Speech by Jamie Buckland

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jamie Buckland
Speech Date: 08/05/2013 11:16:32

OPENING REMARKS

Believe me, this isn't the first time today I've risen nervously from a warm seat with a sheet of paper in my hand.

Before I begin the formalities, per se, I hope you are all enjoying what can only be described as Robin and Charlotte's perfect day.  As they say on TOWIE – which, as many of you will know is the happy couple's favourite television program – the wedding has been ‘totes emosh’ – even the cake is in tiers.

Jokes aside however, as we're all fully aware nothing in life is ever perfect, which is precisely why it's my turn to speak.

Now, this may worry you for the following reasons.  Normally when addressing large groups of individuals such as it's for one of two reasons:  either I'm MCing to Drum & Bass music, which I'm told nobody can understand, or I'm teaching Philosophy classes, also of which I'm told nobody can understand. Rest assured, however, I'll be keeping things simple, namely for Robin's sake.

First and foremost I'd like to thank Robin for his extremely flattering words to the Bridesmaids; they look beautiful – eclipsed only by Charlotte herself who I'm sure we all agree looks absolutely stunning.  Even Robin has scrubbed up nicely, finally managing to sort out the bouffant on the top of his head, which, as many of you know, has taken near three decades to perfect. 

I'd also like to thank Kevin, David and Tom for fulfilling their flower-wearing duties.  Though I need to give a special thank you to David on behalf of all of the stag party for organizing three amazing days of tea-total detox pampering and relaxation at the all-male spar resort in Tenerife – Robin relaxed so much he was still flushing them toxins out on the plane home!

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In preparation for this speech I understand it is traditional for the best man to embarrass the groom, but I thought where's the challenge in that? As will become clear at the bar later on, Robin is more than capable of doing that all by himself.

To let me begin by saying what an honour it is to your best man, Rob.  From the moment you requested Mum and Dad to produce a baby brother you've always been there to pin me down and fart in my face, introduce me to the pain of dead arms, dead legs, camel bites, and Chinese chops; dunk my head under the water on holiday until I nearly drowned; and make me sit for hours watching you play on the Sega Mega Drive.  Though I'm sure my rubbing soap in your eyes, pooing in the bath, breaking the majority of your Transformers figures, making sure the home phone was engaged constantly during your teenage years, and leaving my moped parked directly behind your prized Honda Civic Type R for you to reverse into is at least some recompense.

In all seriousness, though, what can I say about Robin?  Numerous things come to mind, but here are a select few: he's reliable, has always been there for me as big brother, and there's nothing Robin wouldn't do for me or his mates.  In fact, he's just about the nicest bloke you can ever hope to meet.  Indeed, it's these very character traits – opposed to the double vodka lime and sodas – which Charlotte tells me first attracted her to Robin on that magical night in Mazza's back in November 2005.  Though by Robin's recollection of events this fated meeting actually occurred ‘sometime’ in 2006.  But Robin was always a year behind at school.

Incidentally, I'm told this first romantic meeting was somewhat brief… And of course, being a vegetarian, Charlotte had to refuse Robin's sausage, so they shared a meat-free pizza from Pomodro instead. Now, much like the pizza that united them, Robin's chat-up lines are also known to be a bit cheesy, which no doubt resulted in Charlotte declining his gentlemanly request to accompany her on long and dangerous walk home – 10 meters across the car park.  But you know what they say:  a husband is like a well-tiled floor – lay it right the first time and you'll spend years walking all over it.

But what I think is perhaps most magical about Robin and Charlotte's relationship is that since that fateful day back in 2005, they've never had never had a row, or said a single cross word to each other.  In all seriousness though, as someone clever once said: you don't marry someone who you can live with, you marry someone who you can't live without.

And on that note Ladies and Gentlemen, I ask you all to be upstanding and charge your glasses for the new Mr. and Mrs. Buckland.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Bride and Groom.