Speech by james B

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: james B
Speech Date: sep 2002

Thanks’ to Dave for the well thought out and put together
speech, thats made my job much easier, I'd just like to thank the bridesmaids
for doing an excellent job and i am sure you will all agree that they look
fantastic, even Emily looks smart, well for the minute, and of course
Lisa..… she also looks fantastic. I hope everyone has enjoyed the day so
far, i know i have, its been a very emotional day even the cakes in tiers.
( sorry they don't get any better than that.)

In my line of work i have dealt with many situations like
giving evidence in crown court, and people threatening to kill me, but
standing up in front of you lot is by far the most frightening thing i have
ever done, I've tried imagining you all naked but to be honest that is
putting me off even more, but anyway onto the speech as i know you would
rather be eating than listening to drone on about what a good guy Dave is,
which is enough to put anyone of their food and just as hard to believe.

I have known Dave on and off for about 23years, and over that
time i think we have become good friends, as close as brother really. In his
younger days he was always known for having the snottiest nose going, and
destroying anything that he put his hands on. From these two little
character traits he has amassed a number of different nicknames, from snot
gobbler, to Dave damage.

As he got older, he got a job with dad, where he started
righting his wrongs and began to put thinks together ( correctly ), but he
still couldn't help himself, and left that job, and went onto the fire
brigade where he can damage anything that he wants and gets paid for it, if
only Manchester knew what they were letting themselves in for when they
accepted him, but at least he has started putting fires out rather than
starting them. Its at this point i could start going on about the size of
his hose and how shinny his big red engine is, but i won't because this is a
sophisticated party and i am sure that Ray will be doing these jokes later on
in the night as he gets slowly drunk, as he does at every family do.

When i was asked to be best man i did a bit of research and
found that two of the main duties , besides making sure he gets dressed
properly and getting him to the church on time, is to make sure that no ex
girlfriends come to the wedding and start causing trouble, which was never
going to be a big job as he wasn't blessed with looks and never had many
girlfriends, but thanks to foot and mouth, I've not had to do anything, and
also writing this speech, which i started writing whilst having a meal, and
then it came to me, a newly married couple can be compared to a good wine.
The man starts off like a grape that needs to be stamped on for a while until
he matures into something that you enjoy having at dinner. The women starts
off fresh, fruity and intoxicating, becoming full bodied in middle age and
then turns into something sour and vinegary that gives you a bad headache.

Although it kills me to say it Dave is the best friend i have
ever had, and my life would have been pretty boring if he hadn't been around,
we've been through quite a lot together and we have always stuck together and
besides fighting with each other we have also fought for each other, and
defended each other, as a few of my Dads ex's will be able to vouch for. I am
glad he has found someone like Lisa who can control him and still give him a
slap when i am not around if he steps out of line, he is a great to be
around, generous, and the most helpful man you will ever meet for the right
price, and i would just like to thank him for being a top brother.

The only thing he slightly lacks in is intelligence, for example when
mum and Trev had gone on holiday, we were due to pick them up from Birmingham
airport, so as you do you ring the airport first to make sure that the
flight is going to be on time, but as we didn't have the number i told Dave
to phone directory enquiries, which he did. As we all know when you
ring directory enquiries the lady answers and says " DIRECTORY ENQURIES WHAT
NAME IS IT PLEASE ". We are all intelligent people in this room, so what
would you say if you were ringing directory enquiries to find the telephone
number for Birmingham airport and the woman at the other end says what name
is it??? ( ask a 2-3 people what they would reply, which should be
Birmingham Airport ). Good so we are all on the same wavelength, so what
does he say…………………… ITS DAVE. Chris Tarrant must be
quaking in his boots at the thought of Dave becoming a contestant on
millionaire.

I won't keep you for much longer i am just going to read out a few
cards……….…

Finally, I'd like to say to Dave, I am extremely proud to to be your best man
and I'm so pleased that you've found the women you want to spent the rest of
your life with. I have no doubt that your love will be modern enough to
survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.
So can everybody join me in a toast to the Happy Couple and wish them all the
best in their new life together –
To Dave And Lisa!!!!