Speech by James Lawton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: James Lawton
Speech Date: Jul2006
Good afternoon everybody. For those of you that don't know me, my name is James and I'm Chris's little brother. He's asked me to be best man today and I'd like to start with the easiest part of the job which is to thank him on behalf of the bridesmaids and page boys for his kind words. I'd also like to add my own compliments to Kate, who I think you'll agree, looks absolutely stunning today! Chris, on the other hand, just looks stunned!

Ladies and Gentlemen…….… every now and again we have the rare opportunity to talk about a man who is witty, charming, good looking and intelligent…………………Although obviously not today, as this speech is about Chris.

In fact, I'd like to say a big thank you to Chris, for giving me this fantastic opportunity to be his best man. Since he asked me, eight months ago, there have been a number of significant enhancements to my life.

For example:

Every time I've sat down for five minutes to relax, I've had the opportunity to enjoy the warm thought that I still haven't written my truly funny speech.

Knowing that the best man's speech is supposed to be the highlight of the reception has also helped to keep my sleeping pattern regular, at once every other night.

Being confident that everyone will laugh uncontrollably at every word I utter has motivated me to cut down on the number of bottles of lager I drink a night. I think it's fair to say that changing to the 3 litre size has also worked out a bit cheaper.

And just anticipating the sheer glory of speaking to a highly expectant audience has offered me the opportunity to sample some interesting new foods, such as Valium and Prozac.

Now, before I get started, there some very strict rules for listening to my best mans speech:

1. Please ensure that you laugh every time I stop speaking.
2. Under no circumstances are you to barrack me at any point during my speech.
3. Please don't shout out your own jokes, as they are likely to be funnier than mine, causing me significant embarrassment.
4. At no point should you mumble “aaaah, shame” during that awkward silence after one of my best jokes.
5. Please do feel free to clap and whoop uncontrollably in a very genuine manner when the speech is finished.
And please remember, THE MORE YOU LAUGH THE SOONER IT'LL BE OVER FOR ALL OF US!

Firstly though, before we go any further, I'd like to thank the Vicar for what was a truly lovely service. Chris did tell me that the vicar was firmly against sex before marriage. However, Kate did assure him it would only take a couple of minutes.

OK. Having researched the job of best man, there were apparently a number of things that I was responsible for. Here are a few of them:

1. Make sure the groom gets a good night sleep before the wedding day. Well, I'm pleased to say that he slept like a baby…… he wet the bed twice and woke up crying for his mummy.
2. Ensure that the groom has his shoelaces tied, his flies done up and uses the toilet before the service. Well I can vouch for the shoelaces and flies, but preferred not to check the contents of the toilet
3. Make sure his face and hair are in order. I think that this duty was quite unfair, if God couldn't do it the first time I'm not sure what chance I'd got?
4. On the wedding day, bring a credit card and plenty of cash in case
there is anything the groom may have forgotten to pay for. Well, that was easy as ever since I've known Chris, I've had to do this so that's nothing new!

Now, before I go on to belittle Chris in every unfair way I can think of, I'd like to start by giving him some advice, which I hope he will find useful in the years to come.

Chris –
1. There are 5 rings involved in marriage: Engagement ring, wedding ring,
suffering, torturing and enduring.
2. Always remember to tell your wife those 3 important little words . &quotYou're right
darling&quot.
3. Make sure you get on with your mother-in-law. One of my
friends didn't speak to his mother in law for two years. It wasn't because
he didn't like her, it's just that he thought it was rude to interrupt.
As I didn't want to leave Kate out, I looked around for examples of good advice for the newlywed bride, and in my search came across a book called “The Good Wife Guide”.

I'm going to read a couple of extracts from this genuine 1960’s book and I'm sure you will all agree that taking heed from such a guide will stand the happy couple in good stead for the future!!!!!!:
Now I've not made these up, they are real extracts from the text of the book:

“When your husband returns home from work, listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first and remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.”

“Once your husband has had a chance to eat his evening meal, clear away the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help, decline his offer, as after a long working day he does not need this extra work”

“Once you have both retired to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the up most importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would for a train!!!!”

“However, remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers, wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking for a man last thing at night!!!!!”

“When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband, it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. It is likely that your husband will then fall asleep, so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair products”!!!!

Well, I'm sure that at least half of us here would agree with this sound advice!!!

So what about Chris?

For those of you who don't know Chris so well I will try now to give you little overview of what he's about.

For those of you who DO know him well – you have my sympathy.

Chris was born on the 23rd June, 1965 and looking at him now it's not too big a stretch of your imagination for you to accept that frankly, he was an ugly baby.

In fact when he was born the midwife slapped his parents.
It's a little known fact that Chris was nearly called Friday, as Mum turned to Dad after Chris was born and said, “I think we'd better call it a day!”

