Speech by James Wright

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: James Wright
Speech Date: dec 2004
I would like to thank Graham for his kind words on behalf of the bridesmaids who look absolutely wonderful and have done a fantastic job today.

I would like to start by complimenting the bride on how amazing she looks this evening.

As for Graham, well what can I say, we tried our best.

It was of course a great honour to be chosen as best man. But from the moment Graham asked me it was clear that the best man speech would be the most challenging part of the day. If only because of having to select, only some, from the wealth of embarrassing stories of which I could choose.

So I had to prepare.

I took my standard approach and indeed most men's approach when faced with a problem they know little of nothing about. I bought a book and surfed on the internet.

Now for those of you who have had the pleasure of being best man will understand, the book found its way to the bin almost before I got through the door.

And, as I'm sure I'm not the only bloke in the room who has found far more interesting things to look at on the internet. I drew a blank.

The most reliable source of information would clearly come from the friends and family with whom he would share this special day.

So Graham, I wrote down a few words with which some of them used to describe you.

A great friend (that was mine)

Thoughtful, caring, trusting and charismatic (all very kind words)

Round and hairy (that I think came from one of the tables at the back – thank you very much).

In fact one sage person observed that marriage was clearly a serious undertaking and that it should be taken into lightly. But then commented that at 15 stone, they were pleased to see that Graham had applied these words of caution to the letter.

In fact I barely found a person who had a bad word to say. Although, I did find some.

When I heard belligerent, lazy, stubborn and obstinate I thought hang on that's a bit rough (maybe not entirely untrue but certainly a bit unnecessary for a best mans speech) ………….but if his parents don't know him then who does.

When speaking to everyone I learned a bit about Graham's childhood. I met Graham at university and knew little about how he grew up.

Hi sisters confirmed, what I had expected myself, that it was indeed from an early age that Graham had realised his appearance would be a fundamental part of his character. However, it appears that he struggled to find a style of his own.

(Embarrassing photo's scanned onto slides for projector)

The other personality trait which everyone agreed defines Graham is his general obsessiveness. Whether it relates to his passion for his hair, his neatness, his formula 1 addiction or his obsessive talking which coupled with his unhealthy love of technology can form a lethal combination.

I thought it had been just me who had been subjected to marathon conversations about the racing specifications of the latest F1 Maclaren, his most recent upgrade of mobile phone, or the relative merits of all four championship manager football games. But it appears he has inflicted this to some degree upon all of us. But we love him all the same.

Having shared some of your thoughts with me. I will be glad to share with you some of my own experiences with Graham.

If you had supposed that there was a darker side to Graham, you'd be right.

This is the time, where as tradition dictates, I would be failing in my duties as best man if I did not include some stories about laddish behaviour and drinking ridiculous amounts of alcohol. However, stories like this can come across so easily as being juvenile and distasteful.

I have three good examples of such stories.

The first, Graham, having been apprehensive about being dressed up for his 21st birthday was relieved to find that the costume chosen was that of a racing driver. Only to be horribly disappointed that the nipples and bottom had been cut out as we dressed him up ready for a night on the town.

Another good example would be Grahams first and hopefully last attempt at forming international relations with France. For which he supported by myself and many friends found himself on a booze cruise in Cherbourg. After having been drinking for 24hours he was dressed up as Frenchman complete with a Berret, Stripey T-shirt and a String of onions. I think by the end of the holiday we had even gone as far as developing the stereotypical smell of the Frenchmen. A true ambassador of the country Graham.

The final example would have to involve the events of the stag do in Prague of which I will only share only this. When confronted with an angry Czech police officer, who brandishing a baton and gun, has just stopped you for being drunk and disorderly – what do you do? It is braver man than me who when horribly drunk, dressed as a super hero, with an inflatable sex doll in one hand and with a ball and chain in his other answers to the question ‘What is your name’ with ‘I'm Batman’. Adam West would have been appalled.

But I would like to move on from disgusting to delightful.

As a single man I have often asked myself where you go to find single, eligible girls. Graham took the rather unorthodox route of travelling to Germany. (One I hadn't considered). However, as we know, it worked out exceptionally well. And as for me at work, I've heard that I will have an answer to my transfer request to Berlin shortly.

I'm not convinced that love blossomed as quickly on Zoë’s part, as from his speech, it seems too had done with Graham. I think the words I heard used were jumped up and overconfident. But I wouldn't worry about that Zoe, I've heard him described as far worse things before.

However, having reached Germany Graham wasn't to be knocked back. And being the dedicated and work-orientated man that he is covered far more ground in the handover that I'm sure is outlined in the Urenco corporate handbook.

And I for one am glad that he did as it was the start of a beautiful relationship which we are all here to celebrate today.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been a fantastic honour doing this job today. You've been very kind in listening to me. And, now I have just a few thank yous to add.

Firstly, I'd like to join Graham in thanking Richard and Sheila Isaac for being fabulous hosts.

Secondly, I'd like to thank Chester Zoo for giving Graham day release from the monkey enclosure.

I'd like to thank you all for joining Graham and Zoe Celebrate this very special day in their lives.

I have one special thank you which I have had to add today. We had a minor disaster last night at Graham's house. His trusted Bestman, when ironing our shirts for the big day, managed to burn a massive iron mark on the sleeve of, guess who, but the Grooms shirt. Thinking quickly we swapped it with one of the Ushers. Judging by his face he has had no idea but deserves thanks for taking one for the team. Mr Tim Sharpe.

Read out cards.

And finally, it gives me the greatest pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding and join me in toasting the bride and groom on what I'm sure will be a very long and happy marriage.