Speech by Jamie Robertsons

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jamie Robertsons
Speech Date: Oct2005
Ok, Good Afternoon, Ladies, Gentlemen, Boys and Girls

Now before I start could a have a little sound check I'd like to make sure everybody can hear me….can you all hear me? …….What about you down at the back? ………More importantly can my Dad hear me?
Nice one then, Dad once this is finished get to the bar, and Mine's is a pint of Fosters!!
I'll keep this brief because to be honest it is cutting into my drinking time.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Jamie, and for those of you that do … well I can only apologise.

Firstly I'd like to start of my speech by saying a big "Thank you" to the bridesmaid ‘Natalie’ because she has done a marvellous job in making Bev look so Gorgeous today!!!! Bev you really do look amazing!
Indeed Natalie Herself, who, I'm sure you'll all agree, also looks fantastic .
And well I suppose I should give myself a pat on the back on what a wonderful Jon job I've done on making Jon look so, eh eh, so well ?!!!?!!!……..Well I managed to get him here on time and that's about the best I could do.

Actually whilst am handing out the compliments I thought that ad better mention both the ushers, Stuart and Garry (Wave please), they've done a fab job and they also looked great today but I am a bit annoyed (p1ssed off) that they've copied my outfit.

It was a real honour when Jon asked me to be his best man although I did have to let a girl down to make it here today!. Not to worry though I can blow her back up when I get home, only joking mother, that's my mum!!!!, Give us a wave mother!!!!

Sorry back to the formalities.
We are all here today to celebrate a love match Pure & Simple, Bev is Pure and Jon is so simple. Sorry Jon, me thinks al be saying sorry quite a few times in the next ten minutes

Rite on with the speech, Now this speech is littered with a mine field of jokes and stories but I do have a reputation for going off on tangents so it could last a while, BUT JUST REMEMBER THE MORE YOU LAUGH THE SOONER ITS OVER!

Now I'm only joking, am actually only going to speak for a few more minutes because of my throat – if I go on too long Bev has threatened to cut it.

Now as before mentioned, it is a great honour to be Best Man, but with the role comes the job of writing this speech, and to be honest I wanted to make the process as straight forward as possible. So where do you begin for ideas?
Well I was recommended a few best man books, but me and books get on like Steven Hawkins does with stairs.
So the next obvious place seemed to be the internet, so with a multitude of resources at my fingertips I dutifully began searching the web.
And after a couple of hours searching I was enthralled and found some REALLY good stuff on the net (Shout out to one of my mates in the audience) Aey Tosh, Remember some of those web sites you showed me of Paris Hilton, she is amazing, cheers for that Tosh, But Anyway ….then me and Tosh remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips!!! (We never really recovered from one nite in Paris), so Internet research came to no real success.

My last hope lay with Jon parents (Jack and Sheila) too see if they could give me any idea's or humiliating stories to enable me to slate holes in Jon's notoriety.

And, oh boy didn't they do well, after an evening spent with the “Daw's” (Nickname for Jon's parents) they had given me enough ammunition to sink the QE2, never mind annihilate Jon's reputation forever!

Rite Jon this is where it begins, Are you sitting comfortably pal???? (And turn to Jon, pat him on the back and smile with the biggest grin possible!!!!) I'll start with the most important element of my speech, Segment 1, THE TRADITIONAL CHARACTER ASSASSINATION OF THE GROOM.

Apparently my main duty is to give you all an introduction to the groom, talking about our crazy Juvenile antics, the scrapes with the law, the all-day drinking sessions, the calming influence of the bride, how she struggled to tame her man, but if truth be told Jon was the perfect child, he wasn't naughty and he had no trouble at school, he even did his homework on time and old ladies liked him. By the sounds of it, he was one of those weird kids who liked writing poetry and pressing flowers.

