Speech by James Ivens

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: James Ivens
Speech Date: May2005
Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is James and today I have the greatest honour of being James’ (or as I and his only other mate like to call him – Mezza's) Best Man. Before I begin I must take this opportunity to state what a privilege it is to be given the task of insulting Mezza in public………..I've been looking forward to this day for a… very….long…time!

First things first… I feel compelled to say what a truly wonderful wedding it was on April the 9th. The groom looked exceptionally regal, a leader amongst men and some would even dare to say handsome!!! and yet the bride… mmmmmm… what can I say… she could have made more of an effort! All we got was a buck-tooth, wrinkly-old cart-horse… (gap)… and that's being diplomatic!

I am of course Ladies and Gentlemen, talking about Charles and Camilla, who had the audacity to share their little gathering with my best mate, Mezza and his new beautiful and may I say very-well tanned bride, Leanne.

So now… I ask you to cast your minds back to their very special day in April. but to save a little time I will remind you of the big day. What did we have… A pretty church, an excellent Vicar, a glamorous car, glorious flowers, beautiful bridesmaids in Gemma, Fern, Etta and Annabel; some stunning ushers in Jon, Barney, Tom, Steve and Simon, a strikingly beautiful bride in Lea, and an excellent, fantastic, super, extraordinary, top dollar best man. Wow- what a day… oh and Mezza, he looked alright, I guess.

At this point (serious moment) I'm sure you would agree that we should all take this opportunity to thank both the Mother and Father of the bride, Lorette and Steve for their hardwork in making the church so lovely and for providing all of us with a feast and glass of bubbly afterwards.

Right… now on with the silly stuff…Mezza and I have been great friends for as long as I can remember. In that time, I've been a partner in crime on many occasions and, in the quieter moments, a confidant for Mezza to whom he can tell anything – which has provided me with ample material for my speech this evening.

Although I could talk to you for days about my mate Mezza, today, I'm just going to pin point two life- altering moments in his life that I was lucky enough to bare witness to and hopfully he'll find really embarrassing – that I would love to share with everyone here today – that's right Mezza – be afraid – be VERY AFRAID!

To start off – we have the Grooms’ love for all things do with himself. It's easy to see from today that Mezza, impeccably dressed, has always been an image-conscious sort of guy. In fact, he once admitted to me that his favourite forms of indoor entertainment were TV, Playstation and mirrors – in reverse order.

Fashion, as we can see is at the forefront of Mezza’ image so when David Beckham (style guru and footballing icon) gained a scar down one of his eyebrows, Mezza decided that the best form of flattery was imitation! Alas, he can be a little cack-handed and ended up with half an eyebrow. I think it was for the best part of 3 months that he had to fill it in with eyeliner everytime he went out.

In fact on one particular quiet evening at Kent University, Mezza took his appearance fascination just a little bit too far! Was he lonely or just ‘curious’ – we'll never know! Anyway – Always happy to try new things, Mezza decided to explore his feminine side. Living with three girls at Uni, Kate, Bev and Jo, there was always ample opportunity for Mezza to try the newest girly products on the market. (and let me add, that he never needed any encouraging from the 3 ladies)

So one bored Saturday morning our groom here decided to the paint his ten little lovely-lady toenails in a bright shade of pink – to complement his complexion… so he told us – and all was fine and dandy as he confidently minced about the house pretending he was the new Graham Norton!

However, up early the next day for football and while in the showers with the real boys, Kent's Number 1 goalkeeper looked back and really wished he'd taken notice of 3 more little words from the girls – nail varnish remover. Suffice to say – The stories I've just mentioned still go round our Uni crowd today, so much-so, that my main-man here, PC James Murrell, even on his days off, cannot comfortably walk the streets of Canterbury without his truncheon and his handcuffs – just in case he needs them for a little one-on-one with one of the boys (say that last bit in a gay voice)!

And now, just quickly, I would now like to present Steve here with a little gift, a gesture from the Best Man to the Father of the bride, a present I think that will sit proudly on his sitting room wall reminding him of what a special little flower he has in his new son-in-law! (present Father of Bride with Mezza in-Bikini holiday Photo)

My second story is to do with my mate here's relationship with alcohol. Since he was 16, the Groom here has had a dubious bond with drinking. In Year 10 after an infamous school trip to see Macbeth, Mezza was embarrassingly nicknamed "two-pint-murrell" by our head of year after he threw up over an entire three aisles of a coach!

