Speech by James Varty

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: James Varty
Speech Date: sep 2003
Well, it's been a very emotional day so far, even the cake is in tears!

For those of you who don't know me, I'm James and I'm John's younger
brother. I'm only 3 years younger. I know it looks more. Anyway, it's great
being here today because after all these years, John has finally admitted
that I am the Best Man.

Before I carry on with John's character assassination, On behalf of Elaine
and Emily I'd like to thank John for the toast he made to them. I also want
to thank Joe for keeping the contents of his kilt firmly under wraps during
the photos.

So now it is customary for me to lay into John, which is the only reason I
agreed to be Best Man in the first place.

I must say it did come as a bit of a surprise, but nevertheless a great
honour, when John asked me to be his best man. We get on very well these
days, but this hasn't always been the case.

In fact, the early days were a different matter altogether.

It could be said that John was somewhat jealous when I was born. He was 3 at
the time, and apparently took an instant dislike to me. What started as a
subtle dislike for the family's new baby soon turned into a disturbing
crusade to remove the evil threat which was taking attention away from him.

When I was about 18 months old, John made his first attempt on my life. I
was quietly sleeping in my cot, when John came in and carefully smothered me
with his entire set of building bricks. I was found moments later by our
horrified parents, with John trying his best to look innocent.

As John soon learned that physical attacks on me didn't work and often
resulted in him being smacked or sent to bed, John turned to psychological
torment instead. He decided to give me a new, humiliating name. Thus, ‘Elsie
‘ was born. John was often heard complaining that Elsie was looking at him,
and when our parents weren't looking he would turn my baby bouncer to face
the wall so that I couldn't see him.

However, things changed significantly when I learnt to walk. John realised
immediately the potential for deflecting his naughtiness, and I was often
the scapegoat for his misdemeanours. When questioned on who had perpetrated
any wrongdoing, John would always point the finger firmly in Elsie's
direction.

All through my life, John has blazed trails for me. In school, I would
always be greeted by new teachers with comments like, "Oh my god, not
another Varty,
Please tell me you aren't related to John" or "Will you be taking over the
role of school idiot now your brother's left?".

It would be fair to say that in the early days, John was more of a source of
perspiration than inspiration.

However, I hate to admit it, but I did look up to John with some admiration
during School, because he was non conformist and never got sucked into
trends or fashions.

John was apparently quite a nervous and over sensitive child. As a small boy
he spent an afternoon crying after he accidentally stood on a buttercup
during a walk through the park. He also developed a pathological fear of
carrier bags, after reading the warning about potential suffocation on one
of them.

All things considered, it's hard to believe that John grew up to be the
fearless, rock climbing potholer we see before us.

Over the years, John has developed an amazing ability to improvise. This is
probably due to him recklessly volunteering for stuff, regardless of whether
he could actually do what was required. I remember a concert that John
played in when he was about 10. John was the only kid who could play the
violin at School, and I use the word ‘play’ with some hesitation. He
volunteered for a slot at the concert to do a rendition of ‘little brown jug
‘. John had not bothered to practice the piece at all, and chose instead to
improvise in a most avant-garde fashion. I remember another parent in our
row turning to the person next to them and saying "god, isn't this terrible"
. Me and my parents sat with our heads bowed in shame, willing the
screeching to stop. Even now, I still find it hard to forgive John for those
agonising minutes spent squirming in the audience. Fortunately, John's
musical aptitude has moved on significantly since then.

Another occasion which showcased John's improvisational expertise came when
he got a leading role in ‘Oliver’, playing ‘Mr Bumble’. John was a very
enthusiastic actor, and really threw himself into the part. Unfortunately,
this didn't involve learning his lines. John opted yet again to improvise,
choosing to modify the Dickens classic, Varty style. This threw the entire
production into chaos, as all of the other kids had memorised the script and
were totally thrown by John's impromptu lines.

John had quite unusual hobbies as a child. He was fascinated by science and
particularly biology. He used to bring animal parts back from the butchers
and experiment on them. I remember he had some cows eyes pickled in jars on
a shelf in his bedroom, and a collection of dead insects in the garage. More
worryingly, my parents once bumped into our local pharmacist, Mr Jarrett, in
a pub, who informed them that John had made numerous visits to the pharmacy
with lists of dangerous chemicals he wanted to order. Mr Jarrett expressed
concern that such a combination of chemicals could be used to make
explosives.

The list of John's childhood quirks is endless. All things considered, it's
not surprising that we half expected John to end up an eccentric, nutty
professor. However, this was not to be. John chose a more diverse career
path which included Macdonalds and a slaughter house, amongst other things.
These were John's wilderness years, which he eventually came out of when he
went off to Salford University.

John returned from University with a degree, a sense of direction, a few
bruises and the mandatory beer gut. After another few years of post degree
dossing, John went off to make his fortune in Edinburgh. Since then, John
has really thrived, and this has certainly been the case since he met
Jacqueline.

While he was at University, John discovered a passion for rock climbing and
caving. As you'd expect, this new hobby led to several disasters, and it
would be fair to say, near death experiences. One such incident occurred
following a heavy night out, when John decided it would be a good idea to
climb a bridge. It was a big bridge. The good news is that he got to the
top. The bad news is that he landed on his head. His facial injuries looked
so bad the next day that women and children ran screaming when they saw him.
No change there then.

One of the few flaws in John's personality that I can think of is that he
finds it hard to see the bad in anyone. I'm reliably informed by Patrick,
one of John's good friend's, that on a visit to New York John failed to
sense the obvious dangers around him. In fact, John found the New York
subway a most convenient place to sit and count all of his money.

However, despite all of the eccentricities I've mentioned and quite a few
others that I haven't, John has been a great role model and is one of the
most supportive, wise, and caring friends that I've got, and which I'm very
grateful for.

John, you deserve some good fortune, and I think you got it today in
marrying Jacqueline. She is beautiful, intelligent and kind-hearted and she
deserves a good husband. John, it's a good job you married her before she
found one!

But seriously, we're all very proud of your achievements John and wish you
and Jacqueline the very best for the future. Everyone always comments on
what a brilliant couple you make. You seem to compliment each other
perfectly, and I'm sure you'll have a long and happy life together.

Personally, I'm delighted to have a doctor in the family. I've got a long
history of hypochondria so it's great having 24 hour telephone access to a
GP. Jacqueline, I hope you know what you've let yourself in for by entering
the crazy world of the Varty family.

Finally, I've got a few cards from absent friends:

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for
sharing their special day, particularly those who've travelled long
distances.
Finally, I'd like to ask you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast
to the new Mr and Mrs Varty.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough
to last forever……………………………………………… To
John and Jacqueline.