He was never a very popular child and I remember we had to tie a bone round his neck just to get the dog to play with him.
School

Unfortunately being Chris's younger brother I didn't pay attention to his schooling, but I did find an old school report in my garage, whilst moving house recently which said:

‘He was an ideal pupil who excelled in most subjects’
Sorry, that should read:

“He was an idle pupil, who was expelled from most subjects”!!!!!!

Math's – Although very keen, Chris has a distinct problem differentiating between inches and centimeters!!!!!! I think he still has that problem today!

Religious Education – Christopher's understanding of Christianity is very poor, so much so, that he still believes Phil Collins wrote the book of Genesis!!!!!!

As far as having Chris as a brother was concerned, I have mixed experiences of his influences on me. Chris was an expert big brother and he excelled at putting me down and holding me to ransom. For a period of around 5 years he had me convinced that I had such appalling breath that in any situation the words ‘Shut up, Dog Breath’ would send me cowering into the corner. This statement would was usually reserved for use in public and would invariably override any advantage that I may have had over him at the time.

If he ever caught me doing something I shouldn't be, he would save the story knowing that he would get good mileage out of it before finally spilling the beans. There was one particular instance when I had taken one of the fondue spikes which we used to keep on the hearth, heated it up in the flame of the fire and then used it to pierce a hole in the plastic flame effect logs. This was a very silly young boy thing to do and, lucky me, Chris caught me in the act.

Well, for a whole he year held me to ransom with those immortal words ‘I'll tell……’ . No matter what I had on him, he had me convinced that I would lose out in the exchange of telltales. At the end of this long year, I'd finally had enough and so soon after his last ‘I'll tell….’ Line, I actually went and fetched Mum myself and showed her what I'd done to the fire. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when all she said was “You're a very naughty boy and don't do it again”. Around 20 seconds of telling off versus a whole year of blackmail. Shocking.
Of course, being the younger brother, I was never bright enough to capitalize on anything naughty things that he did……….… Until now that is………

When we were in our early teens, we were out playing in the local woods nearby, when Chris stumbled across an old magazine. A magazine of somewhat dubious content. It was in a ditch, half covered in mud and was soaking wet through. You can only imagine how it got there. Well, Chris had never seen anything so fantastic in his life. In fact, he was so elated to have made such a find, that he took the magazine home and hid it. Later that day, when Mum and Dad were out, he got out the iron and ironing board, and ironed all the pages dry. One by one.

Sorry, Chris. That puts us level on the holes in the log fire.

Other great advantages of having a big brother were when we shared a bedroom at home. His favourite late night pastime would be the ‘night night’ game. The way this would work would be that I always wanted to go to sleep before he did, whereas, Chris would want to keep me awake until he was ready to sleep. So my light would go out. He would then say ‘night’. I would then say ‘night’. There would be a few seconds pass by and the he would say ‘night night’ and wait for me to say the same. If I didn't answer, he would simply keep on saying ‘night night’ until I did. Inevitably I would finally respond with ‘night night’ only for him follow up with something like ‘Right, Night then’ and so the game would go on until he lost interest. Usually some 10 or 15 minutes on average. I think it's fair to say that Chris is the reason that my psychiatrist has such lavish holidays.

On a brighter note, Chris got a job before me and so had some disposable cash. I was quick to take advantage of this situation resulting in Chris buying me numerous pints at the Canal Tavern in Kidsgrove. 22 years have passed since then, and I'm sure he still feels a sense of loss.
Another benefit would be that I would get occasional lifts in his glorious, pea green Fiat 127, complete with at least a dozen go faster stripes. This was Chris's babe magnet and he was convinced that it was the envy of the town. With it's gutsy 950 engine they couldn't fail to be impressed. In reality of course, if he'd bothered to check his rear view mirror occasionally, he would have seen the V signs that everybody showed him as he screeched by at 60 miles an hour in 2nd gear. Wheelspinning this beauty was also a favourite of his, which added to his popularity

All joking apart, Chris has looked out for me over the years in many ways and has helped me out of a multitude of sticky situations. Unfortunately, the nice stories don't make the front page during the best mans speech. Sorry Chris.
Well, I think that's enough to keep him embarrassed for now. There are only a couple of other things to do, one of which is to read out a few cards:

Dear Kate
It was nice while it lasted, but I guess we'll have to call it a day now you're married.
From Brad Pitt

To Chris and Kate
Sorry we can't be with you today.
Best wishes form John and Mary Farkin…and the whole Farkin family.

This one's from the Rifleman Football Team:
Dear Kate,
We've had Chris playing for us for some time now. We've tried him in every position and he's useless.

We hope you have more luck.

Finally, I was wondering what I could do to make the end of my speech as memorable as possible. Was there something I could do that would remind you of this speech, or more importantly, the groom himself. And then it came to me…….… Please would you all now reach under your seat where you will find an envelope containing something for you to keep. under each seat at the reception, there is a compromising picture of the groom, sealed in an envelope with “do not open until asked to by the best man” written on it, just in case anybody finds one by accident.

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for not falling asleep and may I ask you to raise you glasses to Chris and Kate, also known as, Mr and Mrs Lawton!!!!!!!