Speech by Jamie Buchanan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jamie Buchanan
Speech Date: 15/01/2010 14:48:38

For those of you who don't know me,   I should explain that I went to university with Fred,   and have been friends with him for well over a decade. It seems very hard to believe that so much time has passed so quickly although one glance at Fred's head reminds me that we're not as young as we used to be.

Once I heard that I was best man, as you might expect, I became nervous about the speech,   so perhaps a good judgement of its quality is whether it is Fred or me that is more embarrassed by the end of it,    I will let you be the judge.

1. First of all,   I would like to say that I was honoured when Fred asked me to be best man. I was slightly less honoured when I found out I was second choice,    and then only after Fred had been turned down by everyone else he could think of.

In all seriousness,   I'm delighted to be best man,    and it's a shame that a good mutual friend of ours, Paul McCabe, wasn't able to be here as best man due to the cost of travelling from Australia. He has however helped me to write this speech. You'll be able to tell the parts that he has contributed as they won't be funny.

PAUSE

1. It's customary for the best man to tell some embarrassing stories about the groom,    and I was searching through the many available for a suitable one. Obviously,    there are many that wouldn't be appropriate for the occasion. For example, I can't mention the New Year that Fred celebrated in Edinburgh where he was asked if he was a true Scotsman by a group of girls. To prove that he was,   he lifted his kilt,   not realising that several police officers were across the road. The policemen then kindly escorted Fred to the station for a night in the cells. Fortunately for Fred however,   it was a cold night,   and the case was thrown out due to lack of evidence.

PAUSE

But moving on to stories that I can tell,…..Fred hasn't always been the most punctual person. Perhaps this is why he has taken so long to make an honest woman of Wilma. I remember a Friday night many years ago,   when Paul and I were in Edinburgh and Fred was driving through to meet us. He phoned us to say that he was coming through as fast as he could,   and we told him not to rush,   as he would surely be stopped by the police.

Sure enough when he finally arrived,    he told us that he had been stopped by them only moments after speaking to us,    and given 3 points on his license.

1. Now that I've embarrassed Fred a little,    I should move on to describing how he met Wilma. I know what you're all thinking,    there must be some incredibly unlikely scenario that persuaded Wilma that Fred was a good choice. But I am afraid the truth is rather more conventional. I believe it was love at first sight over several vodka and red bulls in Glasgow's famous Garage nightclub.

PAUSE

I have known Wilma since she started going out with Fred, indeed I was there on the night they met,    and although my memory of the night is rather hazy,    I can only presume that Wilma was persuaded of Fred's merits by judging him on his choice of friends.

1. It is a continuing surprise to me that she hasn't since seen sense,   but as I fear it is now too late,   I therefore wish her the best of luck,   . and congratulate Fred on his fine judgement and good fortune. Fred now has a beautiful, intelligent and successful wife,    and Wilma has, well Wilma has a beautiful dress.

PAUSE

1. Now that I have insulted Fred enough,    I should tell a story that demonstrates what a good friend he has been to both Paul and myself. A few years ago,    the three of us decided to go on holiday together to New York. Paul and I decided that to pass the time on the evening before we left on holiday,    we would go out for a quick beer. This quick beer turned into many,    and we returned to Fred's flat in the early hours and passed out in a drunken stupor. If it hadn't been for Fred staying in and then waking us we would have certainly missed the flight,   and I shall always be grateful to him for that. This story demonstrates that Fred would make a fine wife looking after the men after they have returned from a big night out. Hopefully,    he will now be able to demonstrate equal ability as a husband.

PAUSE

I have enjoyed this wonderful wedding so far and I am looking forward very much to the rest of the day.

I understand that once the festivities are over,   they are off on honeymoon to the US taking in Miami, Vegas and San Francisco. I think everyone is aware that the Americans have very strict visa entry requirements,   particularly in relation to past criminal behaviour. Fortunately however,   my girlfriend works with prisoners advising them on their rights and she assures me that as long as Fred doesn't admit to what happened on that New Year's eve long ago he should be allowed entry.

PAUSE

Finally,     I would like to thank Fred for being a good friend these last 10 years or so.

And would like to invite you all to stand.

Please raise your glasses to the new Mr and Mrs Barnett

Thank you