Speech by Jason Jones

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jason Jones
Speech Date: 29/08/2014 09:45:19

To those of you who don't know me. I'm Darren's older, but not bigger, brother Jason and I would like to thank Darren for finally confirming that I am actually the BEST man out of the two of us.

Firstly, on behalf of everyone here I would like to say congratulations to Darren and Lauren. Anyone here like me who has been lucky enough to spend time in their company knows what a great couple they are together, perfectly complementing each other.

Thank you also to Debbie & Lee and Danny & Sandra for such a wonderful day so far. The service was amazing, the weather has been great, the food was really tasty and the setting is really beautiful. 

It's great to see that everyone is enjoying the food today. However, it's a good job Darren didn't choose the menu on his own; otherwise you would have been very disappointed to have come all this way for plain chicken and brown rice.

Secondly I'd like to thank Darren on behalf of our bridesmaids, for his kind words. Can I also say what a great job they have done today and how wonderful they all look.

They really do look smashing and are only rightly outshone by our bride, Lauren, who looks truly radiant.

Darren, you don't look too bad yourself, although, I am a little disappointed that you didn't go for the top hat, although for obvious reasons. (point to ears)

Now I am supposed to use this opportunity to recall embarrassing moments to ridicule Darren. But I've been put under strict instructions by Lauren not to mention the times as an adult Darren has wet the bed or used other people's sinks as toilets.

Of course… Lauren..… I won't say a thing. My lips are sealed. However, I would like to pass on this small gift to you just in case you need them.

The stag night was quite the event; of course again I have been sworn to secrecy by the guilty parties.

But I can let you know some of the highlights; try to look at Darren's face for any signs of guilt or embarrassment. Please feel free to ask him to elaborate on any of these later:

Darren having to lie on the floor every time we shouted “Assume the position” Making Darren wear a blue wonder woman shirt while fighting Zombies People getting into a fountain and stripping off Darren asking a random guy for their autograph Darren getting a selfie with, what we think was the chief police constable of Birmingham And Darren taking off his shirt in a pub and asking two woman to judge who had the best body, with Darren becoming very annoyed when his wasn't voted as having the best body.

Despite all of that we got him back home in one piece and we are all still friends, even if it did takes us a good hour to realise that Craig had been taken by zombies. He is still here now right?

I first met Darren almost 25 years ago when I can only assume that my Mum and Dad were that disappointed with their first attempt that they decided to try again!

It would be impossible to summarise Darren's life, but I would have to say that over those years, he has been the best anyone could hope for in a brother. Admittedly he's my only brother, so it is not the greatest survey ever done. But in my limited experience of brothers, I'd have to say he's pretty much as good as they come.

As children Darren and I got on well, if not all the time but most of the time. We shared a room for most of our lives and it wasn't till I went to University that we finally got a taste of freedom and what it was like to have your own room. I think it was at this point that he started dating Lauren so I'm sure he defiantly enjoyed the freedom. I was most unimpressed though when I came back from university to see that Darren had persuaded mum to buy him a new bed and leave me with a collapsible bed that went under his.

Some people might say it's a miracle Darren has got this far in life, what with all the head injuries he has sustained. Lots were self inflicted by head banging when he couldn't get his own way, but some could be blamed on others. Like the time when dad probably wasn't watching closely enough and Darren went head first in to a cabinet resulting in a head injury and a trip to A&E. Or when he tried to copy his much cooler, older brother and slipped of a bench bashing his head on a nail. Finally there was the time, while a little drunk, he decided to fall down the stairs and then use his head to break his fall against a radiator. The worse part being while everyone else had to wait in an A&E waiting room, Darren slept in a nice, comfortable bed. With all that in mind I've got a second gift for you now Lauren that you may want to keep on hand, just in case.

Those that know Darren well enough will know that he only has 3 loves in his life (aside from himself of course): Manchester United, going to the gym and Lauren. After today I think it's safe to say that Lauren has probably moved up to.… 2nd in that list. Depending on how well Manchester United does this season of course

I would like to end on some marriage advice I found on the internet for you Darren:

* Somebody once said marriage is a 50/50 partnership – but anybody who believes that knows nothing about women or fractions.

* A happy marriage is a relationship, where one person will always be right, and the other is the husband.

* Here's something that every couple should remember. The moral to having a successful relationship, is that one good turn… will get the entire duvet.

Joking aside, it's a wonderful honour being best man today as Darren is the greatest brother you could ask for. He is funny, intelligent and it's clear to everyone he really cares for Lauren.

All that remains for me to do is to ask you to charge your glasses, stand and join me in wishing Mr & Mrs Jones a long, prosperous and happy life together.  Ladies and gentlemen please raise your glasses – to the Bride & Groom.