Speech by James Roach

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: James Roach
Speech Date: Oct2006
Good evening ladies &amp gentlemen.

For those of you who don't know me I'm James, Matthew's best friend of 15 years, and today I have the honor of being Matthews best man. And for those of you who do now me, I'm either, James, Fisher, Fish, Roach or for those in Thailand Jame Bond!

Please go easy on me as today it's my first experience as a best man. In fact I haven't actually been to that many weddings, which is probably not that surprising when you take a look at my mates.

I would first of all like to start this speech by thanking you all for coming here today to celebrate the marriage of Matthew and Victoria and also to thank you Matthew for asking me to be your best man, it really is a pleasure and an honor to fulfill the role, and for you to finally admit after all these years that I am indeed the best man!!

It's been no secret to those of you who now me that over the last few weeks I have been pretty nervous about standing here today for this speech. After taking some advice from a friend and asking ‘well how long should the speech last?’ I was told ‘traditionally as long as the groom makes love’ ……… So thank you ladies &amp gentleman &amp have a good evening.

I would like to congratulate Matthew &amp Victoria on their happy day and say, Victoria you look absolutely stunning, and Matthew you don't look too bad yourself. I can't believe you copied my outfit through! Speaking of which, it's a good job that the suit fitters didn't mix ours up, or we could have been in a spot of bother this morning.

Actually everyone looks great today, and I hope you will all agree that so far it has been a truly great day. Steve it's the first time I've seen you in a shirt &amp tie and you actually scrub up quite well. You could have at least got your hair cut through! And Neil it's nice to see you actually put some clothes on. After Thursday night, I didn't think you'd bother.

As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to ‘sing the grooms praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well I'm sorry but I can't sing and I won't lie.

Anyway a few words about the main man himself, I will now do my best to make this the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of Matthews's life. Just for the record the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of Victoria's life will be coming later on, courtesy of Matthew.

I can see it now, Victoria laying there in Matthews arms, holding her close whilst he tells her how wonderful he is

I'd like to share a few misfortunes Matthew has experienced in my company. First of all before any of you start to feel sorry for him, I've waited along time to seek revenge on Matthew ever since he shaved my eyebrows of when we were 20. So just see this as payback.

Oh and by the way that was actually Matthew's first ever shave.

Matthew, do you remember a few years ago when my mum and dad let us go on holiday to Calpe in Spain?

When we arrived my mum and dad took us out for a meal. For those of you who do know my family, you will know that my old man likes his red wine. Well I think that on this occasion it may have been Matthew's first experience.

We were at a lovely restaurant just on the beech, had a great meal and my dad insisted on Matthew having a glass of the red stuff with his meal. The problem was that as tradition for the old man, a glass of red normally turns into 2 or 3 bottles. Sorry dad.

Anyway 3 courses and 3 bottles later the party was in full swing and my dad had convinced Matthew that he should have just one more glass. I think the rhyme went something like ‘a bit of water, a bit of wine you'll be just fine!’

Well when we got back home, fine is hardly the word I'd have used. To get back home was a task in itself up a nice steep bank. Best here had the duty of carrying Matthew up the street.

After a nice evening stroll along the beach and a mountain of a hill to climb, we finally made it. I don't think we could have timed it any better. As soon as we were through the door, Matthew was straight in the bathroom and I think he spent most of the night with his head in the toilet.

Now normally this wouldn't be a problem, I'm sure most of us here have had the pleasure of this experience at one time or another. But Matthew had been that ill that he'd managed to block the toilet and made a complete mess of the bathroom. I don't think my mum wanted a red bathroom, but my dad had the pleasure in cleaning it all up!

I have too say, I don't think I've seen him with a glass of red in his hand since.

A few nights later my mum and dad had gone home and left us to our own devices. Well one night I think Stoke must have been playing on Sky but we couldn't get Sky sports to work. So Matthew did the clever thing in ringing Sky up and finding out what they were playing at.

I think the conversation went something like this..…

Matthew: Hi Its Malcolm Roach here I'm having difficulty in getting Sky sports to work.
Sky man: Oh right Ok Mr. Roach may I just ask you where you are?
Matthew: Yes certaninatly sir I'm in Spain
Sky man: Spain, do you realize Mr. Roach that your Sky TV License is only licensed here in the UK. I'm afraid I'm going to have to disconnect you until you return to England

Surprisingly Matthew has never returned to Calpe since.

On New Years Eve for the year 2000, we had a Millennium party at our house. It was a cracking night, everyone had a great time and there was surprisingly no trouble. Well maybe not that surprisingly as my dad had given Matthew the duty of doorman. There was no chance of any gatecrashers getting past him that night. You're wasted behind that desk at work mate.

Matthew and I have always enjoyed celebrating our birthdays by dressing up and visiting as many pubs as possible. Well one year we chose to do a golf related theme. Well neither of us is any good at golf so we stuck to what we know best and improvised. We decided to give each of our friends a golf/alcohol related name and do the annual pub crawl around Congleton.

Here's a few we came up with, lets see if you can all work out the real names.

1.Carling Montgomery
2.J.D. Singh
3.Cider Woods
4.Stella Ballesteros
5.Ernie Bells

That truly was a great day out

When I was writing this speech and I was thinking about what to put, I was trying hard to remember all the great stuff we'd achieved over the years and all the great places we'd been to. The only problem is, just about everything me and Matthew have done together have been alcohol related, so I can't remember them.

So with very few stories to tell you about, well at least that wouldn't cause the quickest divorce in history, I thought I'd look up there names and see what the true meaning was.

Apparently Victoria is of Latin origin and its meaning is VICTORY

And Matthew is of Hebrew origin and its meaning is GIFT OF THE LORD

So the only connection I could think of was Victoria must have won something in her life and her gift from god was, well Matthew. Some gift eh!

I overheard the bridesmaids all sharing a moment before the wedding, arguing about which one of them is to have the pleasure of being the first to dance with me. All I can say is girls…look one of you has too!!

Before I ask you all to join me in a toast to the happy couple and before I make myself more acquainted with the bar staff, I'd like to finish the speech by offering a few words of advice to the happy couple.

Bride…Remember that all men are like tiled floors…Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for years!

And Groom

All you need to remember is 3 very important words

You're right dear!

I'm coming to the end of my official duties as best man… which on the one hand is a massive relief, but on the other hand is a real disappointment, I really don't think that I could feel so proud as I have done today and feel so utterly terrified at the same time.

However, I thank you both for allowing me to play a part in such a wonderful day.

Now it gives me great pleasure to ask you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses:

May we wish them both all the happiness and luck in the world.

The Bride &amp Groom