Speech by Jacob

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jacob
Speech Date: 05/04/2012 13:58:09

Billy, a fantastic speech, congratulations.  And Will, I thought yours would be hard to follow-couldn't understand a bloody word.

During my stag do 3 years ago, Will was standing next to me in a photo, and had the chance to stop something bad happening to me and didn't.  In fact he is laughing in the picture.  Revenge is very sweet.

Before I start there is something I need to say.  I phoned Will on Monday to calm his nerves, to give him advice, do the usual best man thing.  We also tried to calm each other's nerves about speeches.

Remember I'd phoned to settle his nerves -do you know what he said?  “Don't worry about your speech Jake, I've told everyone how funny you are!” No pressure.

I can't actually speak too long because of my throat-Louise has said she'll slit it if I'm up here for more than ten minutes.

I would also like to say that this is my first time in Scotland and the welcome I have received has been utterly wonderful, so thank you all for welcoming this southern shandy-drinking fairy.

For those who don't know me, my name's Jake, I have been sentenced to be the best man. I hope you are all having a fantastic day, and that especially goes out to the happy couple Louise and Will.

I sincerely hope Will is enjoying his day, because the next 5 minutes I'm going to make quite uncomfortable for him.

In fact, I will now do my best to give Will the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life.

For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Louise's life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of Will.

First of all, I'd like to say how utterly fantastic the bridesmaids have been today, and I'm sure you'll all agree they look incredible.

 The Ushers Ian and William have been fantastic by keeping me calm today.

 Louise, you look one in a million.  Will, you look like you were won in a raffle.

Now, I looked online for help with this speech, and got very confused by one website when it said “It is tradition to slaughter the groom during the best man speech.” I thought “Brilliant news, what an opportunity to actually shut him up for once, permanently!” Plus it'll save Louise the bother of doing it.

 I also had to look for some nice things to say about Will, but if you've ever tried looking for a fart in a Jacuzzi you'll know how hard that is.

 I thought it would be interesting to look up the name ‘Will’ for its meaning, and I found some great stuff.  It's derived from William and it's from the German for “Willhelm” which basically means a desire for helmets.

In the middle ages the word “Cocky” or “Cock” was applied to many self-assured young men, many of which were named Will.  So, “Will the Cock” has been a very commonly uttered phrase throughout history, and I'm delighted to see that Will has honoured his name by keeping that tradition alive, even today.

Charlie Sheen was born on the same day as Will. And although the people around him know him for his thinning hair, an overpaid role in television and a belief that he's more popular than he really is, Will doesn't let that slow him down.

 The history of how Will and I met is actually quickly told-6 years ago while on holiday my wife Philippa and I made the mistake of talking to an incredibly irritating man….and here he is.  I don't think I'll bother with the punch line.

 My wife and I had agreed to go on one of these coach trip-plus-evening-entertainment-with-dinner sort of events, and after we got there I thought it would be a crap evening filled with berks who spend the whole time annoying you with their attempts to make you laugh…and then along came Will……and confirmed it.

 We begun sharing stories about our families, and they told us they were enjoying a rare child-free holiday, and we mocked them, saying how far away all that was for us.  Eight months later we became proud parents to the gorgeous girl in green and haven't had a child-free holiday since.

 We also shared our likes and dislikes, and it became obvious that Will and I are almost like twins.  We both loved retro toys, computer games, and bikes, we both had beautiful girlfriends…aahh, and we both work hard in our careers.  Will in visual effects, me in teaching.  Well, I do anyway.

Going out on Will's stag do was interesting because some things were different from when Will normally goes out.

Normally when he goes out he usually suffers from a kind of reverse tourettes syndrome, where people uncontrollably swear at him. That didn't happen.

And for only the second time in his life, women spoke to him in a public place without having to be bribed or dared first.  The first time of course, was when Louise did her part for care in the community by speaking to Will in a bar in London in 2004, and nearly eight years later, here we are.

Will is one of these guys who are liked by everybody he meets, and in the time we've known each other, I have been bowled over by his honesty, his generosity and the amazing example he sets in every area of his life.

 He is the friendliest, most kind-hearted guy I've ever met, he is funny, intelligent and successful and truthfully, today is the only day where out of the two of us, I'M the best man.

And now, some advice to the bride and groom.

 Louise……if he ever threatens to leave you….wait and hold out for a firm promise.

And Will, if you're clever you'll always have the last word……however, if you're very clever, you won't use it.  But it has truly been an honour to be your best man today.

 Seeing the two you of you married gives me an incredible feeling of pride, and words are simply not enough to describe how perfect the two of you are for each other.

So, with a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat, I'll finish with a quote to you Will, from a famous philosopher: “She loves you yeah yeah yeah, she loves you yeah yeah yeah.  And with a love like that, you know you should be glad.”

So, I'd like to lead a toast to Louise and Will.

May you always be glad of each other's love, may you find your happiest times together, and may your love burn as bright as the future you have with each other.

To Louise and Will