Speech by Jamie Francis

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jamie Francis
Speech Date: mar 2003
WARMUP: ladies and Gents,
I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes
Because of my throat…
If I go on too long, Maria has threatened to cut it!
I would like to say thank you to the new Mr and Mrs Gardner for asking me to be their best man I think it's an honour to be hear on your wedding day, but standing up in front of 40 people to doing this speech cheers! Mate!
I think you all would agree how good Maria looks today! I hope she looks just as good in 25 years time well there is always plastic surgery! I've just treated my beautiful wife to plastic surgery. I've just cut up her credit card! In fact now that Maria is now married she has come up with a great way in saving money, she's going to spend Dave's! Instead!

DAVE: Dave was born only 2 days after me! So we have known each other all our lives. Both our mothers knew each other right from the start. So we have been friends for nearly 34 years! BLOODY HELL YOU OLD GIT! But I'm 2 days older!!!!

Dave works as a design engineer today and is said to be good with his hands (IS THAT CORRECT MARIA?) Well you only have to look at their house to show that this is true, but when he was a boy this was also the case, I remember him building an ant house from cardboard this had various rooms inside including a swimming pool and a torture chamber which had a spider in it to fight and eat the poor ants! I hope there is no one in the room from the save the ant protection league here today!

We both had tents bought for us for a birthday presents we were so excited about having these tents, but unfortunately both our birthdays are in November NOT THE BEST TIME FOR CAMPING! So ever resourceful we decided to have indoor camping! Which meant having sleepovers round each other's houses INSIDE OUR TENTS OF COURSE! So we actually put them up in each other's dinning rooms putting chairs through the hoops to keep them up, our parents were not very happy about this they were a bit tense!

Dave left school in 1985 with about 10 O levels! SMART ARSE! THAT'S WHY HIS NICKNAME WAS “PROF!” Anyway we celebrated leaving school by going on holiday to Ingoldmills, why Ingoldmills I don't know but the most exciting thing was watching the traffic lights change anyway there were 5 of us in this old caravan! One night we decided to go out on the razzle to the local pub, we only had 3-4 pints and we were out of it! After being thrown out of the amusements arcade for being drunk and disorderly, one of the lads decided it was a good idea to walk on the roof of the caravan IT WASN`T DAVE BY THE WAY! But he put his foot straight through the caravan skylight! But Dave was there to save the day with his very useful hands. How? By walking down to the local shop the next day and buying some air fix glue and sellotape! The next couple of hours were spent gluing and taping all the bits of skylight back together again. Luckily it never rained for the remaining few days of the holiday! This was properly our first real drunk experience…WAS IT DAVE!!! OH NO! Remember the time…

Remember going to Vince Sharps party. Remember all that booze in the kitchen! Well you properly will not the state you were in at the end of the night, because if any of you have been out with Dave and Maria you might know that, Dave cannot mix his drinks but unfortunately that night he did! The armchair in the lounge will never smell quite the same again! Later on I remember loud screech from David Hinds who was kipping on the floor by the side of the bed Dave was in “ERR HE`S GOT ME! ERR HE`S GOT ME!” Dave had sat upright and was rather ill over the unfortunate David Hinds`s face!
NEVER AGAIN AH DAVE ARE YOU MIXING YOUR DRINKS TONIGHT? You have a bit of a reputation for sleeping in the bathroom next to the toilet!

STAG DAY: Dave had his “stag night” a couple of Saturdays ago, Poor old Dave was subjected to a embarrassing traumatic experience he had to watch 1½ hours of Derby v Preston North End! I'm so sorry Dave! But it was great to have all the lads together on a great night out! Despite the result!

THE HAPPY COUPLE:

How long have you two been together it's got to be 12 years? Well you must have been living in Belper for 10 years! Apparently when the young lovers first moved in Maria came down stairs one morning expecting to see some cornflakes and toast on the breakfast table, but Dave had put some lettuce out for breakfast instead “What's this?” Maria asked Dave said, “I just wanted to see if you eat like a rabbit as well!”
So why has it taken so long for you two to tie the knot? Well we might have the answer 19 months ago Sarah was in hospital for the birth of our son Ben, Dave and Maria came in to visit, when they left we both picked up on them both being broody over Ben. I think you both would make wonderful parents! So the next time we all get together it may be a christening!
FINISH
Please stand I would like to toast the happy couple……………… “TO DAVE AND MARIA”…