Speech by Jason Howorth

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jason Howorth
Speech Date: mar 2004
Thank you – Good afternoon everyone!

First of all, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank **** for his kind and generous words, and for the gifts that they've received…I'm sure you'll all agree that they look fantastic and they've done a splendid job today.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Jason…and apart from being ******’s slightly older, and substantially wiser brother, I have the DUBIOUS…sorry….GREAT honour of being ****’s Best Man today!

I am a man of few words.… so…keeping this brief….thank-you!

(*SIT DOWN)

Seriously though, I was worried about how long the speech should be, but I've been told that it should only last as long as the groom takes to perform his marital duties on his wedding night, so…(*LOOK AT WATCH)…I think I've over-run already!

(*SIT DOWN)

OK. No, I promise I do have a bit more to say! However, it IS my duty to inform you of a couple of disclaimers before I proceed any further.

Disclaimer number one… My speech does NOT contain any original material…so if anyone is offended, it's got NOTHING to do with me!

Disclaimer number two… ****and ****** have stated that should you injure yourselves in any way when climbing on the chairs and tables during my OVATION, they hold themselves in no way responsible for your actions! And nor do I for that matter!

Now as I mentioned, it is a great honour to be Best Man, but with the role comes the job of writing this speech, and to be honest I wanted to make the process as easy as possible. So where do you begin for ideas? The obvious place seemed to be the internet, so with a multitude of resources at my fingertips I dutifully began searching the web…After a couple of hours searching I found some REALLY good stuff on the net, but ….then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips…

I did actually find LOADS of ready-prepared speeches on the internet.… but sadly, NONE of them were about a couple called **** and ****** who lived in ********….so it looks like it's down to me after all.

I have read that if you were to compile a ‘wish-list’ for an ideal Best Man, the qualities you'd look for would probably include:-

Reliability
People Skills
A good sense of humour
Strong public-speaking skills
Unflappability, and
Acceptability to the Bride and her family.

On reflection, I think that I fail on all counts so, sorry ****, I think I'd better do the honourable thing and tender my resignation here and now…I had thought I could at least satisfy the last element, of acceptability to the Bride and her family, but ****** and my Dad have unfortunately just informed me otherwise!

On second thoughts, in true Conservative Party leader tradition, I think I'm going to carry on until I get 25 letters of no-confidence in my ability. See, I can be topical as well! Sorry, the ushers will collect your envelopes in a minute!

Anyway, as part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to SING THE GROOM'S PRAISES and tell you all about his MANY good points. Well, I'm very sorry but I CAN'T SING, and I WON'T LIE, however I can start to try and fulfil my main role which is to slander ****’s good name with exaggerated or even completely untrue information about him which will lower him substantially in your estimation, and, having tried to get his retaliation in first, he's got no right of reply!

I've known **** for just over 9 of his 32 years but I do have a bit of information about him from much before then.

**** was born in Bradford on the 8th April 1971, the day before Good Friday that year if anyone is interested. I did TRY to link this with some big world event but it seems that nothing else happened that day… except that the staff at the Bradford Royal Infirmary EVEN NOW refer to it as “Monkey Birth Thursday”.

****’s schooling progressed nicely, moving through ******First School, then Middle School, and on to **********Comprehensive where he tells me he was an ideal pupil who excelled in most subjects. On checking this I actually found he was an IDLE pupil who was EXPELLED in most subjects!

Somehow, he collected a stack of ‘O’ Levels and convinced ******* Bank to take him on at ******** branch in Bradford. Seven years later, our paths met at ******** branch, where I had been working for a while, and, having a number of things in common we soon became great friends. I have to gloss over this time a bit because **** has too much evidence against ME whereby any drunken escapades he happened to be on, I was unfortunately usually two steps ahead, or two pints maybe! Suffice to say, standing in the Branch Managers room at 5pm in the afternoon asking your mate ****** if he wants to dance, having raided the manager's alcohol cupboard after he'd gone home, was not something **** did! I moved on to ******* ******** in Leeds in 1997, but try as I might, I couldn't shake **** off, and he transferred over a year or so later to work on a different team.

I do have to say I am very honoured to have been asked by **** to be his Best Man. Some of my other friends have got married, and it was just something I never thought I would get to be but I'm privileged to stand here now, and privileged to have such a great and true friend. Everyone who knows ****, knows that all his qualities make him one of the nicest guys you could ever meet, and whilst he should count himself very lucky to be marrying my gorgeous sister, I know ****** is very lucky that her future is with an absolutely top bloke.

