Speech by J Molloy

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: J Molloy
Speech Date: Nov 1998
Well it has been said that being asked to be the Best Man is like making love to the Queen Mother….it's a great honour, but nobody wants to do it.

But even so, Nick took on this role, and then promptly passed the speech onto me, something about it being a waste of valuable drinking time.

So firstly, on behalf of the Best Man, the bridesmaids and the pageboy, I'd like to thank Damian for his kind words.

I am in an unusual situation in basically being given a free role to spend the next 10 minutes delving in Damian's character, analysing his faults and generally ripping into him, (to Damian) Mate, I'm sure you could still get Nick to do this for fifty quid.

Now you may think that it would be difficult to speak about someone who, on the outside, may seem just a little too good to be true, there was no wild stag weekend in Amsterdam to report on, and there is certainly no scandal about alcoholism, drug rehab or chronic gambling problems….I mean, parents love him.

But today, you will discover, that contrary to what his Mum might say, he isn't perfect.

I've only known Damian for about 10 years, so only have hearsay and unsubstantiated gossip to go on before this, but as a wise old man once told me, never the truth get in the way of a good story.

Apparently Damian was the perfect child, he wasn't naughty and he had no trouble at school, he even did his homework and the teachers liked him. By the sounds of it, he was one of those weird kids who liked writing, poetry and pressing flowers.

During his early years, swimming was a large part of Damian's life, starting at the age of 5 at Southgate, and then onto Edmonton Phoenix, where it seems he flourished into his teenage years, and became a little more normal.

Many nights and weekends were spent training and in galas. Damian did quite well in the water, although an area where he excelled was the "back of the bus" activities, on the way to and from galas. He would quite often be found passing banana's and other exotic fruits up and down the back seat, without using his hands, and was a Postman's Knock champion, using the coach toilet to it's full potential.

Damian enjoyed his time at the pool, mainly because he got to spend countless hours surrounded by scantily clad girls and show off his aquatic skills, but this didn't always work to his advantage, as one day, with his concentration distracted by a passing group of synchronised swimmers, his brave effort to impress of a double twist with pike, resulted in a broken nose, some nasty facial injuries and the first of many occurrences of concussion.

Damian is a very keen and confident sportsman, so obviously within half an hour of his first ever ski-ing lesson at Harlow, in preparation for a school holiday, he was ready to "take it from the top."

He did well, for the first few seconds, then the sound of clattering ski's and cries of pain filled the air, as Damian careered, totally out of control, into his instructor, finally ending up in the mud at the bottom of the slope, fortunately, on this rare occasion only his ego was damaged.

By the time he reached the age of 16, Damain had become bored with playing Doctors and Nurses at the back of the bus, so he hung up his Speedo's, and retired from swimming (mind you, he was still in a neck collar.)

It was around this time that he had his one and only brush with the law. After performing the macho task of shouting out "pigs" at a passing Police van, he was soon bundled in the back and spent the night in a cell at Edmonton Green.

Being a sporty bloke, he was quite keen to find something else he was suited to, so he gave 5-a-side football a go. Not only was he useless in every position (hope you have more luck there Tracy!), but his 5 games resulted in two hospital visits with concussion, a broken leg and a fight. I'm not sure whether he gave up ‘cos Mummy told him to, or was sacked as a liability to the team.

So what next for our fearless hero? I know, he thought, I'll take up a low risk, non contact sport and I'll be fine. So he took up Twai Kon Do. Surprisingly in his time as an aspiring Bruce Lee, he managed to keep out of Casualty, escaping with only a succession of cuts and bruises.

Somehow he managed to persuade Phil and myself that it would be a good idea to play squash together. After just a few weeks, we decided that we were good enough to enter a competition. So we turned up and the draw was made. I was placed against Damian. This should be fun.

We entered the court and began a gentle warm up, but let's be honest, it was the squash equivalent of a North London derby. Pride was on the line, as well as the prize of a five pound Boot's voucher.

So we got stuck in, and before even a point was on the board……….SMASH, and there was blood all over the floor.

Unfortunately, the blood was mine. Damain had smashed me in the face with his racket, and this time it was me who ended up in hospital, to have stitches in my eyebrow.

As well as the sports that Damian has taken part in, he also developed a love of watching motor sports, many weekends spent at Santa Pod instilled an ambition in his mind to become a drag racer. Unfortunately the closest he got was the 1991 Cheshunt Pram Race, when he became a drag queen.

His other ambitions on the job front haven't always been conventional either, oh yes, in the roles he's taken on in the banking and insurance world he has been successful, but he's never been entirely satisfied with that. Perhaps that's why he joined the Territorial Army. Imagine my shock, when I turned up at his house, to find him in full combat gear, including gas mask! Can you imagine anything more dangerous than Damian in charge of a tank? Thankfully that didn't last too long.

