Speech by James Ednie

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: James Ednie
Speech Date: 31/05/2012 19:51:50

Opening & Introduction

Ladies and gentlemen, let me start by offering my personal congratulations to the bride and groom. It's great to be involved on the happiest day of Craig's life, as he was involved in the happiest day of mine. That's right, Craig was there stood by my side when I was served my first pint in the Rose & Crown at the age of fifteen.

For those of you that don't know me, my name is James and for those of you who dropped off during Craig's epic speech I am his best man.

Craig has been my best mate for as far back as I can remember and this was certainly confirmed when he became the only person I knew of to own an Atari Lynx. He also had a great collection of magazines which he used to keep under his wardrobe.

No, seriously, Craig has been a great friend to me over the years and I am honoured to be his best man today.

Compliments

Now, I'm sure you will all agree that the barmaids look beautiful today…Sorry, the bridesmaids! The bridesmaids look beautiful today. They are outshone only by the bride herself. Tash, may I say you look absolutely stunning.

Craig, you don't look too bad yourself, although, I am a little disappointed that you've copied my outfit.

Groom Stories

Tash, you thought you'd signed the register in church, you didn't. I managed to slip the vicar a few quid before the service and what you actually signed was a disclaimer for my speech and therefore, I hold no responsibility for any problems the content may cause.

Now, where do I start!

One of Craig's favourite past times is drinking. Before we were able to purchase our own alcohol and on evenings when his Mum and Dad went out, Craig used to invite me round for refreshments. Yes, Linda and John, if you didn't already know this is what happened to all of your booze. You didn't really think we wanted to stay in to watch the Eurovision Song Contest did you? Well, apart from Gina G.

Keen on camping and respected Scouts, Craig, Chris and I would often erect a tent in the back garden in order to consume the stolen alcohol away from the suspecting parents. However, without the luxury of an en-suite and not wanting to be detected by the Turnbull search lights, we had to access the house to use the toilet. This meant walking through the living room past Linda and John, each time less coordinated and coherent than the last.

In the morning, still under the illusion that our antics remained undetected, Craig would perform a commando roll under the half opened garage door, run to the end of the road and dispose of the evidence over the fence of the Scout hut.

Stealing our parents’ alcohol became very popular and we could often be seen with a bike flask full of mixed spirits or a few bottles vintage wine at favoured locations around the village. The need for Craig's parents to provide for his habit soon came to an end when he managed to grow some bizarre ‘Zidane’ style sideburns, make a Charlton Football Club fake ID on his PC and started to lose his hair which meant he could pretty much get served anywhere. Summer ’97 was the best on record.

During our later teenage years we would religiously attend a club in Maidstone called ‘Atomics’. Atomics was the venue for one of Craig and Tash's first dates. I'm still not sure what exactly happened in there but they both ended up getting thrown out by the bouncers! The imagination runs wild. Actually, I'm surprised we're all sat here today as their first couple dates ended with Craig passed out next to Tash on a sofa unable to speak.

Looking back, I struggled to see what Tash saw in Craig. Then it came to me, who would be able to resist a man of 5ft in height, that drove a white Austin Metro and thought Napoleon stood on the column in Trafalgar Square. What a catch!

I organised Craig's stag do in Brno in the Czech Republic, which is a coincidence as Craig's teddy bear is also called Bruno! Craig treated Brno just like home and within hours he was swearing at the locals, falling asleep in bars and being sick in the street. Nothing ever changes.

On the first day he decided to dress as a Hawaiian Hula Girl, his outfit consisted of a grass skirt, coconut bra, flower necklace and most randomly aviator sunglasses. He said it was one of Tash's favourites. On the second day he sported a pink lycra body suit. Unfortunately, this wasn't the only pink suit we had the displeasure of seeing him in that weekend. We went along with it after all it was his stag do.

On another stag do we both attended in Paris and feeling the affects of a few beers I managed to get separated from everyone else. Finally accepting I was lost and with no taxi driver having the faintest idea where the hostel was I thought who better to call then my best mate Craig who would no doubt be concerned for my well being by now. Little did I know that he was also lost and my phone call was greeted with the words ‘Elf, it's important that you find me!’ After another hour of wandering the streets I managed to locate him. Our embrace must have been one of the strangest things witnessed under the clock at North Station at 5:30 in the morning. We eventually made it back to the hostel at 7:30.

Craig, you've been very lucky as most stories about you incriminate me as well and have therefore, been excluded. However, the uncensored version will be available in the bar after the watershed.

Telegrams

As best man I understand it is my responsibility to read out some cards and telegrams sent from people who were not able to attend. I'll just do a couple..

TELEGRAM FROM SALLY

– to Craig and Natasha.

Hope you have a wonderful day; sorry we can't be there, lots of love.

Charles Farkin, Mary Farkin and the whole Farkin family.

Advice

I've now reached the part of my speech where I should offer the newlyweds some advice.

Struggling for inspiration I turned to my wife and asked “as a couple who have been married for eight months, what advice would you give to Craig and Tash?” Without hesitation she replied “don't get married!” And I thought I was the model husband.

Considering you've been together twelve years already, the best advice I can give to you both, is carry on doing what you are doing. It seems to have worked so far.

I'd like to ask the bride and groom to participate now, don't worry it's not the upper hand gag. Craig and Tash, can you stand and face each other, link hands and gaze into each others eyes. Now, I just want to make you aware that statistically, you are looking into the eyes of the person most likely to murder you! Hopefully it will never happen.

Sincerity

In the last thirty years I can hardly remember having a cross word with Craig, which I think is a testament to a great friendship and for that I thank you and I hope we're still friends when I have finished.

Craig's ready for married life and he couldn't have chosen a better person to share it with. Now parents always hope their daughter finds a reliable, sensible and considerate partner and that she makes the right choices. Tash chose Craig who in my opinion is the ideal choice and a credit to his parents.

I'm sure everybody agrees you make a great couple and it's been a pleasure to be part of this celebration of your clear love towards one another.

Toast

It gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast for Craig and Natasha. We wish them the very best for the future.

Ladies and gentlemen. To the bride and groom.

I'd like to leave you all with one last thought: Should a couple embarking on marriage be frank and earnest? Or should one of them be a girl?

Thanks everyone, hope you enjoy the rest of the day.