Unless of course we were playing for money when it shot straight back up.

Towards the end of school we moved into the next stage of our lives – the sport took a back seat as we discovered alcohol.

Now there are loads of stories I could tell about us getting drunk and the things we got up to, but the problem is that there are that many, that if I told them all I would still be here at kick off at the Wigan vs West Ham game here next week, so I better not.

Therefore, instead I shall just give out a few story titles and if you want to hear the stories I will be in the bar later. I suggest a good way of spotting if the story is a good one is to watch to see how much Ian cringes at these titles.

The story titles are:

Heading the Lamppost,
Torn Trousers at the Golf Course,
The Balcony climber with an audience,
How to wake a Greek hotel owner up with a mint imperial from 2 floors above,
The Floor cleaner Cocktail,
Some raw eggs and a Marigold,
The half bottle of whiskey, also known as Hugging the Hedge
Throwing up in Wolves – also known as the wet bed,
Throwing up in Bradford Part I – Also Known as Special Brew for Breakfast
Throwing up in Bradford Part II – Also Known as decorating The Irish Club,
Throwing up in Manchester – Also known as don't swallow pizza in whole slices (You may have spotted a common theme in some of these titles!!),
and finally, King of the Hinge.

Some interesting titles – but not a patch on the stories themselves. I look forward to seeing you in the bar later!!

Luckily for Ian, and in particular for his liver, a few years ago he had the good fortune to meet Tracey. I remember when he used to talk about this girl he had met through work. He would go on about how well they got on, and when we had serious bloke talk, usually in the car on the way to football, he would tell me, in total confidence of course, that he thought Tracey was amazing and that he thought the world of her. Fortunately Tracey must have quite liked Ian too. I suppose that will be the last time he ever tells me a secret!!

On the professional front Ian is now established as an Accountant. But this wasn't his first job; he did try his hand at a few other careers. First he was a milkman – I am sure the only reason he did this was so that he didn't have to pedal a bike on a paper round like the rest of us – he used to just drive the float round all morning. Then Ian went on to be an apprentice mechanic, which he stuck at until he learned how to hot wire cars – I have never asked if he ever used this talent. And finally, Ian had a go at being a salesman at Plumbs and all I can say about that is it must have been bad as it drove him into accountancy.

Mind you, there have always been signs that this would be his career, from selling chocolate biscuits at school for a healthy profit, to always buying the last round in the pub, Ian has always been careful with money. So if Ian does do your books you know they are in good hands.

In closing I would like to wish the new Mr & Mrs Leyland, Ian and Tracey, the very best of luck and every possible happiness in their life together and would further like to propose a toast, so please stand and join me,

to the bride and Groom.