Jon was born on May 26th 1979. (Now I don't know whether this is a coincidence or not, but 2 weeks after he was born Family Planning was made available free on the NHS!!)
1979 was also the year in which we saw two “great” world leaders of our time, Margaret Thatcher would become the first woman Prime Minister of Britain in this year, and it also saw Saddam Hussein elected as Iraq's president, I'll leave you to make up your minds who was the worse out the two ….Other interesting fact about 1979, Pete Doherty (the ex libertines singer/song writer often in the papers) was also born in this year, in-fact looking at Jon now, Sheila you sure you didn't have twins that were separated at birth!

After much request I'd like to tell a short story titled Jon's first 3 true loves.
Jon first fell in love around the age of ten, when on one ordinary summers evening a group of us where playing over at Garry's house with his train set (We were only ten!!!) Me and Garry were concentrating on sampling the home brewed wine stored in the attic, whilst Jon had clocked his eyes on a 3 ft Teddy bear by the name of Ganga, and immediately fell in love……Jon besotted with his new found love started a perform what can only be described as a molesting act on the innocent bear….me and Garry looked on bemused, but I don't think Ganga was to impressed, even more so as Ganga was in-fact a Male Teddy Bear!!!!
Anyway Jon's love for Ganga pittered out over time and it didn't take Jon long to fall in Luv with his Second Love.…
Jon's fell in love for the second time in his life in his early teens, And this was a love that I'm pretty much sure he still to this day keeps in his closest, wait until you hear his third love, you'll be glad that's not also lurking around in his closet too) Anyway Jon's second love stems for spending hour, days, weeks performing this act, An addiction, dependence, fixation, an unhealthy obsession.… Which eventually turned into a true love…I can see you all waiting with baited breath, begging to ask the question who was this person, well let me tell you ladies and gentlemen, it was so much who, but what? Yes, Jon had fallen in love with his Lawnmower, a 10cc, 2-stroke Honda. Every other night when we went round for Jon, to see if he was coming Golfing, or gonna play footy, etc, all the normal things you do at that age….Jon's reply would always be “a canny am cutting the grass the night”, I exaggerate you not, when I said ‘every other night’, he was a total freak and nothing was coming between him and his grass…..well…… until one day, Jon and his poor old lawnmower were having the usual bonding session, when devastation struck, A protruding rock from the grass snapped the blade!!!!! It was all over in a split second and from that moment, just like the blade, Jon's heart was broken.
Jon eventually moved on and for the third time and a most worrying kind of love stuck in his mid teens, It was a love that many of our friends felt uncomfortable with…..Your mid teens is a confusing age and for Jon is was more confusing than it was for others. Jon was (and still is) a very popular guy with a large group of friends, Stress the word FRIENDS Jon. But for one member of our group, friendship just wasn't enough for Jon. That's right folks, Jon had fallen for one of his male counterparts. A young gentleman by the name of Jonathan Wardman, known to many as Skin! Jon had a huge crush on skin, constantly wanting to sit next to and always trying touching at him at any slight opportunity, The thing was though, it wasn't if Jon was subtle about the whole thing, he made it well known at the time. The pinnacle of Jon's relationship with Skin came out one day.. when we were all hanging around watching Tele or something, when Jon blurted out ‘Skin…I LOVE YOU!!!’ …Thankfully Skin refused to give in to Jon's persistent passes and Bev let me tell you how much it relieves me to see Jon here today marrying someone from the opposite sex…………