Perhaps Damian's most abstract job application was for a job he saw advertised in the National Press, an advert which had been placed by the Home Office………for a job as a secret agent!

Seeing as his espionage skills are so good, I can only assume he didn't get the job for one reason. They checked up on his driving record.

Damian passed his driving test with flying colours 19th October 1988. Unfortunately his newly acquired driving skill did not come with a sense of direction or an ability to avoid collisions with other road users, he obviously went to the Matt Molloy School of Driving.

Damians interest in cars has kept him very busy over the years, it has also kept busy a large number of panel beaters and mechanics.

His first car, a trusty Mini, actually lasted him a couple of years, before someone smashed into him from behind, and it was no more. Then the obsession with Beetles began, the first he had for 3 months, before trading it in for a lovely sky blue convertible. For some reason Damian decided to take this perfectly good car, put it in the hands of a particularly dodgy mechanic and have it converted into a "Wizard Roadster".

When somebody decided to drive into the back of this one, it became apparent that he's been ripped off, as the whole thing collapsed like a pack of cards. This whole episode ended up in a huge legal battle that ended up costing the poor fellow thousands.

So to cheer himself up, he bought a nice XR2 which within weeks, was wrapped round a lamppost in Waltham Cross, something about skidding on a patch of oil. Oh yeah.

He then spent a while hooning around in his parents kindly donated Escort Convertible, that was until he lost his license for speeding on the M25!

His next car, an Uno, rusted to the ground, and is probably still somewhere on the A10 where he abandoned it.

Feeling sorry for his Brother, and deciding that automatic was the only way forward, Nick kindly let Damian have his Renault 5, which had been sitting patiently outside his house. But not long afterwards he got slightly more than he bargained for, when in a freak Sainsbury's car park accident, Damian managed to drive into him at 10 miles per hour.

As you can imagine being a non drinker, Damian quite often gets to be the nominated driver, and one night after driving to the Castle pub in Woodford, his fate was sealed. Now you have to understand that Damain had worshipped Tracy from afar for a fair while, so when she happened to be in the pub that night, he wiped his mouth, combed his hair, tucked his shirt in his pants and moonwalked over to her.

Things went well, Damian was smooth, and he knew it!

Tracy was obviously not aware of Damians driving record, so accepted the offer of a lift home.

Now Damian's a fast mover, so this night, in the car, they shared they're first romantic meal together, a large doner with salad and extra chillies.

Things went very well, a few calls were made, Damian was on cloud nine and they arranged to meet up again. This time things progressed a great deal, by now Tracy was onto chips with curry sauce.

Before he got together with Tracy, Damian had decided to leave his job at Lloyds Bank and spend the Summer working and travelling round America (I think I remember drag racing school being mentioned). But he'd finally got together with this girl he'd fancied for ages, things were going very well, in fact he'd fallen in love with her….but he was leaving the country just a few weeks later, what was he going to do?

They worked out a plan, that being that Tracy would go to the States too, a meet Damian for a couple of weeks once he'd finished working at the Summercamp.

Damian wasn't exactly what you'd call a natural traveller, he hadn't considered taking a sleeping bag, as he thought fresh linen would be provided.

He finally packed his backpack and headed for the States on June 19th 1996. While working as a counsellor at Camp Stage Door, a camp basically for teenage luvvies and aspiring actors, he pined for Tracy each day, counting down the hours until her arrival, he was also accumulating a massive phone bill.

They were finally reunited on September 3rd, and spent two weeks in Florida, like a pair of lovesick swans.

But once again they had to part, Damians tear filled sobbing echoing round the departure hall of Orlando Airport.

But two days later the arrival of Nick soon cheered him up, or maybe it was the arrival of Nick's empty credit cards. They met in New York and spent two weeks travelling round, checking out the sights of Niagara Falls, Toronto, New York City and Washington, where Damian decided that seeing as he'd been rejected from the British Secret Service, he's give the CIA a go!

But still throughout this time Damian was still spending countless hours on the telephone to Tracy, some nights leaving poor old Nick to prop up the hotel bar on his own, and we all know how much he hates that.

So at the beginning of October 1996, Damian touched down on home soil and was once again reunited with Tracy, with open arms and large shish. They have been inseparable ever since.

On behalf of everyone here, I can truly say that you are wished nothing but the best for the future. You're love of takeaway food makes you a unique and perfectly matched couple, and we all hope that that all your dreams come true and you have a magical life together.

At this time I would like to welcome a very special guest to the floor for the toast, the Best Man, Mr Nick Gxxxxxx!!!!!!!!!!