Speech by Ian Randell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian Randell
Speech Date: sep 2004
Scott / Jax wedding speech

Draft #7. Last updated: 11/12/03

Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, welcome to Scott and Jackie's wedding.

First of all Id like to say a huge thankyou to all of you for being here this evening and making it the special occasion it deserves. I know just how much Scott and Jackie appreciate it.

And for those hecklers amongst you, yes – I am standing up!! This is all 5”6′ of me! My father tried compost in my shoes as a kid but it never worked. Given that I'm wearing a kilt, its just as well that I'm not any taller otherwise someone might get an eyeful!

And speaking of kilts, you'll be pleased to know that both me and Scott are wearing our kilts properly, ie nothing under them. Although I did catch him trying to put these on earlier. (hold up pants, & throw to audience)

Now, Scott didn't want me to give a speech because he was worried about what I might say, but as he's made me wear what is effectively a skirt with no underwear, I thought what the hell ?

Now as you all know, it is traditional for the Best Man to give a speech. But what you may not know is that it is traditional for this speech to only last as long as it takes for the Groom to consummate the marriage. So.. (look at watch).. that's about it.. so, if I can ask you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Glen… …just kidding. Don't worry the speech lasts 4 minutes – should be plenty long enough.

I first met Scott in 1994 working on a project at Logica. And to be fair, working with Scott was like working with a God:
You never saw him
He made his own rules
And any work he did was a bloody miracle

But besides having the same attitude to work, we also shared a common ineptitude of relationships – i.e. we were useless at them. I remember having many heated discussions, trying to fathom the depths of the female mind. And needless to say we never succeeded.

But not long after that period of relationship turmoil, that me and Scott call the ‘Summer of ’94’, Scott entered into a long-term relationship with a beautiful and talented girl. And that girl is of course … Kylie Minogue.

But it wasn't long before Scott realised that the closest he was ever gonna get to a relationship with Kylie was simply buying her latest record – in the words of the pop princess herself ‘I should be so lucky’ – and it was in this period that he met and fell in love with an even more beautiful and talented girl… and that girl is of course Jackie. Ahhhhhh !

But Jackie wasn't Scott's first love. His first big love was Stella, (pause) followed in quick succession by Whiskey, Gin and Vodka, and never forgetting that old flame Southern Comfort. In fact, I think its safe to say that Scott was playing the field the night he met Jackie.

Now, it was a while before Scott brought Jackie back to the house that 4 of us shared. But when he did, her presence was felt immediately. She brought warmth, humour… and of course… toilet cleaner.

And I remember watching in amazement one night as she lit more than one ring on the oven to cook dinner. I mean, we'd all thought that a well balanced diet was a Big Mac in each hand. And to be fair, I still do.

Now I know that Scott is a Masterchef these days, but what was the first meal that he cooked Jackie? (anyone?) I believe it was defrosted lentil soup – am I right Jax ?.

Now I think its fair to say that Jackie has brought a lot to their relationship. For example, the Scott I knew before Jackie – his idea of travelling was heading off to an obscure welsh village to see a Mike Peters gig. And now look at them – they've travelled the world. (And who the hell's Mike Peters anyway ?)

And the Scott I knew before Jackie would have laughed at the idea of Growing Your Own Vegetables. And now look at them – they have a house in the country with a garden, a rabbit, and a vegetable patch. And we call them Tom and Barbara. And yes, they do have a Good Life.

And having renovated their own house, with a little help from uncle Pete, its safe to say they're dab hands at DIY. I can thus conclude that married life for them will consist of a lot of banging and screwing.

And it was this last kind of leisure activity, that we all believe caused Scott his hernia a few years ago. I only hope we wont be having a repeat performance of that tonight. But if we do, isnt it nice to know that we have 2 doctors on hand – ie Jackie's Father and Brother. Boys – keep your pagers turned on – and bear in mind it could get embarrassing !

Actually, one of the reasons Scott was so hot on Jackie at the start of their relationship was because he knew Jackie's father was a GP. However, he thought GP stood for Generous Publican.

But although free booze wasn't forthcoming, their relationship has gone from strength to strength. And I admire them: their love still seems so pure and simple. Jackie so pure, and Scott so simple.

But now on a serious note for just a minuite, Id just like to say that its been the biggest honour of my life to be the Best Man here today. Scott is my oldest friend and I consider him a brother, so to be Best man here today really is once in a lifetime. And Id like to thank bothe Scott and Jackie for the opportunity.

Now folks, enough of the slushy stuff, I have some cards and messages to read out from people who couldn't make it today.

<MESSAGES>

Now folks, Id just like to give you all an idea of how some of us found out that after 7 years Scott had finally proposed to Jackie. Basically there was an email conversation with the first email from Scott. And it read (and Im not going to do a Scottish accent – but whats the point – hes practically English now anyway.. (wink))

<EMAILS>

And now, my speech is almost over but before I finish, I have a little treat for you – an insight into the happy couple.

<PRESENTATION>

Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of Scott and Jackie, and myself, I would like to thank you all once again for being present on this very special occasion.

And that leaves me only one thing more to do – could I please ask you all to be upstanding with a glass in your hand… (wait for everyone to stand up)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to propose a toast – to the new Mr and Mrs Glen, to the Tom and Barbara of our worlds… To Scott and Jackie… (everyone To Scott and Jackie!)