Rite moving on, As most of you will probably know Jon is baker, and after studying through a 4 year apprenticeship and spending a short time working in a bakers in Innerleithen and Kelso, Jon has managed to become the proud owner of his own successful baker's business. Jon's business has excelled since he arrived at the helm and this was recognised in his first year of ownership by the Royal Bank of Scotland Young Entrepreneur of the Year where he managed to scoop the merit award.
Jon has always had an eye foe business and his natural entrepreneurial skills started to shine when he bought his First car at the age of 17, And boy what a car!!!!!!!
A 1986 Vauxhall Astra merit Mark II, Bought from a Gentleman locally known as ‘Scum’, during the acquisition of the car, Jon (as you do) started to haggle over the price the car and offered the enormous sum of £50, but unfortunately this wasn't enough to prise the much loved rust bucket off of ‘Scum’, But then Jon immediately upped his bid and along with the £50, threw in a 20 deck of Lambert & Butler, and lucky for Jon scum hadn't received his Giro for a couple of weeks, so as you'd imagine money was a little tight. Anyway They both shook hands and the deal was done!
Now as you can imagine the car needed a little TLC, so a little elbow grease was applied (none of which was Jon's), and 2 months later Jon Graduated from the School of Mike Todd, Stroke, Arthur Daily Auto Sales with a first class degree in how to pose as Dick Turpin The Highway Robber, and sold his car to an innocent victim 4 £1400, so get this, it was worth £50 and a packet of fags 8 weeks ago….and now £1400, that's roughly 30 times more than what Jon paid for it……Shrewd business man or what….anyway as you can now all see this story obviously explains a lot, we now known why Jon Adam Home bakery's rolls are 3p dearer than Jackie Lunns!!!! Are you still using the same percentage mark up as you did for your car JON? But then again you can't blame Jon for becoming a baker, There is meant to be plenty of dough in the business!! Hay that's no a bad joke wait until you here the next two!! Well Have any of you ever seen Jon's Garden, Well its absolutely gorgeous, its so beautiful, every where's completely white, and being a baker its a FLOUR garden. Ken Flour Garden. (Katie you still dae get that one do you?!) No Bev you have done really well choosing to marry a baker, because at-least you'll also no there'll be bread on the table!!!! Rite No more baker jokes a promise. I couldnae let the speech pass without getting them in.

As is traditional in a Best Man's speech, I was gonna embarrass Jon even further mentioning some of Jon's ex-girlfriends, But Fortunately for Jon, due to the Foot and Mouth outbreak in 2001 the Clydesdale had to be put down!!!…………………so instead I'm gonna talk about a great passion of Jon's…….Golf

A big part of mines and Jon Childhood, when not playing football down the park or spent up at our local Golf Club in Innerleithen. But through our adolescent golf seemed to sink lower in our priority list and eventually took a back seat for a few years, strange that as it was about the same time as we both realised what girls were actually for, not just things of the opposite sex that couldn't play football or that you chased about the playground pulling their hair!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway recently we both rekindled our enthusiasm for golf and a large group of us are again members of Innerleithen Golf Club. As many of you may know Jon considers himself as a bit of golfing legend. And very rarely misses to show of his talent in the Saturday morning competition.
However at first I wasn't so keen on playing in competitions, but Jon persuaded me that I should play around with him (but that's just Me and Jon's little secret). No but Jon suggested that we played every week in the Saturday morning competition. So I agreed to give it ago and before the next Saturday Competition, so I phoned Jon up on the Friday night to confirm that I had booked us a tee of time and that I'd meet him up there at 10 the next morning. Jon replied ‘No Problem!’, and that he would to meet me up there, but also adds that he may run 10 minutes late.
So Saturday morning came and Jon was there exactly on time. We both played in the competition and Jon played really well and absolutely cuffed me! Leaving me feel somewhat down hearted.
The next again week I was determined not to let Jon beat me, so every night all through the week I would up the Golf Course practising for Saturdays Comp.
Then next Saturday rolls around, and I phone Jon again on the Friday night to confirm that I've booked a Tee Off time for the morning. Jon says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. Saturday Morning comes and I head up to the Golf Course but this week I'm sure I'm in with a chance, Jon shows up right on time, But to my amazement this time Jon brings a set of left handed clubs and golfs ‘left handed’ .
He plays beautifully and once again absolutely wipes the floor with me.
This continues for the next few weeks, with Jon always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, he never is, and then always winning the round of golf, either left or right handed, it doesn't seem to matter.
By this time you can imagine I'm getting tired of Jon always thumping me, and decide to ask him how he managers to do it.. So one day in the clubhouse after the round, I pluck up the courage to ask Jon and say,
‘Every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up on time and golf either right handed or left handed, and you always win. I want to know what's you secret? How on earth do you do it?”
Jon replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy, And every Saturday when I wake up, The first thing I do is look over at Bev, and if she is sleeping on her left side, I play golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I Play golf right handed.”
I can't believe this and say to Jon it “Wow Jon Its That simple?’
Jon says ‘Yeah, Sure!’
Then I think to myself and say ‘But Ah Hah Jon wait a minute, What happens if you wake up and Bev's laying on her back?????”
Jon replies, ”Then I'll be 10 minutes late.”

