Speech by Jamie Beard

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jamie Beard
Speech Date: oct 2003
I always thought that following a speech by Wayne would be difficult, and I was right I couldn't follow a bloody word! So on behalf of the bridesmaids and ushers I would like to thank Wayne for …..erm…..Whatever he just said.

Now Before I start I'd like to begin with an old Llanelli tradition, which I'm sure many people here today, might have heard of.

It was said in olden times that on day the lucky couples wedding during the ceremony that the priest etc would ask that if there were any people present who had had prior relations with the bridge and that if present they should there and then step forward and place a key before the groom to show that everything was now in the past and the future could then begin.

Now as a tradionallist I thought if may be a bit ‘quaint ‘ if we here were to uphold this noble tradition.

( cue waiting – before a stream of people come forward and place key before Wayne –
– Before juts about to start again – Wayne's father pops up and places key before Wayne.)

OK after that icebreaker id just like to say that I was a bit nervous beforehand. In fact, this isn't the first time today that I've stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand. I'm probably about as nervous as Wayne was this morning ….Errr, talking about nervous wayne you left this in the toilet wayne [hand wayne a brick]. Ohh and mike ( Father of Bride) you also left this….huge breezeblock
I'd just like to thank everyone for coming and sharing their special day with them, particularly those who have travelled long distances. On behalf of myself, I kind of wished you'd all stayed at home and made my job a whole lot easier. I would also like to like to echo everyone's sentiments by saying that Beth you do look one in a million and Wayne well you look like you were won in raffle!
Now I've known the bridegroom for a very long time and I can honestly say he belongs to a very special group of people. There aren't many people in the world who are so well known thatthey can get by simply with one name.. you've got Pele, Maradona, Ali and ……wayne. Now I didn't want to be a best man who said theres lots of stories about wayne come and see me at tye bar later… cos this is the only opportunity to let beth and her family know what waynes really like.
So what can I say about Wayne… an enlightened thinker, natural athlete, award winning DIY skills … an embarrassment of riches makes up this man. But he's unpredictable too. Just when you think you've begun to figure out what makes him tick. He begins to tock.
Now it was always obvious that Wayne was in some way slightly different to most lads ( and I don't mean in that way) but I suppose the first time that this really hit home was when we were both 17. One Saturday morning after a night out we were driving through Talbot Green going for well-deserved breakfast. Now we haven't got time to go into the whole story but the outcome was that we hurled at 35 40 miles an hour straight into the back of a stationary vehicle waiting at the lights. Needless to say the other vehicle was shunted forward by about 20 feet and for a few minutes we all juts sat there in shock. It was at this point that I turned round to Wayne. The next words that came out of his mouth I swear will go with me to my grave.… he just looked at me and out they came.… do you think they noticed?!!
In the years that passed this unpredictable ness continued there have followed too many incidents to recall now but anyone who knows of Wayne knows these stories. But its not only wayne that these incidents affect , after a quick totting up this morning I realised since ive known wayne he's been personally responsible for me breaking a collar bone, getting numerous stitches, two broken arms (at the same time) and also me getting run over ( and I promise you this is no exaggeration) But as normally happens the family have suffered too. As Wayne and Theresa got older Alan and Nicola in there decided too holiday without the kids. However there was too follow a cycle which Alan imparticular would become familiar. It went something like:
Stage 1 Alan and Nicola go on Holidays leaving the car with Wayne and Theresa
Stage 2 Alan and Nicola arrive at their destination, at home Wayne crashes car
Stage 3 Wayne calls Theresa and tries to convince her to take blame
Stage 4 Wayne eventually decides to tell the ‘truth’ – in other words comes out with a ridiculous stories that only he alone could come up with and reason as plausible
Stage 5 repeat next year
Never has a father had a more appropriate job when concerned with his family and one boy I particular. For those who don't know Alan works in insurance
Now I know it may come, as bit of a shock to some of you but unfortunately Wayne is a compulsive liar and will always lie if it gets him out of trouble. Remember when I said you juts about work out what makes him tick he starts to tock. Well a few years he mostly definitely started to tock. This story is so well known that people still speak of it in hushed tones great burglary of 1999. ( Dress Wayne up in Burglars out fit before starting)
