Speech by James Rowlands

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: James Rowlands
Speech Date: Aug2004
As Henry VIII said to each of his wives, I'll not keep you long.…

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Jim Rowlands and I have the very great pleasure of being Tony's best man on this most auspicious of occasions.

May I start by saying that if there is anybody out there who is feeling somewhat nervous, a little apprehensive and perhaps even queasy about what lies ahead then it's probably because you've just married Tony Rogers.

Now like many in this situation I guess, I took a bit of advice from a few choice people as to quite what to expect. The most memorable response came from my Father. He likened making the speech to walking into a nudist camp, he said, ‘don't worry Son, it's only hard for the first two minutes……….’

May I thank Tony on behalf of the bridesmaids who I agree look absolutely smashing today, only rightly outshone by our bride Samantha. They've also done a wonderful job, I'm sure you all agree, so thank you very much indeed.

I think I've done a reasonable job, so far too! The condemned men ate a hearty breakfast and arrived on time and……..almost sober.

A quick word at this point about Health &amp Safety. We had the bloke around yesterday from Harrow Council and he seemed happy with everything but he did insist that I ask that you all refrain from standing on your chairs during my round of applause at the end of this masterpiece.

Now young Tony here was born on 18th of November 1971. I wouldn't say he was an ugly baby exactly but he was the only child in Ripon with shutters on his pram. Indeed his Dad told me they had to tie a bone round his neck even to get the dog to play with him

He attended Ripon Grammar School where, unlike me, he basically excelled at everything. But there's always a story tucked away somewhere and sure enough one emerged from his old Physics teacher. Said teacher was by all accounts reading the riot act to the whole class about an upcoming mock exam. This was serious stuff they were being told and no, absolutely no excuses would be tolerated. Up gets Tony, never the retiring type, waving his arm in the air. ‘Sir, sir surely complete sexual exhaustion would count as a reasonable excuse, no?’ To which the teacher responded, Rogers, you know it's quite possible to write with your left hand as well.

And so on to University in London where the only thing he seemed memorable for was quite how remarkably slowly he managed to do anything and everything. Tony you see is quite the most unflustered person imaginable. Simon who lived with him at university said to me on the stag weekend ‘ don't worry what Tony's thinking about your speech lad, he only be half way through his main course by then, he won't even be listening. I'm pleased to report however that according to Samantha there are certain things that he finishes in absolutely no time whatsoever.

It's all true. Samantha asked me to put it in……..…

It was then on to flying school where Tony and I met. The year we had there was memorable for just about nothing but too much work and not enough play. There was the odd moment of light relief however. For example the day Tony decided to dip the oil of his aeroplane with the engine still running while standing about 6 inches from the whirring propeller. So if you think he looks bad today just imagine what he could have looked like.

And so to today. To the lovely couple sitting down here. And may I say that Samantha looks absolutely beautiful as we all knew she would.

Funnily enough, all this is not at all how I imagined it would be. You see Tony always said to me, Jim marry yourself a Japanese girl, that's what I'm going to do now I'm on long haul. The Yorkshire Puddings won't be up to much but at least the Mother In Law's in Tokyo…..…

We actually flew to Japan together the other year en route to the World Cup. It was a memorable trip for many reasons, one of them being Tony bursting excitedly onto the flight deck half way there to announce to all the other pilot's that he'd just joined the Mile High Club. You lucky bugger we said, who with? “Oh no one, I was on my own……………”

Which reminds me:
Did you not think the wedding list was a bit odd? I did. We've all known about Tony's obsession with Internet Pornography for a long time now but there was no way I was buying him a left handed mouse….…

You won't know this but I've actually already said my congratulations to Tony. I said to him “listen, well done mate, you will always look back on this day as quite the happiest and best thing you've ever done.” Fitting words at the end of the stag do I'm sure you'll agree.

We actually went to Tallinn in Estonia for that. Now the men in the room will be well aware of what goes on at a stag do and let me assure you Tony's was no different……………a few cream teas, trip to the Theatre, Museum's……….were not part of the itinerary.

Tallinn has some lovely sights……raised eyebrows………… and we had a bloody good weekend which I'm unfortunately under legal advice not to discuss.

For the sake of the lads who were there though, which is everyone who's not a Doctor………………..pause for effect………….…

Possibly repeat……..for the sake of those who were there………

I can tell you that the donkey is going to be make a full recovery.

They do say a picture is better than a thousand words…………….so.…

Tony was actually last seen in the Soapy Lilo Shop at 4am waving his Black AMEX card excitedly over his head.

But enough of that. If you want to know any more you'll have to ply me with Tetley's for most of the evening.

All joking aside, Tony, you are a great guy and an excellent friend I'll never forget the favours you've done for me over the years, and the many, many good times we've had together. Thanks for giving me the opportunity, the privilege and indeed the ‘honour’ of being your best man today.

Samantha you make a beautiful bride, and I am very confident that you'll make each other extremely happy. Let me just say that from my perspective, Samantha couldn't be marrying a better guy, and Tony could not be marrying a better girl. I am extremely happy to count you both as friends.

Well Ladies and Gentlemen, as I said to the girl I lost my virginity to, thanks for laughing!!

[FAX's from absent friends.]

May I now request, on behalf of the bridesmaids and myself, that you all raise your glasses to toast Mr &amp Mrs Rogers.

To Samantha and Tony, congratulations, we wish you all the very best for the future!

SAMANTHA and TONY