Speech by Jason Fields

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jason Fields
Speech Date: 16/09/2013 13:48:05

JASON TO START   Good evening ladies and gentlemen. WELL THIS IS IT, THE FINAL SPEECH IS HERE!!! Don't worry, you're not seeing double. We are today privileged to be the joint Best men at this joyous occasion, to celebrate the marriage between Natalie and our dear and close friend Ollie.   For those that don't know us, I'm Jason – GILES and I'm Giles.   JASON   Now before we start I've been told I need to run you through some health and safety to ensure all of you survive not only the duration of our speech, but indeed the rest of this evening. So Firstly, we are effectively in a giant tent so in the event of a fire or strong winds, please stay seated and you will soon be outside.   Secondly, don't go anywhere near the cake, not only has it been an emotional day but I've just been told it was also involved in a minor car crash on the way over so it's over there in tiers. Finally, please, please don't get up on the table and chairs during our standing ovation… As that would be VERY DANGEROUS! Now before I bring you all bang up to date with of Ollie's latest compulsive habits, Giles is going to take you through the early years. ? GILES I would like to start off with saying how lovely Natalie is looking on this very special day, and as for you Ollie well you haven't done to badly yourself either. You may like to know why I am standing here looking out of my comfort zone,   Well, I met Ollie at school when we were 4 years old. We were the only two boys at an all girls school called PNEU. What I was doing there still remains a mystery, but Ollie clearly preferred the female variety from an early age.   Ollie has always been car mad taking after his dad! I remember once Ollie decided to take a remote control car apart and managed to electrocute himself. So then we resorted to our pedal tractors but we were not satisfied with the toy trailer, so we hitched up my dads full size trailer and pushed and pedalled this for hours in my garden.   So then we soon moved up to a whole new level with the ride on lawn mower demolishing the swings and climbing frame.   Our next challenge was the dumper truck and finally the J.C.B scaring ourselves silly sometimes. Not sure if Sousanne was too keen on this!   But then we really got going and broke into an abandoned car and hot wired it and drove it around my dad's field. We then went on to steal the hire car off Soussan in France and drove around the mountains whilst she was having a siesta. Sorry, Soussan.   At the age of 16, Ollie bought a Golf MK1 GTI and prepped it for a respra. He never did get round to it as he soon after he took delivery of his brand new mini, which was polished and polished until one arm became bigger than the other. Still not being old enough to drive, this did not stop Ollie in terrorising the neighbourhood by roaring around his road. Obviously all this was great preparation for Ollie to pass his driving test which he did 1st time within 10 days of his 17th birthday. It's a fact that I'm sure he is still very proud of. So that was it – Giles and Ollie were on the road LEGALLY. I thought, right, he owes me a few lifts, but no, Ollie insisted on driving in convoy so we could race each other at every opportunity.   Unfortunately, this had its downside on being stopped on several occasions by the police. We were very adept at talking our way out of trouble, even to the point that Ollie managed to blag his way into a ride in a traffic police car.   Nowadays Ollie doesn't even drive his car, he just looks at it in his garage and polishes it – no one will ever understand him! Not even me!   Ollie has always been my best friend and Ollie's late father John said that we will stay best friends for the rest of our lives – something that is still holding true today. I know John is smiling down on you today, proud of everything you have achieved, and happy for your marriage to the beautiful Natalie.   Ollie has always been hard working, whether it was stacking shelves in Waitrose or recruiting fellow employees. In fact Ollie is SO good at his job that he recruited Natalie and ended up with more than he bargained for as he not only got her a job but himself a wife!   I am sure everyone here will wish you many years of happiness together not just you and your cars!       Now I will hand you back to Jason!   JASON Thanks Giles. I met Ollie online about 10 years ago at the tender age of 16. Don't worry Natalie, this was before the time of internet dating and it turned out that I wasn't his type anyway…  I know the real reason though. Too fat, to hairy, too Jewish!! We had a shared interest in cars and were proud members of a website for MINI enthusiasts. I often spotted Ollie racing around the local roads and we acknowledged each other with a cool nod as we raced off in opposite directions.   Our “real-life” friendship got started after we bumped into each other at our local shopping centre. Unfortunately, I was easily spotted as I was casually walking around with my MINI keys jingling from my belt – a moment that Ollie often reminds me about.   Ollie is a natural born salesman. Back then, he was an estate agent in Harrow and I often skived off to go and meet him when he had “viewings” to do.   Ollie was so skinny back then and quite self-conscious about it too. I recall one year when on holiday in Marbella, he slept every night fully clothed in fear that someone may get a glimpse of his naked body. Over the past couple of years, with the help of the gym, beef jerkies and the odd protein shake or two, he's managed to bulk up a bit which now means he likes to wear a low cut top. I've spotted he's catching up with me in the breast department too.   He used to compare himself to a bottle of CocaCola – cool and long but more recently it's become Mario Falcone from the Only Way is Essex.   Ollie has OCD when it comes to being clean and tidy. I quite enjoying watching the sheer panic on Ollie's face when we arrive at his house with the kids. For some reason we always end up in the back garden! Sometimes he's outside on arrival ushering us through the side gate so we don't even have to enter the house, how thoughtful. Even this morning after doing the last part of our photo shoot in the garden, he wouldn't allow us back in the house and insisted on hoovering before we left. He's always doing the gardening and has been banging on about getting a petrol lawnmower for months. If anyone here has bought him one as a wedding gift, they will surely be invited as best man to his next wedding. For Ollie's car obsession, he has a dent man, car sprayer, an alloy specialist, and numerous sales car salesman on speed-dial, but he likes to think of them as his mates as he's most happy when he's talking to them. In fact he's even invited some here this evening!   Ollie and Natalie recently bought their first home together and thank god that's still under warranty, as if it's not perfect to Ollie standards, it's being ripped out and started again! The recent list has included and I'm not joking, the driveway, the front door, the garage door, the entire kitchen and the lounge ceiling.   At this point I have to publicly thank Ollie for introducing me to my beautiful wife Olivia and also for being the best man at our wedding last year.   And now Ollie and Natalie your wedding day is here!   I would like to echo what has already been said and complement our beautiful bride. Natalie you look stunning today. I would normally now make a joke at how well Ollie has scrubbed up like, ooh you finally found a flannel and a razor, but he truly always makes an effort to “look good” so I think we should just give him a huge round of applause. *LONG APPLAUSE*   On the subject of looking good, I'd like to take this opportunity again as i know ollie and Natalie already have done this on behalf of the entire wedding party and everyone here today to thank our gorgeous bridesmaids, Alexia, Ria, Anna and Tara, the sweetest flower girl, Elouise and a very special little page boy who all also happens to be my son, Zac     I've taken it upon myself to write down 3 top tips that I think well help Natalie to have a successful and happy marriage to Ollie. And here they are. No. 1 – TRY YOUR BEST NOT TO KERB YOUR ALLOYS – AGAIN No. 2 – NO IRONING YOUR CLOTHES ON THE CARPET – AGAIN No. 3 – TRY NOT TO FLOOD THE BATHROOM WHEN USING THE SHOWER – AGAIN –   Promise you Nat, it will change your life. So finally, it now give me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast to the 2 most special people here today. Your best men Jason and Giles, no no no, the beautiful married couple, Mr and Mrs, Natalie and Olllie Reynolds.   We wish them well for the future. To love, life and laughter and happily ever after. Ladies and Gentlemen, Natalie and Ollie  *NATALIE AND OLLIE*   If I could ask you all now to please focus your attention on the screen towards the back of the room.   GILES   Thank you all again and we hope you enjoy the rest of the day.