Wayne's parents had gone out and left him in the house alone. So Wayne got himself ready to go out and left the house now wayne was never trusted enough to have his own key so he used to lock up and post in it the box. Now waynes was driving this night and had his car keys on his house key and yes you've guest it he posts them all thorugh the door. Obviously he now had to get them back – he realised the only option was to climb his parents conservatory and in though their window. So he climbs up, but as he gets to the window he falls through flinging the window open and breaking it, he also knocks various things over from the dressing table and bouncing over the mattress with his muddy shoes on. Wayne being Wayne pays no attention to this carnage and goes downstairs gets his key lets himself out, locks the door posts it through.
That night Wayne stayed at beths – middle of the night – ring ring – it was Wayne's parents on the phone – frantic with worry. Alan asking him whether he'd noticed anything strange with the house etc etc – Wayne not thinking – no. Alan then oh god we've been burgled – our bedroom is a right sate – So Alan says well there's nothing for it well have to call the police, now Wayne are you sure this is nothing to do with you? Wayne – no but now realises. In what I can only presume is blind panic Wayne brain start to click into overdrive and he now utters yet more eternal words.… Dad is the TV still there? See – the boy will lie at anything if he can avoid telling the truth. To help both Beth in married life I bought her a special present -…the little book of crap excuses… so now beth you can check to see whether hes lying or not.
Now at this point I was going to say a few words about Beth—but then I was introduced to mike so I thought better of it…
However despite that I can say they are very well matched and here they are, Wayne and Beth, you've finally got married, for better or worse, which is quite appropriate as I'm sure you'll all agree Wayne couldn't have done any better and well Beth well it could have been worse.
Now last night in the pub I did actually suggest to Wayne that if he has any doubts about getting married that he should alternatively think about buying a dog instead and pointed out the numerous advantages, such as…
Dogs are always pleased to see you
Dogs don't go shopping
You can call a dog by your last dog's name and they don't seem to mind.
Dogs like it when you come in drunk and start stroking them
but after careful consideration wayne rightly decided that marriage was the best option
Cards & Toasts
Now before I raise a toast to the bride and groom I do have a few cards to read out.…
To Wayne– – ‘ To Wayne heres hoping your wedding lasts longer than your Norwich career’.… Mr Martin O neill
To Beth from Wayne's boss at David Lloyds, ‘We've found Wayne to be useless in every position. We wish you all the best on the honeymoon…’
Now Can I ask you to charge your glasses as I propose a couple of toasts.
First, to four people without whom today would not have happened: the
Bride's and the Groom's parents. The mums and dads!
Second there are two very important people here today, they both mean a great deal to us all, and we couldn't do without them, at some stage this evening we will all be with them, sharing this special day.
Ladies and Gentlemen please raise your glasses to….The Bar Staff
And now seriously for any newlyweds, people are always quick to give advice and today is no different, but as I'm not married yet I leave you with a little cautionary tale about marriage that I heard this morning.. – A father took his son aside on his wedding day and said.
‘Son, the key to a stress-free marriage is making sure the man is in charge, and today is the day you have to make sure she understands that!. I'll tell you a little secret – On my wedding night I took off my Y-fronts, threw them at your mother and said “put those on”. She said “ but I can't wear these, they're far too big.” “That's right” I said, “and don't you forget that it's me who wears the pants round here!”
The son smiled and thanked his Dad for the advice. Later that night, when he and his new bride got into the hotel bedroom, he slipped off his Calvins and threw them at her.
‘Put those on’ he said.
‘But I can't wear these, they're far too big.’
‘That's right’ he said, ‘and don't you forget that it's me who wears the pants in this relationship!’ She then slipped off her slinky G-String and threw it at him.
‘put those on then’ she said
‘don't be stupid’ he protested, ‘I can't get into your knickers!’
‘No’ she said ‘and you never will with that attitude!’
Now seriously my final few words to Wayne and Beth, I looked for some witty poignant closing thought but thought this kinda summed it all up :
“You don't marry someone because you can live with them, you marry them because you simply cannot live without them.”
Ladies and Gentlemen, if you could all be upstanding and join me in a toast …the new Mr and Mrs Morgan, the Bride and Groom!