Speech by Ian McKenna

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian McKenna
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen – for those who don't know me –
My name's Ian, McKenna to some – and I'm Pauline and Stans Best Man .

It's been said that being asked to Bestman is like making love to the Queen Mum –
It's a great honour but would anyone realy wan to do it ?
Luckly enough they found me – they must have known I had a fettish for Old Royalty
Still I agreed to be Stan and Pauine's best man and I'm sure you'll agree that my first duty, that of getting Stan to Croxteth Hall, sober, on time and eventually married was a complete success.

I'd like to thank Stan for his kinds words and I'd like to also start by thanking everyone on behalf of the Stan and Pauline for sharing their wedding day particularly for those who have traveled far to come here. Personally I wish you'd all stopped at home, it would have made my job a lot easier.
I would also like thank the Brides Maids, Megan and Clio didn't they do great ? and a special thank you to the Chief Bridesmaid Jenny for looking after them, I'm sure you'll all agree, they all look lovely.

Before I start I have a few cards to read

Read cards

INSERT

Sorry I couldn't be there. If possible could you please send a picture of the Bride and Groom mounted? Lots of Love .…

And so, as is customary on these occasions, I now get the chance to embarrass Stan with a trip down memory lane.

When I started writing this speech – I wrote down everything I could think off that we've done over the 23 years we've been mates !
Some of would have got Stan strung up, and some of it would have had me strung up by my Mum – So this is what's left.

I have known this guy since we were kids like I said 23 years – makes you feel old dunnit? – Some of you may not know that Stan & I were born on the same day –
May 11th 1966
He's about 12 hours older than me and about 8 inches taller – so by my calculations! I should be about 5`10 around Half one tonight.

I got to know Stan in school around 78-79; He was an exceptionally gifted student at school. He excelled in most everything he did be it Maths, English, Technical drawing, Physics, Fighting , Shoplifting . – More on latter two subjects in a minute.

I remember bumping into Stan in WH Smiths in Church Street, he was reading a Melody Maker or NME – I was flicking through the Smash Hits – when all of a sudden the Music paper he was reading vanished into his big sheep skin coat – do you remember that coat? – I thought to myself “ this guys cool – he needs no money! “
We became good mates and realized we liked the same kind of music and thought we could do that – sounds easy enough, so we did. We bought few synthesizers, a drum machine and terrorized our parents with what can only be called NOISE – we were either in my Mums house or in his attack hammering out a few tunes with an ear for Gary Numan , Depeche Mode and The Human League.
As we got better,we enlisted a bass player. We, the band were CRAP to say the least ! I still can't remember what we called ourselves ? probably “Stanny and Gonads” ?
Stan grew weary of the band tried his luck in a few other bands and eventually went solo and made a few cover versions a some famous songs –
It's taken me months to find this – show cassette tape – it's a copy of Stan singing a version of “in the air tonight” by Phil Collins – I was going get a big blaster on the front here and let you hear it, but I wouldn't wanna embaras my old mate Stan would I ? Actually I think we'll play it later on at the reception as a slowy ! Should be a good laugh.

We started clubbing in the early 80’s at Rotters in the St John's Precinct – does anyone remember that Club? – No? We must be older than we thought ? Me and Stan strutting our stuff in these terrible £50 suites from my Mums catalogue of all places – Stans was a tasteful Burgundy, Purple colour, mine was grey – with out big flicks, Sleeves roles up, tee shirt – we must have looked like a Netto verion of Miami Vice – needless to say we thought we looked great –

But it was another nightclub some years later – “The Hippodrome” on Lime Street – that's where Stan & Pauline first met in case any of you didn't know– well actually it was just outside the Club, down near the Crown pub on the corner when we heard “are any of you lot going near Dovecot?” The voice came from Pauline, looking a bit bevvied to say the least who Stan almost immediately took advantage off and threw his lips upon – 14 years / 2 engagements later we're all here celebrating their marriage.
Ladies and Gentlemen I think 14 years together deserves a round of aplause…

I remember another time at the Hippodrome when Stan got thrown out for fighting – I always remember this time, I can't remember how and why the fight broke out but the bouncers grabbed Stan and chucked him out where the fight continued – I was still inside probably at the bar or hiding, anyway needless to say Stan was arrested and thrown in jail for the night – what happen next is still a sore point with me – we usually shared the taxi home, I had about £2 so I had to walk about 5 miles, bevvied – plus it was in the middle of Winter. Whilst he was snug, warm and sleeping off a hangover in Jail! I was walking 6 miles home Freezing my – well you get the gist always remember that.

When we we're about 18 – we we're skint – both on the dole – Pauline I think still doesn't believe us to this day but we used to go to the Gardeners arms G.A's – with a quid each to buy 2 halves of lager each – we were screwed one time when they put half a lager up in price to about 65p! and we could only buy one each.
You'd be surprised how long you can make ½ a lager last I can tell you – about 4 hours – sad eh!

Tomorrow Morning in the Hotel, after a long day of drinking, socialising and the whole stress of getting Married plus a restless night ! – I recon Stan will order Room service for both Pauline and himself – He'll order the works, Bacon, Fried eggs, Mushrooms, Sausage, Fried Bread the lot – for Pauline , he'l order something light like Carrots, Lettuce – that kind of stuff, and when room service knock, there bound to ask “is your new wife a vegaterian “? – I know Stan will reply – “No I'm just seeing if eats like a Rabbit also!”

Anyway that's enough of my waffling – Could you all please join me in a toast to the Bride & Groom.

One day Alison and myself may get married – But when and if we do I hope Stan will do me the Honor and be my Best Man. –
Well I have to get my own back don't I? ………..you can even borrow this speech Stan!

By the way, did you know Ladies and Gentlemen that a Citrine is actually a precious yellow stone? – Well we all know Stan found himself a little Gem in Pauline.

Anyway w I've just got a few last things to say.…
Stan you've been an excellent friend over the years to both me and my Family and it's been and a great honor being your best man. TERRIFYING but a great honor. If fact that wasn't the 1st time today I've got off a warn seat with a piece of paper in my hand.
Anyway I wish you and Pauline all the very best for the future and may your Marriage be long, fruitful and a happy one.

If everyone could now stand join me in a toast and raise your glasses to Mr. and Mrs. Stan and Pauline Citrine.

Congratulations!!!