Speech by Ian Underwood

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ian Underwood
Speech Date: Oct2006
GOOD AFTERNOON EVERYONE!

FORNICATION….Sorry …FOR AN OCCASION such as this, I would like to thank you all for coming to celebrate the marriage of Tim and Sarah here today.

I did ask for a microphone but Tim was too stingy to pay for one so if any of you can't hear me at the back, the silence coming from the people at the front should reassure you that you're not missing out on anything!

A very wise man once told me that the Best Man's speech should last as long as the Groom lasts making love… Check watch…… Thank you ladies and gentlemen – have a good evening…..…

Joking aside, for those of you that don't know me my name's Ian and I am Tim's Best Man. Tim, I would like to say thank you for asking me to be your best man today, it's an honour to be asked and a pleasure to fulfil the role, and a big thank you for finally admitting after all these years that I am indeed the best man.

Anyway, I'd like to start traditionally and thank Tim on behalf of our bridesmaids, for his kind words. Can I say what a great job they have all done today and how wonderful they look?

They really do look smashing today and only rightly outshone by our bride, Sarah who looks absolutely amazing. I'm sure you'll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men all over the world, as another beauty leaves the list of available women. And ladies, I'm sure you'll agree that today is passing by without much of a ripple.

Now as I mentioned, it is a great honour to be Best Man, but with the role comes the job of writing this speech, and to be honest I wanted to make the process as easy as possible. So where do you begin for ideas?

The obvious place seemed to be the internet, so with a multitude of resources at my fingertips I dutifully began searching the web.

After a couple of hours searching I found some REALLY good material on the net, …….but then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips so it was back to square one!

As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to SING THE GROOM'S PRAISES and tell you all about his MANY good points. Well, I'm very sorry but I CAN'T SING, and I CERTAINLY WON'T LIE.

What I can tell you is that Tim was born on 15th July 1979. I tried to link this to some major world event, but it seems that nothing of importance happened that day… although the staff at the hospital where Tim was born still refer to that day as “Ugly Wednesday”

Tim was a bit of a slow starter. At Playschool Tim was different from the other 5 year olds… he was 11.

In spite of this, I have learnt a great deal from Tim over the years. For example, during our teenage years, by observing Tim I was able to avoid some truly terrible haircuts.

And it was due to one of these dodgy haircuts that we thought we were going to have our first female footballer in the family when we discovered Tim's nickname at his junior football club – Wait for it…….Daphne. I kid you not he was called Daphne because of his lovely spiky haircut which made him look just like the woman off Neighbours! I have the pictures to prove this…..available at ٣ each.

During our time growing up together there have been times that I was not so much an older brother, but more of a mother to Tim:

I've watched him drink from a bottle,
I've cleaned up after him when he's been sick,
I've watched him stagger around naked,
I've dressed and undressed him,
and I've helped him to walk. The last 4 of these were all on the first night of his Stag weekend!

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is traditional for the Best Man to dredge up some stories about the groom's past to embarrass him. Unfortunately for you Tim, today will be no exception.

There was the time when Tim fainted in the Zeppelin museum in Germany and ended up in hospital having his temperature taken. Not particularly embarrassing until I mention that the temperature was taken by a large hairy German nurse by sticking the thermometer forcibly up Tim's bum!

There was the occasion in Portugal when Tim got left sleeping on a ferry after all the other passengers had got off. He'd drunk quite a few beers that day and refused to eat, stating that ‘eating was for wimps’. Tim didn't wake up until the ferry had landed back at the point we had originally left over an hour earlier! Even the crew of the ferry were in on the joke! That story is only slightly less funny because I was asleep next to him the whole time!

I could tell you many great stories about the fantastic stag Weekend we had in Poland. My personal favourite is the time we all went Go carting and Tim was dressed head to toe in a bright purple, figure hugging, full Lycra gimp suit. Tim looked hilarious and it was seeing him in that tight fitting suit that we decided that Sarah was obviously marrying Tim for his charm and good looks and for no other reason. Either that or it was much colder in Warsaw than we thought!

The last story I'm going to tell you about is an incident which occurred on a weekend trip to Skegness. After a long Saturday night on the beers Tim and a friend walked home to the hotel along the seafront and decided to make a slight change to the landscape which was not visible until the following day.

However, I'm sure that it wasn't long before the first of the Sunday morning strollers went out walking down to Skegness pier for a breath of fresh air and got quite a surprise. Picture the scene – two lovely old ladies taking a gentle ramble along the seafront..…

What a shock those old ladies must have received when they saw that the union jack which normally hangs from the flagpole, 50 feet up in the air at the end of the pier, had been stolen! And as a replacement, fluttering in the wind, on the flagpole, at the end of Skegness Pier, were the smelly boxer shorts Tim had been wearing the night before!

I'm not sure about the state of the old ladies after that shock, and I'm definitely not sure about the state of the boxer shorts in question! I'm told that Tim tried to do the same thing the next year, but ended up falling off the roof! So there is some justice.

Anyway, Tim has survived all these incidents and it was on a slightly less raucous night when he was out drinking with his friends that he met the love of his life… Sarah. And the rest, as they say – is history…

I know Tim is serious about Sarah as has told me that he intends to love and nurture his marriage the same way he does with his beloved football. He says he's going in fully committed he plans to score 2 or 3 times every weekend and he plans change ends at half time!

Some advice though Tim. Don't put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself. Don't worry Sarah I'm not going to mention anything about diving in the box.

To be serious for a moment, I'd like to say that Tim, in Sarah you have found someone that is attractive, smart, funny and loving. And Sarah, you have been unlucky enough to have found someone who looks like a cross between Frank Skinner and Graham Norton.

You're a lucky man Tim, Sarah's a beautiful girl with a heart of gold, and she deserves a good husband… thank god you snapped her up before she found one.

In all seriousness though Tim, you've been a brilliant brother and a great friend to me over the years. It's been a great honour to be your best man today, and I know you and Sarah will have a long and happy marriage together!

Now, there are obviously two other very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. I'm sure many of you will join me in spending a lot of quality time with them both this evening. So please join me in a very special toast – to the bar staff!

Before I ask you all to join me in the real toast to the happy couple I'd like to take this opportunity to read some cards out from friends and family who couldn't make it today.

We have one from the lads in Tim's football team:

Dear all,
‘Over the past 2 seasons we've found Tim to be absolutely useless in every single position. We hope Sarah has more luck.’

Dear Tim
‘We're sorry we couldn't make your special day, but felt it too emotional losing a special guy such as yourself, we're sure we will see you again soon.’
From all the girls at the Sofia lap dancing club in Poland.

P.S Tim – please say hello to your Dad for us..…

Now then, it gives me great pleasure to ask you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses for the toast:

Ladies and Gentlemen,
The new Mr. and Mrs. Underwood, Tim and Sarah!