Speech by James Salter

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: James Salter
Speech Date: Jun2006
Ladies and Gentlemen: For those of you who don't know me, my name is James and I'm Simon's best man for today.

Since I was asked to be best man, I've had many a sleepless afternoon at work trying to figure out what to say in my speech. I eventually consulted various people and the general consensus was that the best man's speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So, thank you and good night…

Seriously though, I'll try to keep this short and sweet.

It is tradition for the best man to pay compliments to the bride, something that in Elizabeth's case takes absolutely no effort. As for Simon, well what can I say, we tried our best.

Elizabeth has put a lot of hard work and effort ensuring that today has gone as smoothly as it has and I'm sure you'll all agree that she looks absolutely gorgeous. Simon is indeed a lucky man and I'm sure that this is the start of a long and lasting union together. I would also like to pay tribute to the bridesmaids, Lisa and Sarah, who look equally as stunning and who have given Elizabeth great support and guidance on this special day.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the 13 lads that went on the stag do to Barcelona. We all had a great time. With it's beautiful architecture, museums, churches and history it was bound to be the perfect venue for a group of sophisticated guys like ourselves. Unfortunately we didn't see any of that, and in time honoured tradition spent the entire weekend propping up various bars and dancing like 13 drunken men on a stag do.

So where did it all begin for these star struck lovers?

Simon and Elizabeth first met during a pub quiz in Tooting in early 2001. Obviously unimpressed with Simon's intellect and knowledge of 1990s dance acts, Elizabeth did not succumb to Simon's charms until the following year. The couple got together and then disaster struck. Well, a disaster for Simon, probably a cunning plan by Elizabeth.

Elizabeth went travelling to the United States during the summer of 2002, and Simon naturally feared the worst for their relationship. I recall at the time discussing the situation with Simon. The solution was obvious. Simon, for the first and likely to be only time, acted as a real man and promptly booked a flight over to Los Angeles.

This crazy plan worked, and the pair of them came back firmly as a couple. Simon and Elizabeth's relationship blossomed and during a balmy evening over dinner in Venice last June, Simon went down on one knee and proposed. I'm sure at the time Elizabeth must have thought that Simon was simply bending down to pick up a knife he had dropped, but the dark reality of the situation soon became clear. Fortunately, Elizabeth said “yes”, else I'd be making this speech to an empty room, or worse still, another wedding.

So, what about this man we see before us now…well…
Simon could be described as charming, intelligent, and entertaining…
And perhaps one day he will be!

Simon is a man of hidden talents…
And as soon as I find one I will let you know!

Most people here know Simon very well…
And I am sure you will all agree that once you've met him he's a difficult man to forget.…
But well worth the effort!

Anyhow, lets move on from these cheap jokes.

Seriously, Simon is one of the best blokes I have had the privilege to call a friend and I really do take this as a great honour that he chose me to be his best man.

I would like to offer some advice for a happy and successful marriage:

Simon,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it…
Whenever you're right, shut up.

Road maps are a good thing.

Women really do need a pair of shoes for every outfit.

A husband's most important words should always be “you're right, dear” and “OK buy it”.

Elizabeth,
The following tips come from a 1950s book entitled The Good Wives Guide:

“When Simon comes home from work, greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to see him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, and his very real need to be at home and relax.”

A recipe for the perfect marriage, I'm sure.

Moving back to the matter in hand.

To both of you I say…
May your love be modern enough to survive the times.… and old fashioned enough to last forever.

Today is a day when each of us wishes the happy couple well. Being human they will have their disagreements. Life being what it is, there will be sad moments as well as glad. Yet I know that today, we are all wishing them happiness and health in those years to come.

And so my last task, before I can really enjoy a drink, is to propose a toast.

So if everyone would like to join me in a toast to the new Mr & Mrs Berry.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Bride and Groom.

END