Speech by James Smith

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: James Smith
Speech Date: Jul 1999
Good Afternoon, Ladies & Gentlemen; for those of you who don't know me, I'm James, and I'm lucky enough to be Tim's Best Man.

Firstly on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Tim for his kind words. I have to agree; the Bridesmaids look wonderful and have done an excellent job today.

While I was trying to write this speech, I was looking in one of the guides you get about being a best man, and it had a little checklist of things to do. Apparently, I have to:
1) Help the groom dress – he should really know by now.
2) Make sure the groom uses the toilet – I'll send him in there, but I'm not making sure.
3) Ensure the groom's face and hair are in order – Well, God didn't do it right the first time around, so I've got no hope.
4) Make sure his trousers are done up – at this point I'm thinking that perhaps his mum should have been best man – and finally…
5) Make a speech to the bride and groom – Now, I thought this meant JUST to the bride and groom, you know, maybe off in a little room for a chat and a cup of tea. I'm a bit upset to find that I've actually got to do it in front of 100 people. Still, better get on with it…

Tim was born on January 9th, 1976. Now, January 9th is not a very interesting day. Loads of famous people were born on the 8th, such as Stephen Hawking, Elvis Presley, David Bowie and Shirley Bassey. So, the 8th is obviously a very busy day and God takes a bit of a rest on the 9th, which explains a lot about our Tim here.

Now, I didn't know Tim until a couple of years ago, so I've had to rely on his own version of events regarding his early life. Apparently, he was an exceptionally gifted student at school, and excelled in everything he did, be it arts, sciences, languages, or sports. He left school to the great sadness of his teachers with the highest grades in the country, and finally went to university in Guildford after refusing bribes from Cambridge, Oxford, and MIT. However, obviously just before I met him something terrible happened, which transformed this high flyer into the useless layabout that I know today.

Tim & Helen met before I knew them, so I also can't tell you about the night they met from first-hand experience. However, I will tell you a little about it, reconstructed from what I've heard from others.
Apparently, Tim & Helen met 3½ years ago, at a ‘Bad Taste Disco’, a sort of fancy dress type thing. I've been forbidden to tell you what Helen was wearing, but I'll tell you later if you come and find me. Anyway, Helen probably thought Tim was in fancy dress, but no. They seemed to hit it off anyway, and started going out properly soon after that. After a couple of years, Tim decided to ask Helen to marry him. Somewhat foolishly, he popped the question in an open field, under a tree. If I was Tim, I would have asked in a small room with the door locked, so she couldn't run away. Anyway, after a bit of a chase Tim caught up with Helen and badgered her into accepting his proposal. So, after many months of organisation and planning, they are both here today. I don't think Helen's going to be making a speech, is that right? No, of course, she can't stand up because she's been tied to the chair.

As I mentioned, I only really got to know Tim in the last couple of years, so the only real experience I have of him is from having lived with him. This, however, has been an interesting experience, so I'd just like to let Helen know what she's going to be in for.

First, let me say that I'm frankly amazed he even got to the wedding today, even with my help. On any normal day at 2 o'clock, Tim would be wrapped up on the sofa in his duvet, surrounded by empty coffee cups and watching Vanessa (at this point Tim points out that Vanessa is on at 11). Helen was probably half expecting to see Tim standing at the altar, still wrapped in his duvet.

Tim is widely acknowledged as an expert cook. He must be, because he cooks things that any sane person wouldn't even attempt to. When it comes to food, Tim has two very simple rules:
1) If it moves, kill it and eat it.
2) If it's been left long enough in the fridge/lounge/pockets, see rule 1.

As far as sport is concerned, Tim doesn't do a lot, but he is a keen climber. And if you'd seen his bedroom, you'd know why. People have been lost for days in there, and survived only by eating bits of old pizza.

However, no one stays the same forever, and we may be seeing the beginning of a new Tim today, which can only be a good thing really. I'd just like to say that Tim is a very lucky man, to be marrying Helen today. She deserves a good husband, and Tim, you should thank God that you got her before she found one.

On a more serious note; Tim, we have had some excellent times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You are a great friend, and it is a true honour to be your best man.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it now gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Tim and Helen, the new Mr and Mrs Owlett. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage. The bride & groom!

And finally, just before I read out cards and messages, one final toast to all those who couldn't be here to celebrate this happy occasion with us. To absent friends.

Read out telegrams, messages, including one which just says ‘Little Johnny and I will see you in court, you lying son-of-a…’