Speech by James and Nicki

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: James and Nicki
Speech Date: dec 2002

Hello and welcome to you all on this very special occasion, to celebrate the wedding of this fine couple we have before us.
Firstly on behalf of the beautiful brides –maids I would like to thank James and Tora for their kind words and would like to add my compliments to them on doing a wonderful job of keeping Tora looking superb throughout the ceremony. Also thanks to Barney for all his help today, and doesn't he look a handsome fella, hard to believe who is father is.

A wise man once told me that the best mans speech should last as long as the grooms best efforts at making love. So I'm afraid that's it from me, and the telegrams will be on the bar for you all to look at later, thank you.

SIT DOWN BRIEFLY

No seriously we are all here to celebrate a very special occasion and we are certainly going to celebrate while the booze is free…

James did say to me during the meal if I do a good job, and don't embarrass him too much he may use me again.I should remind Tora that today is the shortest day so she should be in for longest night of the year.

Before I start to go over James’ character reference I must say the vicar was very liberated today, we asked him wot he thought about sex before marriage. No problem what so ever so long as it doesn't delay the ceremony too much.

Many of you will have known James for much longer than me but the few years I have known him for have certainly been eventful and fun filled. We have shared a few scary experiences together after a quiet night out at the pub. None more spectacular than sliding out of the back his Range Rover together on the boot liner and sliding down the road and gently coming to rest, then waiting 5 minutes till the rest of the passengers in the car noticed we were missing.
James was always a very active young farmer like the rest of us, and could always be found with some pretty young thing in his arms at the end of most disco's.
We had 3 very good skiing trips to America and all had some calamity that sticks in the in the mind forever. One of the most memorable moments was this year when James slid head first down the mountain out of control stopping, after what seemed like several minutes in heap unable to move for some time till he realised he was still alive. We won't comment on whose idea it was to go into the out of bounds area where there are no ski patrols but he isn't sitting too far away from me and has just got married. This also goes to prove that lunchtime drinking is not good for you. On this same trip James put his gambling skills to the test and the more he drank the better he thought he was getting. That was until we had the usual morning after wallet checking session
To count the non existent winnings.

I was going to contact some of James’ old girlfriends but after much research I discovered that most of them were incinerated or quarantined during the recent foot and mouth outbreak, close family contacts at the vet college have confirmed these findings, so all your past horrors are buried James, theres a relief.

I had a short discussion with Tora's father dave earlier this week to get him to share some of his childhood memories of Tora. ~All he could come up with was how he used to send her off to bed with a dummy at night….… NO CHANGE THERE THEN

The Glove Story

I remembered a little story about James from a few months ago just this morning when it was so cold. Tora was going on a school trip to eurodisney and james thought he would be nice and buy her some nice warm gloves for the trip to keep her warm and remind her of him while she was away for the week. So he went to John lewis his favourite shop with Cherry Tora's mother to choose some gloves. James chose his gloves and her mother bought some new knickers for herself, they were in the queue talking away and the assistant asked James if he would like them wrapped up. Yes please that would be nice and slip this note in would you because they are a gift for my fiancée. Unfortunately while they were talking they hadn't noticed that the lady had mixed up the items and wrapped the knickers as toras present by mistake. The funny part of this is the note which James wrote:

Dera Tora,
I chose these for you because I noticed that you are not in the habit wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your mother I would have chosen the long ones with buttons but she wears short ones, which are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past two weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on and they looked good on her.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I get a chance to see you at the weekend.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will still be a bit damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.

Hope you wear them for me at the weekend.

All my love James

PS According the Sunday Times fashion supplement the latest fashion is to wear them rolled down a bit with a little fur showing.

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ROMANTIC EVENING

I must tell you about the first romantic evening James and Tora spent together, they had been out for a meal and retired to James’ batchelor pad. Not realising how late it had got Tora suggested staying for the night which James quickly agreed to. Being a bit keen James decided to put on a bit of a show for Tora so started to do a little strip tease.
James took off his shoes and sox……… he said you must excuse the state of my toes (they were all twisted and curled) He said when he was young he had Toesilitis. Mmm Tora said Toesilitis don't you mean Tonsilitis??
Oh no tora it was toesilitis it affects the toes.
James took off his jeans and said please excuse my knees, I had kneesals as a child. Are you sure she said.??????? Not measals like everyone else.
Oh yes, it affects the knees.
Finally off came the pants, well Tora looked horrified at the sight of what she saw before her. She questioned him as to weather he was related to a pigmy tribe or weather she should lance the boil he seemed to have between the legs.
She finally said…..Don't tell me, as a child you had SMALL COX.
Speaking to James over the last few weeks about the wedding, I've asked him wot he wanted from THIS marriage, he said, “well,he want's to be a model husband. he wants to be a model citizen.” And he added with a sly grin that he also wanted to be a model LOVER!! Being a naïve chap that I am, I decided to look up “model” in the dictionary; it said “a small, miniature replica of the real thing!!!!!! Sorry Tora.

This might be the time for any telegrams and cards.

I'll miss those lovely nights round the pool baby… love Michael Barrymore..
Hope we left your new home in good condition.… Mandy and all the girls at madam sins spanking emporium.
Cant help thinking wot might have been ………..Johnny.
Maybe some real ones now.

To Round Off
I would just like to say that James has pulled a blinder in marrying Tora. He's found some one that can make him happy, is an excellent cook , oh yes and she has a full time job and brings in a good salary.
And Tora… well………..… you have found James.!!!!!

All that's left for me to do is ask you all to charge your glasses.
WAIT
Please join me in a toast to James and Tora.

JAMES AND TORA……… sit down get pissed.