Speech by Jake

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jake
Speech Date: 20/04/2017 08:02:59

(Jake)

Ladies and Gentlemen, for those that don't know us, my name is Jake and this is Callum and we are Liam's best men. Before we start we'd just like to thank Andy and Liam for their kind words.

Me and Callum are both pretty nervous about today. Delivering the best man's speech is a bit like having sex with the queen. It's a great honour to be asked – but let's be honest nobody really wants to do it.

So, with that in mind, we tried to keep the speech as short as possible.

*ROLL OUT BIG BIT OF PAPER*

Firstly, we would like to thank the bridesmaids. I'm sure everyone will agree that they are looking beautiful and have done a great job in supporting Char and getting her here today.

They are only outshone by Char herself, who, I must say looks absolutely amazing.

(Callum)

Now onto Liam. Where do I start? Well, we first met Liam around 14 years ago when he joined our school. He originally went to Bris but was kicked out for repeatedly getting caught sniffing bicycle seats…

*LAUGH SIGN*

And to be honest for the first two weeks at school I was calling him Leon, until one day I was copying his school work and noticed he had Liam written at the top of his page. Luckily I stopped copying his work that day! His GCSE grades spelt DUG! And D, U & G is pretty bad!

Also in the early stages of our friendship I was impressed by his taste in clothing, his sartorial elegance. Stylish, debonair, cool – he had all the clothes a young man could possibly require. It wasn't long before I started emulating his dress sense. He and I used to go out on the town together, dolled up to the nines, both of us kitted out in the same style. It was great until one day my mother found out that I'd been pinching clothes from her wardrobe!

If you would like to open up envelope one, here is just one of many outfits he used to sport.

*PAUSE. LET PEOPLE OPEN ENVELOPE 1 – LIAM WEARING A DRESS*

(Jake)

We hope that you all enjoy your evening. Just be careful if you're on the dancefloor later on. Liam has a previous for injuring other dancers. We all went to a party a few years ago, and a big circle had formed on the middle of the dance floor.

Liam decided to enter the circle by doing a cartwheel and in the process manged to kick a girl in the face which nearly knocked her out!

In fairness his hair may have been in his face back then. He's had some shocking hairstyles over the years but if you'd all like to open envelope 2 on your tables, we think this is probably the worst.

*PAUSE – LET PEOPLE OPEN ENVELOPE 2 – LIAM WITH RIDICULOUS BARNET*

As you can see his hair was so bad he often used to go out wearing a shower cap to hide the mess.

Thankfully Char booked him in for an appointment this morning, making him the first straight man in history to have “wedding hair”.

(Callum)

Now as you would expect, we have spent the last few weeks worrying about this speech, but the whole point of it only really occurred to us recently, and that is that nobody could possibly stand here and feel more proud and honoured than us to be able to represent Liam on this – the most important day of his life.

(Jake)

Liam. We cannot thank you enough for giving us the opportunity to be your best men, and for sharing in your special day. You've been a fantastic friend to us over the years, and I'm sure this will continue in the future. Anyone that has spent time with you and Char knows how great you are together and we would like to wish you both a life time of happiness.

Char. Take good care of Liam, and please make sure that you lend him back to us every so often as, despite his faults, and young Polish boy looks, we quite like having him around.

(Callum)

Well I'm sure that you'll all be pleased to hear that were almost done. And if you would all like to fill up your glasses and join us in a toast.

*WAIT 30 SECONDS*

To the bride and groom. May their marriage be long and always happy. May their children be as beautiful as they are. And may every wedding speech they listen to be shorter and funnier than ours.

TO CHAR AND LEON.