Speech by James Parry

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: James Parry
Speech Date: Jul 1999
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, I'm the Best Man, and my name is James "Can I get you a drink". Please don't be afraid to say hello later. I'm only going to talk for a few minutes because of my throat – Kate said she'd cut it if I'm here too long.

Before I begin with Marcus’ character assassination, I would like to thank the Bridesmaids for performing their roles so well and continuing to look so good throughout the day, despite this intense heat. I must say it has been a wonderful day and a very emotional wedding – even the cake was in tiers!

So, what about Marcus? Marcus was born in December, 1973, in Leicester, where he spent most of his formative years – which explains some of his more bizarre habits. It is interesting to note that shortly after Marcus was born, family planning became available free on the NHS.

He spent his school years a happy go lucky child with an apparent singing talent. My sources have informed me that Marcus was a regular on the school stage, having such roles as one of the eight maids a milking from the 12 days of Christmas and a performance singing "There's a hole in my bucket". But Marcus has always had the characteristics of a good actor – a booming voice, as anyone who has had the misfortune to speak to Marcus on the phone will verify. He also the proud owner of an inventive and imaginative mind. For example, who else in this room would, in a drunken state, after vomiting on their parents’ carpet think to clean up the mess with their mothers’ vacuum cleaner? Genius – the perfect crime, providing you remember to empty the bag. So did you empty the bag, Marcus?

Now, Marcus has always been macho and maintains that he wasn't at all nervous about getting married today, so I'd like him to explain why I found this in his toilet this morning? (I hold up a brick) … Think about it!

This brings me to an unfortunate time of my life – when I met Marcus. Our times at Van Mildert College of Durham University were times I personally will never forget. Although the nightmares are becoming less of a problem now. Seriously though, when I think back to those carefree days of University, I cannot help but think of the numerous college discos and Monday night trips to Newcastles Ritzy's Night-club, where I was to witness the raw, and still undiscovered talent of Marcus’ rhythm. Regularly he would empty the dance floor with his unique style of dancing which left the women speechless. By speechless, I mean none of them ever spoke to him.

Whilst at University, I introduced Marcus to the sport of rugby. Whilst Captain of the college 2nd 15, I tried him at several positions and found that he was useless at all of them – I only hope you have better luck, Kate. And be gentle with him as his bones break easily.

One of the other memorable things about Marcus was his list making. Marcus could take any activity and write a list for it. Which reminds me – the list of things not to mention in the speech wouldn't fit in the car.

After University, Marcus took up another sport – swimming. It was here that Marcus met Kate. Their bloodshot eyes met across the crowded pool and Marcus’ rhythm again showing in his swimming wooed Kate. I heard that Marcus was stalking Kate and followed her out of his depth, when he realised, he panicked and started flapping about like a drowning rabbit. Kate rescued him and gave him the kiss of his life on the poolside. However, Marcus insists that this version of events is not true, and Kate just regrets it and wishes she'd have invested some of her hard-earned cash in a pair of good goggles!

I remember speaking to Kate when we were introduced. She told me that the first time she laid eyes on Marcus she thought he was handsome from afar, but earlier she said she now thought he was far from handsome!

When Marcus met Kate, nothing else mattered. He got all girlie and invested all of his time seeing Kate. He developed a conscience and became vegetarian. He still maintains that he had been thinking about it for years, although I am a veggie and not once during our 3 years at college did he do anything but take the piss out of me for being veggie.

We may ask, as I certainly have, what does Kate see in Marcus? Well, they say love is blind, and marriage is a real eye-opener. So I'd just like to say, Marcus, you are a lucky man marrying Kate today. She deserves a good husband … so it's a good job you married her before she found one!

Speaking of Kate, I would like to say how lovely she looks today – dressed in that fantastic white dress … you won't have any trouble blending in with everything else in the kitchen.

Finally, whilst researching this speech (yes it was prepared!!!) I asked some of the couples I knew for advice for Marcus & Kate on having a happy life together.

Remember – marriage is not a word, it's a sentence. You get less for murder.
There are 5 rings involved in marriage: Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering, torturing and enduring.
Always tell your wife those 3 important little words … "you're right dear".
Don't upset the mother-in-law, it usually upsets the wife as well!
One man I asked said "I muttered a few words in church and I was married. A year later, I muttered a few words in my sleep and I was divorced".
Statistics prove that 50% of people who get married on a sunny day are women.
A few definitions of Love, Lust & Marriage:
Love – When you share everything you own.
Lust – When you steal everything you own.
Marriage – when the bank owns everything.

Love – When you phone each other to say "Hi".
Lust – When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
Marriage – When you phone each other to bitch about work.

Love – When you write poems about your partner.
Lust – When all you write is your phone number.
Marriage – When all you write is cheques.

Love – When your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust – When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage – When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love – When all the songs on the radio describe how you feel.
Lust – When the song on the radio decides how you do it.
Marriage – When you listen to talk radio.

And this one's from Colin:

Love – When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust – When you're only interested in doing things to your partner.
Marriage – When you're only interested in your golf score.

All that remains now is for me to wish Marcus and Kate a happy Marriage and Honeymoon, which I'm told is the time between "I DO" and "YOU'D BETTER".

Before I leave you all, I would like to read out some of the messages of those people who couldn't be hear today.

These are included with the real messages (the people are made up!):

Marcus’ Friend John – Sorry I couldn't be there today, but I wasn't invited! Please send a picture of the Bride & Groom mounted anyway!
From Joel – Marcus, as you always said – love is all about honour, get on her and stay on her!
From Brian – Best Wishes. It has been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I hope you realise that anyone who believes that knows little about women or fractions.
From Steve & Amy – I hope you have a truly special day, sorry we can't be there with you. We've sent a present we hope you will use – it's a PERKY COPULATOR, sorry, that's COFFEE PERCULATOR!
Seriously, on behalf of the Bride & Groom, I'd like to thank you for sharing their day. I planned this speech for minutes and it must feel like I've been delivering it for hours. But it now gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Marcus and Kate – because I think they were made for each other. May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever. To the Bride & Grooms future happiness.