Speech by Jason Clark

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jason Clark
Speech Date: Jun 1999
The scenario is that there are two best men.

The Groom is ending his speech: "It is now time for the best men's speeches, remember it is their job to entertain you, I chose them because they can occasionally be humorous, if they're not funny – don't laugh. They've been boasting all week how funny their speech is, so don't feel sorry for them (honestly we hadn't – we only wrote it the night before)".

Best Man's/Men's Speech

As you are aware Tony has two best men, so here goes…Ready Vince?

Each Vince and I speak alternate word of the following, cocking it up and giggling halfway through: On behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank Tony for his words and agree that the bridesmaids look beautiful.

See Vince I told you it wouldn't work, sit down and I'll start, I'll pass it over to you when I've completely bored the audience.

Vince sits down and I continue

On behalf of Vince and myself please ignore the last words of the Groom, we will be grateful for even the slightest giggle – no honestly we're desperate, I've already heard the speech and it's dreadful, but her goes anyway.

On behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank Tony for his words and agree that the bridesmaids look beautiful.

I must say it has been a wonderful and very emotional day so far – even the cake was in tiers! – I'm impressed though that you actually paid attention to the Groom's speech and followed his instruction to not laugh. I would like to reassure you know that this is the only corny joke in the speech, in fact it's the only joke, we wanted to get it out of the way early as some of the Bride's relatives have a long journey home and wanted to leave early…you can go now.

I would like to say what a great honour it is to be asked to be Tony's best man ,or one of them anyway. Some of you are probably wondering why Tony has two best men. Tony felt that since he has know both Vince and myself since the age of eleven and we have shared so many experiences together, he feels that we are both like brothers to him, there's not a great resemblance it must be said, but brother in spirit all the same (Vince and I are both Caucasian and both 6 foot 5 inches tall, whilst the Groom is of West Indian parentage and 5 foot 6). The truth is that Tony is deeply insecure and just wanted to look popular his only friends to be with him on the top table.

However there are drawbacks to this, for you it's not as bad as some of you are thinking as we have decided to share the speech but for Tony it means that two of us are going to slag him.

I'm feeling pretty nervous at the moment, but not as nervous as Tony was this morning. He said that he had a few butterflies in his stomach, but he should be feeling better now as I found this in toilet just after he'd left it (reach down under the table and retrieve a housebrick).

Anyway, moving swiftly on, as best men tradition obliges us to share with you some appropriately embarrassing or otherwise insightful glimpses into Tony's personality and formative years.

I would like to start by offering to those of you that are related to the delightful Sarah, and haven't met Tony before, an insight into character of the man that she has married – your new in law.

Tony is undoubtedly a diehard romantic – who else would think to stage such a wonderful proposal, not for Tony a boat in the middle of an idyllic lake at sunset or even a romantic candlelight meal in an expensive French restaurant, instead Tony felt that the only fitting place for his proposal was whilst Sarah was stepping into the bath early one Sunday morning.

Although things have changed recently, when Sarah complained of feeling cold when they were out he offered her his coat, previous to this, every time in the last 7 years he has told her to piss off and that it was her fault for coming out without a coat.

To be honest though Tony does have a genuine romantic side. Sarah asked him to get her some chocolate from the shop, but not knowing her favourite he bought one of every bar in the shop – 65 in all. Of course Tony ate most of them.

Another time, on Valentine's day he sent 12 dozen red roses to her at work with a lovely hand written poem… err… oh no… that was someone else. Sorry!

Tony is a devoted family man – on his first day at work we were sitting around in the School of Nursing introducing ourselves and trying to make a good impression and be liked by the others, just at that moment Tony's mum Judy popped her head around the door, she'd made Tony his sandwiches for the day and he'd left them on the kitchen table – so Judy had brought them into work for him….sorry Judy!

Tony is however a devoted father, the last time we went clubbing Tony disappeared at two o'clock in the morning and when we found him he had cornered the bouncer and was describing his "beautiful baby girl", or his "little chop-chop" as he calls her. Bless him.

Tony is a responsible person in a responsible job, a nurse – apart from the night at work when he accidentally left the door to the ward open allowing a rather confused elderly man to wander off, causing the police to be called to assist in the search … although Tony did have the presence of mind not to laugh when the police were asking for the colour of the patients eyes as part of the description to identify him. If you can imagine a 70 year old man wearing nothing but a pyjama jacket and a big blue nappy and just in case there were several of them walking around could they have the colour of his eyes!

Tony is sophisticated – when ordering the catering for a previous bash Tony came across crudités, thin strips of vegetables to be eaten with dips. "What are crudites?" (pronounced Kruddites) asks Tony.

