Speech by Ian Meaden

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian Meaden
Speech Date: sep2002
The Marriage of Ian & Delia Abel

Firstly ladies & gentleman for those of you who don't know me my first name is Ian but my full name is ‘Ian would you like a drink’, so those of you who bump into me at the bar later could you please use my full name.

In preparing this speech Delia has personally told me, that it should last no longer than it takes for the groom to make love. (Pause) so on that note. Thank you very much for listening and goodnight.

I'm sorry I couldn't resist.

A wise man once told me that being asked to be Best man is like making love to the Queen, it would be a great honour but nobody really wants to do it.

You know I had a feeling it was going to be difficult to follow a speech by Ian and I was quite right I couldn't follow a bloody word of it. So on behalf of the bridesmaids, Victoria & Amy and not forgetting young Richard the Pageboy I'd like to thank Ian for whatever he said. They all look great and did a fantastic job can we please have a round of applause.

We are here today to celebrate a love match pure & simple, Delia is Pure and Ian is eerrrrr Simple.

I'd like to say that it is a great privilege to be standing here today and for that reason I felt that my speech should reflect the respect I have my good friend Ian.

It would seem only right to share with all of you some of Ian's lesser-known characteristics and perhaps one or two skeletons from the old closet.

Ian has always from an early age seen himself, as a bit of a ladies man, however he was never quite sure how to play the field. And felt that practice was required, which is how he found his first love. None of us were ever formally introduced and the only other person to meet her acquaintance previous to this day was the local window cleaner. It may surprise you to know that she or should I say it is here today, so without any further ado, may I introduce you to Penny the Pillow. (PAUSE AND ASK IAN TO SHOW EVERYONE HOW HE USED TO KISS IT).

Ian has always been slightly vain. In his younger days he could always be found in front of a mirror with a hair brush in one hand and a can of super hold hairspray in the other. A side from his hair Ian has always taken great care in his appearance, he has a fashion sense, which is timeless, this time however is 1987. If there was ever such a thing as the fashion police Ian would have committed every crime possible and would spend the rest of his days locked away in a padded cell. Ian does actually believe he dresses well, personally I think he dresses in the dark!!. For those of you with a nervous disposition please look away now.

As we all know Ian is a bit of a fussy eater. In spite of this he has a tendency to eat out a lot………..at burger King for example. As you are probably aware Ian recently broke his arm which he claims occurred on the football pitch. We have however discovered that his injury was sustained slipping on a rogue gherkin in Burger King.

But Let us reflect on Ian's football prowess. Being a spurs fan, Teddy sheringham has always been his hero whom he tries to emulate, Sheringham as a player is fit has plenty of skill and a good touch. Ian's locker contains just a blistering lack of pace. Which Delia can bear witness to as on there first date in real bloke fashion Ian challenged Delia to a sprint across Southsea common. Unfortunately for Ian he was left standing and feigned injury so as not to feel too embarrassed in front of his future wife.

I am sure you will agree that they are so good for each other. Delia brings to the relationship beauty, integrity, honesty, reliability and intelligence, while Ian brings…em…em, Ahh his love for crisps and chocolate, smelly pants, bad snoring habits and a few cans of Stella.

On a more serious note, Ian is like a brother to me, he's always been there in good times as well as bad; he's a rare breed a very genuine and honest person. I'm so happy for him and Delia I believe they have found true happiness and love and that is nothing less then they deserve and may I say and hope that ‘your love be modern enough to survive the times of today and old fashioned enough to last forever’.

Before we get to the toasts I would like to read out a few cards………

To Ian,

Found not to be any good in any position – We hope Delia you have more luck than us.

The Reidling Raiders.

To Delia,

Shame things never really worked out, if the rumours about Ian being gay turn out to be true, give me a call

Russell Crowe.

To Ian,

I am gutted You really broke my heart, we could have been so good together in Barcelona, Miss Foo Foo La Mar

And finally it is time to wrap this up with a traditional toast for the people today who have taken into our hearts and simply without them, wouldn't have made the day as successful as it has been. So ladies and gentleman please raise your glasses to these special people. The bar staff. Ooooppps wrong speech.

I mean please raise your glasses and drink a toast to the new Mr & Mrs Abel, to Ian & Delia.