Speech by Ian Jolliff

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian Jolliff
Speech Date: aug 2001
Intro

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, are you all enjoying yourselves???

Wait for response

Well I'll soon change that.

As you can see I'm the Best Man and for those of you who don't already know me my name is Ian ‘What are you drinking’. Please don't be afraid at any time today to come up and say hello but I must insist that if you do you call me by my full name.

Thankfully you will be pleased to know that I'm only going to talk for a couple of minutes in order to save my throat, if I'm any longer than that Sharon has threatened to cut it.

Thank the Groom & Bridesmaids

First of all on behalf of the Bridesmaids Richelle & Kerry and lets not forget Josh who I think we can all agree has done a great job of looking after his mum today, I would like to thank Lee for his kind words.

How I became Best Man

It was an honour when Lee asked me to be his best man as anybody in that situation would tell you. However it was only after several minutes did it suddenly dawn on me, “What had I done to upset you”.

To be a good best man takes careful planning and that is why I consulted the essential book “The Best Mans Checklist”. What an amazing insight into my expected duties, apparently I'm supposed to:

1: To bring a chequebook or credit card to cover any payments that the groom may have forgotten………What Lee doesn't know is that I've actually got his chequebook for those unforeseen payments.

2: To help the groom dress……..If at 31 yrs old Lee can't master that then what chance do I have.

3: To ensure the groom:

· Uses the toilet…….nope.

· His shoes are tied…….I did contemplate getting him slip on shoes to cover this eventuality but he insisted he could manage.

· His face & hair are in order………a very tall order indeed and one which as you can see I obviously failed upon.

· He has nothing between his teeth…….nor for those of you that know him, nothing between his ears either.

· That his trouser fly is done up……..best leave that for Sharon to ensure.

4: In case of emergencies bring a toiletries bag with me containing:

· Aspirin, Indigestion Tablets, Deodorant, Toothpaste, A big black marker pen (any ideas why I should need that then please let me know), and my personal favourite: Valium. Well its certainly my personal favourite after this morning.

5: Make a speech to the Bride & Groom

· Now I presumed this meant a speech to JUST the bride and groom, highlighting their commitments and duties to each other. Little did I know that you lot were going to be here listening…..still duty bound I press on.

Personally I think my duties today as best man have been successful, after all I got Lee here on time (unusual), sober (a feat in itself) and I'm sure you'd agree not looking too bad.

History

Lee and Sharon have chosen a day to marry that historically may be very significant. On this day in 1976 the Worst Earthquake in Modern Times was recorded in China. A massive 8.2 on the Richter scale, I'm sure that I speak for us all in hoping that this isn't repeated tonight during the consummation of the marriage.

As well as this there's been an interesting selection of songs that were chart toppers on this very day (I will leave you to draw your own conclusions):

Hard Headed Woman by Elvis

Hanky Panky by Tommy James & The Shondells

You Don't Have To Say You Love Me by Dusty Springfield

And probably the most apt of them all:

My True Love by Jack Scott

Words of Advice

Well unbeknown to you all I have already congratulated the groom. I said to him, “Lee, you will always look back on today as the happiest day of your life.” Unfortunately, I said that to him yesterday. I do have some advice though that I feel both of them could take heed from:

Sharon, remember this…..men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you would like to have dinner with. That said though Lee, women are also like a fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, which inevitably gives you a headache.

My final pearl of wisdom isn't really advice but more of a feeling with which I will need some participation from both Lee & Sharon.

Sharon, if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table…….Okay Lee, if you would like to place your hand directly on top of Sharon's……..Are you enjoying that Lee??? Make the most of it mate, that is the last time that you'll have the upper hand.

And Now To The Cards

Don't worry about any money, cheques or vouchers falling from the cards…..all that disappeared some time ago.

Toast

I would just like to thank each and every one of you for coming today, especially those who have travelled long distances. I'm sure you would all agree it has been a special day and one that I'm sure Lee and Sharon will look back on with many fond memories. Personally I'd just like to add my own final thought:

To the lamp of love – may it burn brightest in the darkest hours and never flicker in the winds of trial

With that I invite you all to stand, raise your glasses and join me in a toast: TO LEE AND SHARON