Speech by James

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: James
Speech Date: Aug2005
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen

For those who don't know me i'm james, davids younger and better looking brother and i'm the best man for todays lovely wedding.

Firstly, i should thank david on behalf of the bridesmaids and flower girl for his kind words and gifts. i think you will all agree they have done a marvellous job today and they all look great. (pause for a drink)

Honestly the things some people go through just to look good at a wedding.
they went together to get their haircut…………to get a manicure………..they held hands when they had there legs waxed…….they even brought in make up artists this morning to fix them up.
i'd like to introduce barry and dave the ushers.

they say the best man speech is the worst five minutes of the grooms day.
the worst five of the brides day comes later on tonight.

i have to admit to being quite nervous about maiking the best man speech here today. on the score of being nervous, i'm sure you all heard david say over and over that he has not been nervous at all in the run up to today.
well that all changed at about 9 o'clock this morning. i can tell you that when he made his speech a few moments ago, it wasn't the first time today he has stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in his hand.

when i was asked to be his best man i was determined to take the job seriously so i began to research what the job entitled. afte searching the internet and reading several books, i realised that the job is essentially comprised of 3 tasks.
task 1: organise the stag night….no problem but the less said the better.
task 2: help the groom dress……thanks but no thanks. if he hasn't learned by now what can i do.
task 3: offer a thorough character assassination of the groom in the wedding speech.

so let me begin with a couple of stories about david.

he was on 3rd october 1981 and is the oldest of three brothers….so obviously mum and dad thought they could do better.

as many of you know david is a simple fellow what you see is what you get.
when in playgroup there was a sign in the hall saying WET FLOOR…..… so he did.

being david younger brother i never really took an interst in his high school years. however my mum wanted to show me some of his school reports.
one caught my eye in particular and it was for woodwork class….it read "david could do better-he has great difficulty distinguishing between inches and millimeters" a problem he still has today so i hear

as some of you might know david was a bit tight with money when he was a student…he once dropped a 50p…and quickly thought to himself thats half a pint down the union….he bent down so quickly that it hit him on the back of his head.
but he hasn't been cheap today and i think you will all agree that this is a lovely hotel and he hasn't done anything by halfs today.

david always claims to be able to set the pace when he is out drinking…a theory that will no doubt be tested later on tonight.
i remember a couple of years ago on christmas eve we decided to go out and have a few drinks. we came home after a good night out and said good night…i went off to bed and was out like a light. the next morning my mum comes into my room wakes me up and takes me to the bathroom…where we find david…lying behind the door with trousers at his ankles and a towel covering his top half snoaring away happily.

i was talking to david the other day about what he wants from his marriage, he said, well i want to be a model husband….i want to be a model citizen…and he added with a large grin that he also wants to be a model lover!!
being the naive chap that i am i looked up model in the dictionary. it said "a small miniature replica of the real thing!! so good luck katy.

now onto the subject of ex girlfriends…
i still remember his one… she was a nice girl called betty who never answered him back and always did what david told her to do. things were going great and i thought they were going to last forever until….he over inflated her.

but don't worry katy you wont see any of his ex girlfriends here today…mad cow disease took care of that a couple of years ago.

david and katy make a great couple until it comes to driving where david is not the most patient of passengers…
one day when they were out driving together with katy behind the wheel…then all of a sudden the car broke down… david got out and started pushing but it didny move an inch… he walked round to find katy still had the handbrake on. David of course brought this to katys attention….she said oh i thought that was an airfreshener…david at this point was quite stressed but calmly asked why an airfreshener…katy replied well when i put it down the smell of burning goes away…

i now have a few telegrams to read out, from some people who unfortunately couldn't be with us today.
first is a message from davids favourite QC and mentor Dear david – sorry i couldn't make it today, i have singing lessons with some friends.
donald findly

Dear david – we could have been good together. all my love pamela anderson

dear david – we could have been so so good together. all my love dale winton

Finally it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to david and katy as i'm sure everyone here today would like to wish them good health, happiness and a wonderful life together.

to david and katy