Tony is loyal – all I can say is that he is still a Man City fan. A team that has done nothing but disappoint him and betray his hopes and dreams for the past 30 years. If that is anything to go by Sarah doesn't have to make any effort for the next 30 years, she can give him 30 years of misery, break all her wedding vows and generally walk all over him and he'll still feel that things are going to turn around come August.

I have mentioned that Tony is a nurse, but at heart he is a wheeler dealer – at the age of thirteen he was entering into the Delboy spirit by hiring out magazines of a certain nature -with an adult content, to the boys in the school, but he was also ruthless and wouldn't even give a discount to his friends – the bastard.

But now I am sure that Tony will be relieved to hear that I have no more embarrassing stories about him, (turning to the Groom) however before you get too comfortable this isn't because I'm suddenly going to be nice about you, instead I'm going to pass it over to Vince to continue. Which means that I can finally sit down and relax.

(I sit and Vince stands)

Cheers Jason. Now to continue with the abuse.

You wouldn't know it to look at him no but Tony is a Lady killer – when we were about 16 we were chatting up a couple of girls outside the local Kebab shop after the pubs shut, and we were doing okay, when Tony wandered off around the corner, he returned with a large bunch of nettles poking out of his mouth an d proceeded to eat them, knowing this was bound to impress them. For some reason they lost interest and wandered off. They must have been lesbians!

Tony is naturally Athletic – It was because of Tony's sporting prowess that we got to know each other, each summer at school we were forced to run the 1500 metres in games lessons, this meant the three of us got to spend a lot of time together as we struggled at the back of the field, trying to run the mile in under 10 minutes and desperately attempting to out-sprint the asthmatics and profoundly handicapped in the home straight…sometimes we even managed it!

Tony then went on to specialise in sprinting events. After coming home from ice skating in the sixth form he attempted to out-race the bus over 100 metres. He started well and over-took the bus, to get in full view of the remaining passengers, he then tripped over, slid along on his face splitting his lips and breaking his front teeth. He was very brave about this in front of everyone, standing and giving everybody a big smile and wave before running the last 20 metres to home. When he got home, he saw the damage and cried to his mama.

However I feel that marriage will make Tony a better person, it will teach him consideration of others, self-restraint, control, sharing and it will develop in him a sense of fair play and many other qualities he wouldn't need or want if he had stayed single.

Stag Night

No best man speech would be complete without tales of the stag weekend but there's only so much that can be said in front of his Missus.

On the Saturday we played paint-ball. Dressed in full combat gear he looked like an Iraqi terrorist, an impression that was reinforced when he got shot in the first five minutes and put his hands up in the air in surrender. In the next game he proceeded to keep Tom pinned down for 10 minutes before finally nailing him with a few well placed shots, this is despite the fact that they were on the same team.

We then went to a pub to watch the football where Tony received a surprise visitor. There should have been some photos here for you to view but Boots wouldn't process them.

All in all as best men we feel we did a good job of getting Tony through the weekend without any permanent damage. Naturally we all behaved impeccably and spent the weekend acting like the responsible 30 somethings that we are. However, if you buy us a drink later we may tell you the truth.

Sarah (Turning to the Bride) Sarah, you have sat and laughed at Tony and it would only be right to allow Tony a little laugh at you.

When we first met Sarah our impression was of a beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly, thoughtful person. But she ruined this by agreeing to marry Tony.

Sarah grasp of history is like no other. Whilst visiting Leeds Castle Sarah said "Imagine what it was like when they fought dragons here". After Tony had picked himself up of the floor and some argument Tony persuaded her that dragons had never existed, to which she seriously replied "Next you'll be telling me that Robin Hood never existed either".

I don't know where they are going on their honeymoon. Tony has kept this quiet even from us in case we show up. No doubt Sarah will be hoping for somewhere exotic where she can go scuba diving, perhaps to the Thames Barrier Reef, as she once described the London landmark.

But enough about Sarah, we don't want to upset her any further as we suspect she has gangland connections. She once tried to arrange a ‘drive-by MacDonalds’ which I assume is a messy affair involving Big Macs and fries being fired from passing cars at rival fast-food chains.

But this getting a bit surreal now so perhaps we should end…

Just before we do I have a small gift for you to help with those inevitable arguments, (pulls out a T-Shirt printed with "Tony and Sarah – `Til Death Do Us Part"), it is unisex and one size fits all, the aggrieved party can quietly put in on and it should help break the ice…but no arguing about who should wear it.

So finally, on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank you all for sharing their day and now it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Sarah and Tony – because I think that they were made for each other, although after all we've said Sarah may disagree.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever. To the Bride and Groom's Future Happiness.