Speech by jas

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: jas
Speech Date: 31/08/2013 19:10:41

JAS INTRO

Namaste, satsriakal, wagwaning and goodevening ladies and gentleman..… Guci – think u covered everyone bro ……… My name is Jas and this is gaurav. Traditionally we would be called the best men, however there is only one true best man and that is j and we are the better men for the next 5 minutes.  Now is the time of the customary speech whereby we will give j, the most uncomfortable ten minutes of his life. As you can see J is a glutton for punishment as he didn't think one of us ruining his reputation was sufficient he asked two of us to do it!

GUCI

Before we begin j's character assassination, we would both like to say how wonderful everyone looks and of course only to be eclipsed by P whom am sure everyone will  agree looks stunning, and J well J looks stunned!

Jas

We would also like to say a big thank you to the parents for throwing this lavish reception with no expense spared and to everyone else involved leading up this point – A, B, & C! And of course to P;s parents, for the fantastic registry.

Guci

Back home in Kenya when I was at school we had of a rumour of a new boy who on his first day had decided he did not like his new school and proceeded to  run away. Now picture this ladies and gents our school was in the middle of no where, bushland, trees and vast open spaces surrounding it! iN time this story became urban legend. Fast forward to 15 years ago, I became acquainted with J in London. Knowing he was from Kenya, this story of the run away child resurfaced. Low and behold J confirmed he was the runner. I asked him what his plans had been..… He responded I don't know..… Don't worry p we have secured all exits to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Jas

I first met J when he was 16, it was at vet lab sports club in Kenya, a venue which became a second home. At that point he was a fun loving skinny Asian kid with braces. Well today he is still is that same fun loving guy, with thinner hair and gained a few more pounds. A year into their relationship J openly admitted he started an affair.… An affair with his golf clubs.… And P this is not any affair, his dedication to golf shown after a heavy night out in kenya with no sleep, rocking up to golf course at 7am, standing on the first tee with a redbull and smacking some airshots. I've seen J squeeze into a thicket just to play his shot a feat no one has tried! So P a word of warning, on your honeymoon keep your eyes out for these clubs as it will mean no rest for you/give her a golf club and tell her to join him??

Guci

 tHose of you who know J knows he takes great pride in his appearance and developed a routine! before going out wil make sure every strand on his head is perfect. Followed by milimeter adjustments to his jeans  and shirt, followed by a long hard look in the mirror. After all this and 2 seconds later he will find a shiny object to check himself out beforer asking ‘BRO DO I LOOK OKAY’? Now J in order to save valuable drinking time I have to admit there have been times yes u do look okay when you really didn't!

Jas

Now saying J is a vain person wouldn't be fair! He takes vanity to another level! (There have been several times J has taking grooming to an extreme – P's concealer to cover spots up, missing school because of a spot. On a recent trip to VEGAS … VEGAS BABY……finally waxing his arms and legs – Veet hair extractor whilst on holiday! Hz that hair j?? So p make sure u have plenty of mirrors in your home and perhaps get up a little bit earlier to avoid traffic at the mirror!

 Guci – Homeless guy singing

On a recent trip to Birmingham we had gone out and when we were returning home we saw a busker, J  asked us all to stop and thinking he wanted to give this busker some money we stopped J then took it upon himself to act as an agent for this busker and proceeded to drum up business from all the revellers who were coming home, he stood there for an hour getting everyone to give this guy money. Afterwards we thought we would go home but no, J then asked the busker if he could sing with this guy, thinking he would simply hum along the busker said yes, next thing we know J is singing no woman no cry with a busker in Birmingham city centre, now ladies and gentleman, we have a treat for you tonight, after this speech jess has promised to sing a few bars of the song for us.

Jas

J has had many nicknames of the years two which of stuck are mbwa and jessrop! The latter is a reflection of J's  initiation into a Kenyan Bushman. Camping trips were a regular feature over the weekends. And as you can imagine camping with J is no easy feat as these were alcohol fuelled trips! Our lack of preparation would be evident as having arrived in the morning and spent the day drinking we would suddenly panic and rush into an attempted pitching of tents or simply just bundle up into his Nissan sunny. J'S DAD if you often wondered why the cars were battered you now know! On my very first trip at meal preparation or what is known as a karoga, I realised J is no ordinary indian boy! All the chillies would miraculously disappear. It became apparent J would quietly wait for us to cut them nicely before sneaking off with the lot! So P any meals cooked will have to be chillyless!

Guci – Adding masala to all stories.

JAS – Nipple cripple

Now P, J has a few fetish's that you would like to share with you and everyone else. Hopefully you will never experience this but unfortunately I have had 14 years to put up with this. His love for nipple cripples. As weird as this sounds this has now become the norm for us and the cross arm position is the position of safety! You should also be aware that would account for a few bruises.

Guci – talking to random guys….

Guci starts with in clubs talkin to groups of guys. Recurrent theme in life. Animated, joking laughing ni idea what he is talking about……  Hold up Guci I was fortiunate to be there when J met P….… Cheesy lines. CRINGING ..… My shock when she said yes to going out on a date and today we are here celebrating their marriage

Guci

One thing you may not know about J is his uncanncy ability to bring people together, finding people with lil in common and find something for them to share.. And in fact I have to thank him for bringing me and the love of my life together….  Something he never fails to remind me about…..

Jas

I have seen J transform into a mature character befitting of a husband, settled into running a successful business.  J you are a one in a million friend, and it makes me so happy to see that you have met your one in a million girl in  P!

Guci

Seeing as I am the married one It seems fitting that I  give you both advice to last you, your lifetime!

1.            Firstly, set the ground rules and establish whose boss…and then do everything P says!

2.            Secondly, never be afraid that P will leave you – she's spent time training you, she's not going to throw that away lightly!

3.            Thirdly, never forget to say those 3 little words every day for the rest of your life – “YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!”

4.            Whenever you're wrong, be a man and admit it & Whenever you're right, just “SAY nothing!”

As they say a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married

Jas

On a final note:

Webster's defines union as an agreement and conjunction of mind, spirit, will, and affections. When I think of j's and p's marriage, I think of a creation of harmony between their intelligent minds, their indelible spirits, 2 very stubborn people, and last but certainly not least their endless affections. I look forward to being a part of their lives and having them both as a part of my life for many many years to come.

Before we raise raise our glasses j and p have requested that you refer to them as BOD AND BOD OR BOD squared

Finally a toast to the bride and groom, please will everyone raise their glasses:

May you live as long as you like and love as long as you live…