Now I'd like to give a brief discussion of the stag night – but fortunately, for all those who were there, the law of stag covers that.
However, I would just like to say that seeing Jon sporting a fairies outfit in the peak of the tourist season along Barcelona's busiest street was something I just could not leave out, please could all turn and face the back of the room, I bet you're all thinking, Isn't Bev is one lucky Girl! (At this point a large picture of Jon in Barcelona wearing his fairies outfit is revealed)
Now Bev, Jon's assures me that just because he wore a Tutu in Barcelona and is adoning a kilt today doesn't mean that you'll be wearing trousers now that your married.

Now the next segment of my speech is to offer the bride and groom some advise on marriage, I'm not sure I'm the not best person to dish out advice on marriage! …….but I'm sure the right girl for me is just round the corner. Unless the police have moved her on since last night, I do however have the following words of wisdom that you may find useful!

Jon, Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss – then do everything BEV says
Secondly, Married Life Can Be Compared To Football … so, Be Fully Committed Every Week, And Make Sure You Score Every Saturday. Make sure you change ends at half time and don't put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself.
However, Bev Assures Me That Playing Away From Home, Could Result In A Serious Groin Injury, And Is Definitely The Quickest Way Onto The Transfer List.
(I thought it best not to mention anything about diving in the box.)
Thirdly, if you and Bev ever have a disagreement, ask yourself this question: “do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?!”.

Now I have a few Cards to read out from those who couldn't attend and those who weren't even invited, (Read a couple of genuine ones then….)
Dear Bev and Jon, This ones from your Auntie Femmie Jon, she sends her love and wishes you all the best for the future, and she's sorry can't make it today because he's 111, No sorry because he's ill!
Dear Beverley, Good luck on your wedding day, and I hope you spend many happy years together. But I will always wonder what might have happened between us had things worked out differently. Love Bran Pitt
Dear Bev, You've forgot your thong, suspenders and boots and, we'll look after them for you
Luv all the boys from the Fantasy Bar. (you kept that Secret Bev)
Dear Jon, You forgot your thong suspenders and boots and, we'll look after them for you
Luv all the boys from the Fantasy Bar. (Am not saying anything!!!)

Oh before I forget and move on to the toasts, I know a few of you were eager to know some more details about honeymoon, there seems to be a bit of confusion over where Jon and Bev are going on their honeymoon. I thought, that perhaps like many, that they were off to New Zealand but After speaking to Jon this morning I think they've changed their minds, and that they are now going to North Wales …….… Or at least I think that's what he meant when he said he was going to Bangor all next week

6. SPEECH CLOSING & TOASTS

Now, Ladies and Gentlemen you'll all be glad to no that my speech has run its course, it has been a fantastic honour and a privilege being best man today, You've all been very kind in listening to me. You can't deny it's been an emotional day, even the cake's in tiers!!!!!!

I have just a few thank you's to add.
Firstly, I'd like to thank Garry and Stuart for helping me today being fabulous ushers.
Secondly, I'd like to thank Natalie again for everything she's superbly done today. Cheers Nats!
Thirdly, I'd like to thank Edinburgh Zoo for giving Jon day release from the monkey enclosure!

On a more serious note, there's not many best men who can describe both the groom and the bride as a true friends, and in that, I think I'm very very lucky. It has been on an honour, albeit a most terrifying one, to have been asked to be the best man here today and I thank you both. There really is no need for me to wish you great success in married life cause I know you've already got what it takes. It would be a huge understatement to say ‘We all hope you will be as happy and enjoy this day as the first day of the rest of your life together.

(So then) Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast ,to the bride and groom, the new Mr and Mrs Adam, To Jon and Bev