Myself and ******, my wife, do have to claim some small amount of the responsibility… sorry credit… for us all being here today. Whilst ****** put on her best Scouse accent and became Cilla Black, to my “Our Graham”, we suggested to ****** an option of “Blind Date Number One”, “Blind Date Number One”, or, erm “Blind Date Number One”, as we thought they'd make a great couple. Thankfully ****** chose the right option.… “Number One” for those of you who are wondering, and **** and ****** arranged to meet. I do have to admit that after that it was up to the two of them, but as they say, the rest is history!

I've just realised I'm being too nice again so I'll revert back to ‘Jokes at ****’s expense’ mode!

Now, in ****’s year of birth, 1971, there were 2 particularly relevant events which have affected his life.

One is that the first Video Cassette Recorder was launched by Philips. Anyone who knows ****, knows that his fondness for electrical goods can be rivalled by no-one, and if you saw his collection of Hi-Fi, Video, DVD, Computer, and Camera equipment you'd believe he was actually running his own branch of Comet!

Secondly, Decimal Currency was launched in the UK in 1971. Now, I was only in my pram at the time so I can't remember it, but now, when you start talking about pounds and pence, and notes, and coins, ****’s likely to go all dewey-eyed.

Yes, he is the ideal son-in-law for my Dad who subscribes to the same philosophy,
He's the very essence of a Yorkshireman,
His middle name is not ******… it's Value for Money,
To coin a Yorkshire phrase ”he'd cut a currant in two”
He's as TIGHT as a..…
Sorry… he's er, aherm, how can I say…CAREFUL with his money!

To put you in the picture, **** and ****** bought their house last year and it needed a fair bit of work and redecoration to turn it into the beautiful home it is today. But ****, being the man that he is, likes to put something back into the community, and although he was busy working on the house, he contacted a local nursing home to say he'd like to assist by taking some of the elderly residents out on trips.

Thinking he meant nice days out in Blackpool, Scarborough, or maybe even just up into the Yorkshire Dales for the old people, the nursing home were very pleased to agree, and every week he'd take one or two of the old dears out in his car. Unfortunately, it all came to a very acrimonious end when the residents complained that he only ever took them out on a Wednesday… to B & Q.… and made them stand at the till with him whilst he collected a 10% Pensioner discount on all the DIY goods he was buying!

The problem was that the work on the house hadn't quite finished….I have to advise you that it's taken **** 38 separate weekly trips back to B & Q to collect enough samples of Border to do round the entire living room!

By the way, for anyone who visits **** and ****** at home, DO check underneath and behind the sofas…You will find ****’s done some handy economising on the carpet-laying front… well, there's no point paying good money for expensive carpet where people can't see it is there?!!

I was actually reminiscing with my Dad earlier today. I can still remember just after ****** was born my Dad took me to Mothercare to buy a teddy bear for her for when she came home. She still has it, a little orange and white one. Here we are, 29 years on, and it seems like only yesterday that I was peering through the window at the hospital to catch a glimpse of my new baby sister… In those days my Mum and Dad were sending ****** to bed at night with a dummy, and if you think about it they'll be doing the same thing again later today!

At this point, and with the risk of completely alienating half my audience, I have discovered some fine words of wisdom and guidance for the happy couple which I would like to share with you. ******, men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to STAMP on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have your dinner with!

On the other hand ****, women are ALSO like a fine wine, They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind, and then turn full-bodied with age, until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache!

I promise I've nearly finished now, and would like to thank you for listening to me. It's been a pleasure to have this opportunity to give you an insight into the man that has become my brother-in law today. If you have enjoyed listening to this speech half as much as I enjoyed delivering it then I will have enjoyed myself twice as much as you and for that I guess I'd better apologise!

So finally, on a more serious note, I'd like to offer my sincere congratulations to **** and ******. I'd like to thank **** for being such a great friend to me and for giving me the chance to support him on the most important day of his life, and ****** for literally being the best and most caring sister anybody could wish for. ****** you look absolutely stunning today, and I know that speaking on behalf of Grandma, Mum, Dad, ******, **** and myself, we are so proud of you and your achievements, and pleased that your dreams have come true today.

****** and **** are very lucky to have each other, and we are all lucky to count them as our friends and family. They are two very special people who together make a very special couple, and I wish you a successful, and happy future together.

On behalf of ****** and ****, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, and particularly those who have travelled long distances to be here.

It gives me great pleasure to invite you all to charge your glasses, and be upstanding as we toast the new couple, Mr and Mrs ****** – The Bride and Groom – ‘The Bride and Groom’.