Speech by James Butler

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: James Butler
Speech Date: aug2002
Good afternoon! Ladies and Gentlemen,
For those who haven't guessed yet, I am the bestman! My name is Jimmie Butler and before you start listening to my character assignation, I will be going to be covering the history of the lovely couple during their courtship, engagement and the lead up to events occurring today. Before I begin, Mark, I want you to forgive for the things I am about to say and I hope that we are still friends after the speech. Mark did give me a brief for the speech, he said "be amusing and dazzle them with your wit". But as I'm not that funny, the best I can do is let Mark dazzle you with the light that reflects of his head.
When Mark asked me to be his Best Man I was honored but obviously apprehensive. I decided to buy a book on weddings and in it I found a list of Best Man duties and some very important tasks, and I would just like to read a few of them, because after I read them I was even more confused!
Ensure that the groom and the best man have a couple of stiff ones before the service. Now maybe I am wrong, but I always presumed that the stiff one should arrive after the reception when the loving couples are alone. So I gave Mark a good hard whiskey.
Ensure that the groom's hair is combed, where my first problem arose because Mark has got no hair. He has got more hair on his backside than he has on his head. Don't even ask me how I know that.
Make sure that the groom uses the toilet, all I can say is that I am glad Mark is not making a speech today because then that would be the sixth time that he has rose from a warm seat with a piece of paper in his hand.
Ensure that his face is washed, he brushes his teeth, his fly is done up and he is tucked shirt is in!
At this point I came to the realisation that Mark chose the wrong person to be his best man and should of asked his mum, Maria, who has had more experience in that field.
Mark looked like Elvis when he was a younger man, and now as an older man he still appears to look like Elvis but in the latter stages of life before he died. Its quite funny when you think about it, When Helen was born, she was put to bed with a dummy, and now 27 years later it appears history is repeating itself.
But it is good to see Mark relaxing and letting his hair down today.
For the past couple of years, it has been his hair – which’ bas been letting him down!
What can I say about Mark…?
HE SWIMS LIKE A BRICK! HE EATS LIKE A HORSE! HE SNORES LIKE THUNDER! (MARK GIVES ME A 20 NOTE) HANDSOME WITTY CHARISMATIC INTELLIGENT THOUGHTFUL KIND FUNNY TRUSTWORTY
And above all I am sure you will agree he is a great tipper. Show the money in the air!
(BUT SERIOUSLY) Besides the Mickey taking – I better get a bit serious here and say that mark is a seriously good bloke and a kinder man you couldn't hope to meet.
I first met Mark in our Irish Studies class, where we use to sit and ponder over famous Irish plays and poems. My first impression Mark was that he is the traditional tall, dark and handsome man, I later that day found out that I needed glasses! In all seriousness, we had very similar sense of humors and similar backgrounds, so we hit it off straight away. In this class we were allowed a ten-minute break, were we use to go out and have a cigarette on a bench.
Anyway, we were sitting on this bench one-day having a smoke, when this pretty girl with shoulder length hazel hair kind of glided passed us. Suddenly, Marks eyes popped out of his head, smoke came out of his ears and his tongue rolled out of his mouth. Now, automatically assumed that this was the effect of this girl walking passed but it turned out to be the effect of the stuff we were smoking that w bought of a guy called the wizard.
The girl with hazel hair went by the name of Helen Rich, and she kind of resembled a cute gremlin. Mark soon became great friends with the gremlin, but unfortunately had to admire her from a far, due to the fact she was going out with some hippie in college that went by the name of the name of (pause) the wizard!
Regardless, Marks admiration for Ms Rich was never disclosed all through college and he was going to put it down to the one that got away! Mark and Helen both gained places at University and went off to embark on their future. However to marks astonishment! He quickly found out that the hazel haired beauty, the girl of his dreams, the one and only Ms Helen Rich, was actually at the same University as him.
Now, the best thing about this situation was that the wizard wasn't around, but the unfortunate thing for their pending relationship was the fact that there was lots of other girls around. Marks popularity grew strong in Leeds, and poor Helen's didn't! So, the original friendship they built up in college was beginning to crack and crumble and cute gremlin Helen was turning into nasty gremlin.
Both went there separate ways as the years progressed, Mark got a job at Jaguar where he worked his way up to account Manager, Helen became a primary school teacher, and I suppose that the old friends never even thought about each other again. Until, I bumped into Helen quite by chance one day and we began discussing the old days, she asked me if I ever see a one Mr Mark Fahey at all.
It just so happens that Mark and myself are drinking buddies and we see each other every week, I gave Helen his number and told her to give him a ring. Helen wasted no time either because the following week we were sitting in a taxi going into town to meet Helen. Our conversation in the taxi was mainly who was going to cop off with her. I said that I am going to go for her to which Mark replied that if you do "I ma going to break your neck"
We met Helen and all got drunk, now the good thing about Mark when his drunk, he seems to fall asleep and start snoring, and right on cue he did! So, I remember dancing with Helen at the time and thinking to myself that it like was trying to tame a bull in a field. I think that I did make a move on Helen when Mark couldn't move and she politely declined my advances for quick snog and went over to Mark and gave the bear a hug.
I never heard from Mark for about six months after the weekend with Helen, which I thought was a bit strange because I use to speak with every week. Then one Friday evening I received a phone call from Mark in a drunken state repeating these words "I am getting married, I am getting married, and guess what? She purposed to me!
Yes, the old romantic Helen got down on one knee-looked mark in the eyes and said, "Mark! Would marry me?" to which he replied, "buy me a another couple of pints and I will think about it.
It was all-true, Helen being the old romantic that she is, instead of bringing Mark to Venice or Paris to propose, selected the black horse public house in Aston. When Mark told me he was getting married I have to admit I was shocked. You see I had already got to know Helen and had always thought she was quite intelligent. However, the couple moved in together and began saving for there wedding immediately, they spent a lot of time indoors whilst saving for the wedding.
I remember talking to Mark before the wedding and I said that now you have taken the big step of embarking on your journey into adulthood, I suppose the next big step is children. Mark then told me that they have no plans to have any children just at the moment. So, I asked him why doesn't he get a dog? He agreed, and we both began discussing names for the dog. I remember some of the names that came up were Rover, Bob and Fred. I then asked Mark, "well, why don't you call the dog sex"? To which he replied, "are you kidding! You know how clean and tidy Helen is? She wouldn't want sex on the carpet in the bed or on the floor."
On that note I am going to draw my speech to its conclusion, I have to anyway because Mark said to me this morning "how is my throat" to which I replied that its fine. He then said, if you make the speech too long it won't be because I will snap it.
But – In Helen- I think you will agree, Mark found someone not only Gorgeous,
But Intelligent.
Sophisticated.
Trustworthy.
Organized
and Fundamentally A Decent person.
And in return – Well Helen, got Mark
But in all sincerity, I have Known Mark for many years mow and he has been a wonderful friend to me in every sense of the word, as Helen. All I can wish them is every success in the world and that they remain friends of mine for along time to come.
Can I ask everyone to put their hands together for Mark and Helen. (After the crowd have finished applauding say) Now, can ask you all to put your hands together for me.