Speech by James Roper

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: James Roper
Speech Date: 29/09/2010 13:06:50

Well thanks for that Steve, of all the introductions I've ever received, that was certainly the most recent.

Ive heard there's a sweepstake going round – put me down for 3 hrs 15.

I would like to re-iterate Stevens toast to the bridesmaids – and say they all look gorgeous today and have only rightly been outshone by Lucy.

Ladies and gents – It isn't often that I have the pleasure of speaking about a truly wonderful man – and today is no exception

For those of you who don't know me, my name is James, and I'm Steven's friend, cricket buddy, drinkin pal, rubbish dancing partner, and, for today at least, his best man.

In short, that means it was my responsibility to ensure he got to the church this afternoon on time, looking smart, and handsome.

The first of these was straight forward enough; the second was pretty much taken care of by Greenwoods, and the last? Well, the job description was ‘best man’ not miracle worker…

I was also to ensure that no angry ex-girlfriends showed up impromptu to spoil the ceremony. Thankfully this wasn't a problem as the recent outbreak of foot and mouth………… saw most of them either quarantined………..… or shot and burned, a couple of years ago. (Pause)

Firstly though, before we go any further, I'd like to thank the Vicar for what was a truly lovely service..… Steve did tell me that the vicar was firmly against sex before marriage. However, Lucy did assure him ………….it would only take a couple of minutes.

Before I launch into my carefully crafted assassination of Steve's character, I'd like to take the opportunity to put to good use some advice that a recently married friend gave me. Ropes, she said, whatever you do in your speech; don't forget to mention the bride! And let's be honest, how could I. Lucy, you look beautiful, and as Ste has already explained, I know that you have made my best mate the happiest man alive today.

I think you will all agree Lucy looks stunning today (applause??) …as opposed to Steven who looks like he was just won, in a village raffle.

Lucy and Steve – you are truly great friends, I'd like to point out to everyone here that in their relationship Steven wears the trousers………………… Lucy just decides which pair. (Pause)

I have the honour of being best man. And it is a great honour, but in all honesty I am actually a little nervous doing it………….… but I feel a bit comforted by the fact I have actually rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience at the local old peoples home….… think it went quite well, …………well they all pissed themselves.(Pause)

So What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings, a man who is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others have fallen.(Slower!!!)

A man who is beginning to distinguish himself at the very highest level amongst his peers, and where no one can say a bad word against him? (Wait)

But enough about me, what I`m really here for this afternoon is to talk about Steven Gardner.

Steven Matthew Gardner was born in Poole in Dorset on the 1st May 1981……………… I did try to link this with some large scale world event……… but it seems that nothing of much significance happened on that day………..… However, the staff at the Hospital still affectionately refer to it as ‘Monkey Birth Friday!

Looking at him now it's no stretch of the imagination to say that Steve was an ugly baby. Infact Tina only had morning sickness after he was born

In fact I remember a story Stevens mum once told me, when he was little – she got on the bus one day to take him to the shops, he must have only been about 4 months old. As she got on, the bus driver said to her “Blimey, That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!”. ..… Now Tina was obviously a bit cross..… so she went and sat at the back of the bus, fuming she was. A man next to her asked her what was up, so she tells him – “that bloody bus driver just insulted me!”

The man said back to her, “Come on, There's no need for that, why don't you go back up to the front there and give him a piece of your mind, here, I'll hold your monkey!” … (Pause)

He was a slightly slow starter as well, at playschool he was different from the other 5 year olds, he was 11.

As many of you will know, Steven is an estate agent, and so I thought it only right to tell a few estate agent jokes.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road, and a dead estate agent in the road?  Skid marks in front of the dog.

A man walked into a bar with a tiger and asked the barman, Do you serve estate agents here?

Yeah of course said the bartender.

Good, said the man. I'll have a lager……..… and I'll have an estate agent for my tiger

I don't actually have that much in the way of dirt on Steven, although we have known each other for approaching 20 years he is remarkably clean cut. He is the type of person who always has to be the best at everything he does, he has to have the best clothes, the best car, the best cricket gear, I can infact confirm that he has scored less runs this year playing for Harden Cricket Club, than he has spent pounds on all his cricket gear… A worthwhile return, im sure you'll agree Mr Cricket!

Id like to think that Anna and I had quite a large part to play in Ste and Lucy getting together, it was round about the time that Anna and I got together that Steve started showing an interest in Anna's friend Lucy, who played it cool for a good couple of months, ……………………and being honest she played an absolute blinder. The more cool she was, the more Steve wanted to impress her and this drove Steven mad – he is used to getting his own way and has never wanted for anything.

Knowing that Lucy was actually quite keen on Steven aswell – Anna and I decided a romantic meal would be a good idea for moving the situation on, so we booked a table at what was the Bossa Nova restaurant in Shipley, we started off with cocktails, Anna had Risotto, I had the lamb skewers, Lucy had fishcakes, Steven had the belly pork, and we had shots of sambuca on the house because the risotto wasn't cooked properly.… the risotto aside, I can safely say is the meal was a complete success, Lucy and Steve had their first kiss, and the rest as they say is history. 

I feel I must mention the Stag weekend end in Whitley Bay, between arm wrestling with members of the royal mail, jumped taxi's, go karting, the hairy lemon and banana Joes – I can safely say that I didn't let him do anything he wasn't supposed to, and although the law of the stag dictates, what goes on tour stays on tour, if you were in room 16 and then you have some serious explaining to do…these were returned to me in a jiffy bag after the weekend………… (Big Knicks Drucquer)

I know of one special reason why Lucy might be pleased that she has married Ste. I saw it myself when he got stripped off on the stage in Banana Joe's in Whitley Bay, he is blessed in the manhood department………………….… This must be quite common knowledge, and I know this as whenever I walk into a room with him everybody says, ‘Ey! Here comes Ste with that fat knob.’ (Pause)

Before I finish, let me say with all sincerity, that if Steven approaches marriage with the same spirit he's demonstrated in all the things we've done together, he is sure to make a success of it……..… Ever since I've know him he's been an unselfish team player. His commitment and determination are probably what Lucy saw first in him… that and his money. I'd like to express my heartfelt congratulations to you both, and to thank you for choosing me as best man. Having known Ste for over half my life, I think of him more like a brother now – an odd, slightly simple brother, maybe – but a brother nonetheless. All anecdotes aside, before I wrap things up, and against my better judgement, I'd just like to say a few positive things about Ste. I can honestly say he is a top bloke. He's easy going, fun-loving and great to be around, I've known him years and have had many, many great times together. On behalf of Anna and I, and all your friends and family here today I can honestly say we are all looking forward to enjoying many more great times with you, the new Mr and Mrs Gardner.

So ladies and gents, if you'd be upstanding for the toast – Success is getting what you want, and happiness is wanting what you get. I know that you both …..want what you've got. So ladies and gents – to the bride and groom to Lucy and Steven.

And finally there seems to be a bit of confusion over where Steven and Lucy are going on their honeymoon, I thought, perhaps like many of you here that they were off to Kenya, but now I`m not so sure.

After speaking to Steven earlier this week I think they`re going to North Wales …………Or at least I think that`s what he meant when he said he was going to Bangor all week!

So now in a move slightly out of the norm and at a special request – it gives me pleasure to hand you over to Steven's father Gary