>From here Mezza took his drinking adventures to University where he rightfully earned the nickname "Shandy", for whilst all of his hard-drinking team-mates sunk pint after pint of the proper ale after each game, our Mezza here would quietly request Lager-Shandies from the barman. To Mezza’ dismay, the barman soon shopped him to the club captain, and Mezza was barred from ever ordering a Shandy again within a 10-mile radius of Canterbury's city walls.

However, his most embarrassing entanglement came in Mezza’ last year at Uni where he decided to challenge his ‘light-weight’ tag. One Thursday night Mezza and myself decided to have a proper knees up and head up to the University nightclub, the "Venue". We put some 80’s compilation cds on, dressed up in our most outlandish shirts, and after necking a few bottles of wine, snake-bites and what seemed like a pint of vodka each, we headed up the hill happy as Larry about Nine O’ clock.

Everything started off well, with both of us pulling off our legendary A-HA take-on-me dance routine in front of an audience of adoring female student-fans…(yeah right!) and after afew more pound-a-pints we were deliriously happy boogieing along to MC Hammer shouting at anyone that would listen that they "Can't touch this" – whilst pointing toward our thrusting pelvises!
…and then Bam! The drunken stouper hit us simultaneously! Out for the count, collapsing and gasping for air. Whilst I headed for the loos double-quick – Mezza here, unable to find me, ran out to the open campus air. Now from this point onwards neither of us are unsure what really happened – but by piecing together key forensic details and fragments of stories from witnesses, here is a reconstruction of the events that followed:

I managed to stumble across the toilets, whereby, always aware of my own comfort, proceeded to lay down a bed of toilet roll over the urine-ridden floor and crumpled asleep.

Mezza here, lost in a hazy world of drunken lunacy staggered out of the club and collapsed into a muddy ditch and found himself unable to surmount the means to find his way out of his 2 foot high trench.

In the meantime, bouncers had located the sleeping drunk in the loos, smashed down the door, and dragged me out onto the cold pavement outside the nightclub – telling me to ‘find my bloody mate and get out of here!’

Mezza here, by utilising all of his mighty air-cadet training, managed to cling onto some loose branches, gaining some traction, and hailed himself to the top of the 2-foot high ridge and began crawling home with his head between his knees and mud covering his face.
Apparently, according to passers-by and a collection of police reports, although battered and bruised, caked in mud and the smell of alcohol drenched in our clothes… both of us managed to make it home to bed safely… yes Mezza – a night to definitely remember…
… It's just a shame that it was still only a quarter past nine!

So anyway, Mezza, I think I've embarrassed you enough now, so I think its time for the serious stuff:

Mezza here is the best mate anyone could hope for: he's generous, funny, kind and considerate – just like me… and I'm sure you will all agree that in Lea he has found a wonderful, loyal and caring wife. They truly are a very special couple.

Lea, I've known you now for over a year – and I know that if anyone can keep Mezza on the straight and narrow, and out of the beauty parlours, its you.

And Lea, if you don't mind, I'd just like to quickly tell everyone, especially Mezza, about an urgent phone call I received in the early hours of the wedding day…

At 6am, April the 9th… my phone rings… ‘Ivens, its Lea here, I know you've been to quite a few weddings, I was hoping you could give me a few quick tips about the church and how to enjoy my wedding day’.
‘Ok, I thought, after all, what are best men for’, so I told her, ‘Lea, when getting married, there are just three simple rules to follow to enjoy the wedding. Rule 1, Remember to walk down the aisle, keep walking straight and don't trip up!, the key word here to remember is aisle – remember AISLE. Rule 2, you've got to remember to stop at the alter, so remember the key word, ALTER. Now lastly, Rule 3, you have to remember to relax and enjoy the Hymms, because before you know it, the day will be over, so remember they key rule – HYMM. So there you have it – three easy steps to have the perfect wedding – Lea, repeat those three words as you walk into the church and you'll have the perfect marriage’… ‘Ok, she said, easy… I'll just keep on reciting this to myself as I walk down the church… AISLE, ALTER, HYMM… AISLE, ALTER, HYMM… I'LL ALTER HIM!

So Mezza – watch out!

To conclude, I would like to say to Mezza that it has been a special honour to be your best man.
And to everyone in this room, on behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank you all for helping them celebrate their marriage and this very special day in their lives, and specially I'd like thank Steve and Lornette, Tom and Janette, you have all really helped to make both their wedding and this day a real success.

So, with me pretty much done, It gives me great pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding and join me in toasting the new Mr and Mrs. Murrell – and may there marriage shine as brightly and radiantly and Mezza’ sun-burnt nose!