Speech by Jamie Main

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jamie Main
Speech Date: 08/08/2011 16:56:40

Good afternoon ladies & gentlemen.

Before I start my speech I just wanted to say how happy I am to finally meet Louise today. Some of you may or may not know but I had never actually met Louise before today, in fact neither had Ryan's brothers or friends from Scotland. It was actually a running joke between Ryan's brothers and me that because we hadn't met her and because Ryan would always refer to Louise as lou, me and his brothers thought he was dating a bloke so suffice to say I was happy and a little relieved to see a beautiful woman walk down the aisle today!

Firstly I'd like to congratulate the newlyweds. Ryan, you've found someone who's beautiful, clever, charming and loving. Louise, you've found Ryan. Well, who said marriage has to be a partnership of equals?

For those of you that don't know me, my name is Jamie, about 3 months ago when Ryan asked me to be his best man I immediately said, “No.” He offered me £10, I said, “no.” He offered me £20, I said,  “what do you take me for.” He offered £50, and well I can't tell you how honoured I am to be here today.

‘I am however slightly bothered with the title of ‘best man’. If I'm the best man, why is Louise marrying Ryan? Ryan, is an inspiration to me and those around him. As far as I am concerned, there should only be one best man here tonight, and that is you. One of the reasons I admire Ryan is his generous nature – a lot of people don't know this but Ryan donated his body to science when he started at Strathclyde University, and preserved it in alcohol the entire time he was there.’

Sitting down to write this speech was a daunting task. Where to begin? I've known Ryan for 22 years now, although my liver swears it's 50. We've had more good times than I can remember, and we'd have had a few more if we hadn't got drunk and run out of money and made it to the strip club on the stag night.

Due to the length of time I have known Ryan it has fortunately provided me with ample material for this speech.  (take out lots of bits of paper with writing on it).  However, unfortunately I've been warned by Ryan's mum Anne that I'm not allowed to tell any stories about Ryan, today that could ruin the image of her golden boy (fling down paper) so that's most of my speech out of the window.

Ryan's always been there for me. I remember when I lost my job, Ryan was there. When I got beat up, Ryan was there. When split my head open, Ryan was there. And when I got dumped by my girlfriend, Ryan was there. In fact, come to think about it Ryan – you're a jinx!

Seriously though, we have been true friends for years. But ‘friend’ is so commonly used, that the other day I really tried to pin-down what's properly meant by it. Turning to the dictionary, a friend is defined as someone whom, you are attached to through affection and esteem, who is a favoured companion, a supporter and an ally and well-rounded and solid. After checking I hadn't looked up the word ‘penis’ by mistake, I concluded that Ryan was indeed a true friend.

Ryan is an all round good guy. He sets high goals for himself and pursues them. He's a son, a brother, a friend, a partner and a royal marine. It's hard to do all those things right in life – and he's succeeded in every one of them.

As the marines require a man of outstanding character, I believe his military background has shaped him into the ideal candidate for marriage – he's already used to taking orders.

I've actually spoken to some of Ryan's work mates who tell me that he has a nickname at work. One he doesn't know about ”’God”’, which apparently most of them use behind his back as no one's ever see him and if he does do any work it's usually a miracle.

Louise however apparently calls him “holiday boy” he's good while it lasts but wishes it was longer!

As I have already said Ryan and myself go way back and have had many adventures together however, I think it was the morning after a night out when Ryan fell asleep in my parents back garden because he had locked himself out of his house, that brought us closer than ever although it's a moment that will haunt me for the rest of my life!

I remember my mum shouting at me to get up thinking we were getting burgled to realise it was only Ryan outside and told me to go back to sleep. My mum let him in and told him to go sleep in the spare room. Ryan however in his drunken state got undressed and climbed into my bed which I didn't know because I was drunk and passed out. Needless to say, I was a little surprised when I woke up next to my naked best friend would be an understatement however I think my dad was more shocked when he popped in with a morning cup of tea to find us both naked in the same bed, the look on his face said it all!

Without a doubt though, Ryan's biggest success in life has been to find that special someone, the person he wants to spend eternity with and who wants to spend it with him. The person he cannot bear to be apart from and cannot live without.

That's Bride by the way… not me!

No, but seriously… as best man, I'm supposed to offer some insight into married life for the bride and groom. Now, never having been married myself, I'm not sure I'm qualified to give such advice. The one thing I will say to Louise is this: if Ryan turns out to be half as loyal and supportive a husband as he has been a friend, you can look forward to a very long and very happy marriage.

Ryan you're my oldest and dearest best friend and it's been an honour to be your best man today and I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for affording me the privilege.

In closing, I've found a little poem that I think sums up marriage quite nicely.

The perfect groom is gentle, never harsh, cruel, or mean.

He has a beautiful smile and keeps his face so clean.

The perfect groom likes children, and will raise them by your side.

He'll be a good father and husband to his bride.

The perfect groom loves cooking, cleaning, and laundry too.

He'll do anything in his power to show his love for you.

The perfect groom is sweet, writing poetry from your name.

He's a best friend to your mother and kisses away your pain.

He'll never make you cry or hurt you in any way.

And if this poem stands to be true, then Ryan, you really are gay.

So finally everybody raise a glass.

Here's to love, laughter and happily ever after, as Ryan and Louise start their new life.

Please be upstanding,

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bride and Groom, Mr & Mrs. Kyle!