Speech by Jamie Claret

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jamie Claret
Speech Date: mar 2003
Good evening everyone.

I must admit that I am more nervous about being a best man than I was last year as a groom at my own wedding. Maybe its because I have been married a year and know what Richards letting himself in for!

In all seriousness though I was a bit nervous about making this speech.

First there were the warnings from Jo these were closely followed by the intimidating phone calls from Richard.

They then started acting together by threatening me with a UN Security council resolution pushing for ¡§best man disarmament¡¨, however the good news for you guys is that the wedding speech crisis was vetoed at the last minute with a surprise development from the home front.

That¡¦s right it was only Richards dad (AKA Saddam Wolff) giving a call to arms and encouraging an attack with full matrimonial force.

So I am afraid to say Richard that if I don¡¦t embarrass the hell out of you I could be arrested for crimes against humanity!

Of course I am only joking¡K¡K¡K¡K.Richard told me that if I do a good job today then he¡¦ll let me be best man again at his next wedding.

I first met Richard at Hebrew classes nearly 20 years ago. If I remember correctly, even at that early age Richard was always a sharp dresser. Hair preened to perfection, an unhealthy obsession with gold jewellery it could mean only one thing.

Richard was already becoming an ESTATE AGENT.

So. Fairs fair, when buying a house you always read the particulars very carefully, so it was only appropriate for me to speak to Richards¡¦s office and so you could find out what you were buying¡K.

RICHARD WOLFF

A rare opportunity to purchase this larger than average, well presented and practical, two legged heterosexual bloke. Situated over there and located within approximately five minutes of embarrassment from me!

This chap is offered in good decorative order and has been well maintained by the present owners Mr and Mrs Wolff. Benefits include cheesy wit with Matching Stilton grin and are also offered with future potential to extend. Obviously this is subject to Jo¡¦s permission!

Star features include
„Ï Brown hair and blue eyes.
„Ï Modern Suite¡Ksorry I mean suit.
„Ï Great potential to remould in a style of your choosing!

In all seriousness though I did try to have a word with Richards¡¦ boss the other day to ask him if there was anything particularly embarrassing that Richard had done at work, or if there was anything that could be used as ammunition. Unfortunately I was unable to get hold of him because he was right in the middle of having a ¡¥Cheeseometer¡¦ installed onto Richards Desk.

Only kidding Richard, don¡¦t let this dent your confidence, apparently you are still a major hit with the Bushey Village Grannies!

In any case ¡V I digress!

It was a little while after meeting Richard that he invited me back to his parent¡¦s house, which he described as

¡§A modern, well presented, split level flat. Ideal for entertaining, especially the ladies.¡¨

That¡¦s right Richard and I had hit puberty. As two fresh-faced teenagers with our Bar mitzvahs behind us we were officially men, primed and ready for action all we had to do now, was find some women¡K¡K¡K¡Kwell we would found some women, expect Richard was still in the bathroom topping up his hairspray.

You must believe me when I tell you that Richard is the vainest person I have ever known. When he used to stay at my house he brought a grooming kit that would make Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen proud!

Jo, all I can do is warn you, one day, when you are taking Richards suits to the dry cleaners, you may well reach in his pocket and find something that will upset you, disgust you and make rethink your whole relationship.

A receipt to a tanning salon¡Kbelieve me, it is only a matter of time!

Where was I, oh yes, humiliating Richard.

It was at some point, around our early teens, that I discovered that Richard was Diabetic. Now for those of you that are not aware of diabetes I found this short exert from a medical dictionary:

¡§Diabetes is a disease in which the body does not make, or does not properly use, insulin. Insulin is the hormone that helps your body use the energy from sugar, starches and other foods.¡¨

In laymen¡¦s terms, a teenage diabetic can mean only one thing; my best friend is a bloody liability!!!

One particular story, and a personal favourite of mine, was the time that Richard came over to spend the night at my house. Mum and dad had gone out, and we had decided to play new game, that we were just learning the rules to, called ¡§How much Bacardi can a diabetic drink before causing a medical crisis¡¨.

It wasn¡¦t long before we found out. After polishing off most of the bottle, Richard informed me that he didn¡¦t feel too great and was going to go to the bathroom. After about an hour he had still not returned.

After a further hour it was fairly obvious, from the retching and swearing coming from behind the bathroom door, that all was not well.

I did what any best friend would do in the same situation; I slipped a note under the door asking him to please keep the noise down!!

By this point mum and dad were back home and I was getting very worried. I ran with tears in my eyes to my mum and dads room screaming that I had killed my best friend!

To cut a long story short, the ambulance was called, dad had to break the bathroom door down, and I will never forget the image in my head of Richard lying in a pool of his own sick, dad knelt above him and the drunk voice of my best mate saying to my 6¡¦3¡¦¡¦ bearded father

¡§Hug me David!¡¨

STAG DO

Things have moved on since then and us lads are only allowed out for nights of excess on our stag night or those of close friends. We tried to find a place that was noted for its culture and good taste, and ended up with Amsterdam. As much as we would have loved to visit the museums and art galleries we were too distracted by the bars, coffee shops and red light district

When Richard asked what the rules were regarding the ladies of the night in the red light district I had to remind him of a phrase coined by the great Woody Allen.

¡§Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it¡¦s a pretty good empty experience!!!¡¨

All in all I think that the Stag do was a great success and I don¡¦t think anyone will forget the moment when Richard, who was a little worse for wear, pipes up from behind us and says.

¡§Hang on guys¡KI cant quite feel myself anymore¡¨!?!

Anyway, enough about Richard¡Kit is time to be serious for a second.

Firstly I think that you will all join me in thanking the bridesmaids. You did a great job and look fabulous.

Of course I cannot give a best mans speech without saying a few words about the blushing bride! First of all, and I am sure that everyone will agree with me, that Jo looks absolutely stunning today.

Richard you really found a winner with Jo, she is beautiful, caring, smart and funny. Jo, you have found¡K¡K¡Kwell you have found Richard!

Watching you both under the chupah today, only confirmed what I have always thought, that you make a really wonderful couple and I wish you many happy and healthy years together as the new Mr and Mrs Wolff!!

So before I go, I want to offer you both a few words of advice on how to maintain a healthy marriage¡K.

Jo says: we need
She really means: I want

Jo says: it¡¦s your decision
She really means: the correct decision should be obvious

Jo says: do you love me?
She really means: I¡¦m about to ask for something really expensive

And most importantly:
Jo says: does this outfit look ok?
Richard: I can¡¦t tell you what she really wants to hear¡KI don¡¦t think there is a correct answer, just take my advice and run for cover!!

And finally Jo, if you think that the way to a mans heart is through his stomach¡Kyou are aiming too high!

So then the toast is Richard and Jo. The new Mr and Mrs Wolff.

L¡¦Chaim and Mazeltov.